I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer
by sinecure
Summary: W, S, X, and B are stuck in a house, forced to mock movies for our enjoyment. Sequel to the wildly popular, (in my own mind at least) I Know What They Parodied Last Summer.
1. I Still Know (part 1)

**Title:** _I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer_ an MST of _I Still Know What You Did Last Summer  
_**Author:** sinecure  
**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.  
**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_I Still know What You Did Last Summer_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.  
**A/N:** I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

Willow frowned at Buffy and Xander. She would've frowned at Spike too, if he'd been asking her the same question over and over again like her friends were. But, being Spike, and not one of the group, he stayed off to the side, apart from them. Since their unwanted incarceration, he'd said no more than ten words to the group as a whole, and none to them as individuals. She was fine with that. The less she talked to him, the less stress she had to deal with.

She couldn't help it, he was a vampire, and he really didn't like her. Any of them, actually, but it seemed he liked her less than the others, which made her nervous and weird around him.

Turning her attention back to Buffy and Xander, she sighed for what seemed like the fiftieth time in ten minutes. "I tried, guys, I tried for hours last night. Nothing happened." They'd been trapped inside this... place, for twenty four hours now, and tempers were strained nearly to the breaking point. Hopefully, nothing would give.

Buffy sighed, impatient with the situation. "I hate being cooped up."

Spike snorted, pushing away from his spot on the wall. "Try being chained up inside a bathtub."

They ignored him, though Willow wanted to apologize for her part in keeping him confined. She didn't, she stayed silent. Spike didn't like sympathy. Or pity.

Or her.

She kept her pity to herself, and shrugged. Looking up at the ceiling, she raised her voice. "I could use some spell books. Or- or spell ingredients. Anything magick-y."

The four of them waited, hoping to see the dark green light that brought their food and scripts, but nothing happened.

"I think it's time to read the script," Xander told them, sitting in his chair in front of the table. He stared at the script, not touching it. "Maybe it'll let us out this time." He shrugged, at a loss. "Can't hurt, can it?"

"Yes," Spike answered, stomping out his cigarette. Nevertheless, he crossed the room and sat in his seat, rubbing his neck in irritation. "Let's just do this. Time seems to go by much faster when we're making fun of people. Always worked for me."

Willow and Buffy shared a look and sat. Like last time, Willow ended up between Xander and Spike. Buffy ended up on Spike's right. "Let's go then."

* * *

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

ALL: (groan)

SPIKE: The first one wasn't bad enough, now we have to read the sequel? Someone has a sense of humor.

XANDER: And it's probably not the writers of this movie.

-FADE IN:

INT. BOSTON - OLD NORTH CHURCH - DAY

The setting sun backlights a series of abstract colored images. Holy images of STAINED GLASS and lead.

BUFFY: Stained glass and lead are holy images? I had no idea...

-FOOTSTEPS ECHO across the marble floor. REVEAL - JULIE JAMES

ALL: Noooooooooo!

XANDER: Attack of the Perky Pest!

-A little older,

BUFFY: Naturally.

-a little wiser,

WILLOW: That remains to be seen.

-yet still very pretty, no doubt.

XANDER: ... and beauty is, of course, an integral part of being in a church.

-But she's all alone in the house of the Lord.

ALL: Awww.

SPIKE: Even God has abandoned her.

-And those doleful eyes of hers clearly telegraph a very heavy burden still rests upon her soul.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Woe is me, I killed people and stuff.

-She reluctantly walks past the rows of empty pews toward a curtained CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.

XANDER: (as game show host) Let's see what's behind door number oooooooooooone! Aww, it was the killer, and now Julie's a pile of sushi, tough break kid. The end!

-INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - DAY

Julie slides the drapes shut behind her as she enters, kneeling before the CLOSED SCREEN. A beat - and the SCREEN SLIDES OPEN.

SPIKE: Is she there to make a confession or give someone a blow-

WILLOW: Confession!

SPIKE: (chuckles)

-A PRIEST enters the adjacent booth - barely visible through the WICKER MESH.

XANDER: (whines) Why is the transcriber yelling at us so much?

-Julie looks down,

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oops, I piddled on the floor.

WILLOW: (laughs) Piddled? She's a puppy?

BUFFY: (shrugs) She's a dog, yes, she's quite the bitch.

-crosses herself, and begins.

BUFFY: (as Julie, sings) Gypsies, tramps and thieves...

XANDER: Nice choice.

BUFFY: That song has been stuck in my head for two days. I now officially dislike Cher... more than I did before, thanks to Kathy.

WILLOW: Did I mention how sorry I am about that?

XANDER: Me too?

BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Numerous times, guys. It's okay.

-Julie

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. (a beat) It's been a year since my last confession...

SPIKE: (as Priest) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

WILLOW: (to Spike) Issues?

SPIKE: Not a one.

-Julie swallows hard. This is difficult for her.

XANDER: ...due to the enormous Twinkie in her mouth.

-Julie - (cont'd)

I've never told anyone this. Not my mom, not the poice,

WILLOW: You know, the poice wouldn't have been any help anyway.

BUFFY: Because of how they're typos?

WILLOW: (nods)

-not even my friends - except for the ones who were there and they...well they're not around anymore. You see I...I...

SPIKE: (as Julie)...killed them and boiled their flesh, sucked out their eyeballs, and dined on their entrails... it was fun!

OTHERS: Ew.

-Priest -

Yes?

Julie -

I killed a man. Well, I thought I had...then...

XANDER: (as Julie) ...it turns out he wasn't dead, only angry that we'd almost killed him. He then went on a rampage, killing people because of it. It was terrible for me. I had guilt and everything.

-She balks at the memory of it. The priest bows his head in the shadows of the other side.

WILLOW: ...shamed and embarrassed to be in this movie.

-Julie - (cont'd) (emotional)

You've got to understand...It was all an accident. A terrible accident. It's been a whole year. I've tried to get past this, but I just can't.

Priest -

Go on...

BUFFY: (as Priest) ...and kill yourself, we won't mind. In fact, you'd be doing us a favor.

-Julie -

I have these dreams...horrible dreams. And this man is always there with me.

SPIKE: (as Priest) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

XANDER: Sure there's no issues?

SPIKE: Positive.

-Priest - (reassuring)

I know...

XANDER: (as Priest) ...that you're annoyingly perky, but don't let it bother you that others hate you. Be you! Be annoying if that's who you are!

WILLOW: (as Julie) Thank you, Father! I'm going to leave and be annoying _right_ now! Yay.

-Julie -

You see, he was a killer. He murdered Helen and Barry, and he would have killed me too, if I hadn't...

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...thrown Helen and Barry in front of him so I could get away.

-gotten away with it. (regathering) I don't know, I guess I just need to deal with the fear, the guilt...to finally say his name. Ben Willis. His name was Ben Willis...

The confession is cathartic for Julie. She looks relieved until,

Priest -

I know...

Julie stops.

BUFFY: ...doing what? Was she doing something?

WILLOW: No.

SPIKE: Unh-uh.

XANDER: Don't think so.

-Looks through the screen. A chill shoots through her body.

SPIKE: ...sending blood spraying everywhere as it tears a basketball-sized hole in her chest, killing her. The end.

WILLOW: Sounds painful.

SPIKE: Hope so.

-Julie -

You know? But how could you...

Clouds of icy steam shoot through the partition.

ALL: O_O

-Julie moves closer to the screen, trying to get a better look.

XANDER: At the icy steam?

-Priest - (growls)

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!

XANDER: (moans) He's yelling again. I'm scared.

-A STEEL HOOK smashes through the screen right in Julie's face! She SCREAMS!

XANDER: (whines) Make it stop.

-SMASH CUT TO:

INT. COLLEDGE LECTURE HALL - DAY

SPIKE: Check it out, Witch... a nifty new way to spell 'college'.

WILLOW: (sarcastically) Why thank you, Spike, for pointing that out to me. God forbid I not notice it.

SPIKE: (chuckles) Anytime.

-Still screaming - Julie jumps back, seemingly knocked out of her chair. She fights the unseen demon.

Sitting beside her, Julie's friend WILL BENSON reacts. He's a good-looking kid in a shy, humble kind of way. And he tries to help her, but she's too busy

WILLOW: ...being self-involved.

-turning ten shades of red.

BUFFY: Maroon... mahogany... rose... amber... fuchsia... um...

WILLOW: Blush, plumb, raspberry, cherry, strawberry...

SPIKE: Hungry?

WILLOW: Um, a little. (raises her voice slightly) A strawberry Poptart would be nice. (a box of Poptarts appear in a flash of green light. Xander takes two, Willow and Buffy take one each)

-The PROFESSOR lowers his glasses, makes it even worse.

XANDER: Bad, bad Professor! What were you thinking, lowering your glasses like that? How evil can you be?

BUFFY: (as Professor, in deep voice) For I am The Professor, evil as can be. I lower my glasses to all who oppose me. Tremble at my power, puny mortals, tremble!

-Professor -

Nice to see you find Political Science so stimulating -

The lecture hall erupts with laughter.

BUFFY: I had a professor like that.

WILLOW: You did?

BUFFY: (nods)

-Julie -

I'm sorry -

Julie grabs her stuff and bolts.

XANDER: ...her chair to the floor in order to not fall out of it again.

-CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS - DAY

Julie explodes

ALL: YAY!

-out of the building.

ALL: Oh.

-Hurries down a sidewalk. Will finally catches up.

Will

Julie! Wait! You okay?

Julie -

I'm fine.

Will

You sure?

Julie -

I'm fine.

Will

You don't seem fine.

BUFFY: (as Will) ...in fact, you seem kind of... well, I didn't want to say it, but, you're a little on the cuckoo side.

-Julie realizes this is true.

BUFFY: (laughs)

-Julie -

I had another dream, Will.

WILLOW: (as Will) Well, Julie, like I told you before, everyone has them. You're not special in that regard... or any other really.

XANDER: (as Julie) I had a dream. A dream to become a mime, but after all my friends were slaughtered, they kicked me out, waaah.

-Will takes this seriously.

XANDER: ...but his sarcastic snicker tells a different story.

-Will

The shower again?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Yeah, this time the pigs were showering and I was rolling around in the mud. What do you think it means?

XANDER: (as Will) I think it means you're grody.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, okay.

-Julie -

It was in a church...it was so real. I mean, I could feel his breath on me.

SPIKE: Wishful thinking.

-Will

(caring) I'm sorry.

XANDER: (as Will) ...that you're such a loser that you have to dream up guys who'll breathe heavily on you.

-Julie -

I thought I was over the dreams for good. I really did. I hadn't had one for months.

Will -

It just takes time, Julie. It's gonna get better.

Julie -

It can't get worse.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...than being in this movie.

-I mean, it's not like this was the first time I freaked out in class. I hardly ever get a full night's sleep, my grades suck, I'm this close from being thrown out of school.

BUFFY: Welcome to the Whiny Hour, with your host, Julie James.

SPIKE: A subject with which you're very familiar with, Slayer.

BUFFY: (laughs facetiously) Oh, your sarcasm and wit cut me deeply. Idiot.

-BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! EXPLOSIONS. Julie jumps out of her skin.

ALL: Ew.

WILLOW: Put your skin back on, young lady. Are you trying to catch your death of cold?

-It's just STUDENTS letting off FIRECRACKERS as they fly past on bicycles.

Will and Julie are now thinking the same thing.

SPIKE: (as Will) Julie's breasts are so huge.

WILLOW: (as Julie) My breasts are so huge.

-Julie - (cont'd)

It was one year ago...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...that I got my implants.

-Will -

It's...the anniversary. That's what's going on...

SPIKE: (as Will) ...believe me, your implants are _not_ trying to kill you.

-Take it easy on yourself.

Julie - (weary)

I'm trying. I really am...Sometimes I don't even know why I came up here in the first place.

XANDER: (as Will) To get drunk, do drugs, and party hearty.

BUFFY: (as Julie) oh, right, I forgot.

-Will - (cheering her up)

To get out of Southport?

Julie - (softens)

Right. Now I remember.

He smiles at her. She smiles back.

BUFFY: They do the hokey pokey and turn themselves about, that's what it's all about... yeah!

OTHERS: O_O

BUFFY: Just me?

XANDER: Yeah.

WILLOW: Oh, yeah.

SPIKE: Definitely.

-They stop in front of her apartment building.

Julie - (cont'd)

Are you getting out of town on the fourth?

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...'cause all the students have discussed it and we don't want you around.

-Will -

Nah. I'll probably just be here studying for finals.

XANDER: (as Will, whimpers like a dog) Pity me.

-The joys of summer school... (beat) Are you okay?

BUFFY: (grins, and claps) Random sentences! Look, Willow! Look!

WILLOW: (laughs) I see. I see.

BUFFY: Ahem. Swimming is fun... (beat) Why is your car blue?

WILLOW: The TV is on... (beat) What's your t-shirt say?

XANDER: Um... oh. I like killing vampires... (beat) Are my library books overdue?

XANDER: A moron is sitting beside Willow... (beat) How come I don't have a mug of blood right now? (green light flashed, leaving the usual plain, white mug filled with steaming blood behind)

ALL: ...

WILLOW: That whole random sentencing sucked.

BUFFY: It really did.

XANDER: Yep.

SPIKE: (drinks his blood)

-Julie -

I'm okay.

SPIKE: So? Are we supposed to care or something?

WILLOW: Will asked her.

SPIKE: Oh. (pause) Still not caring.

-Will -

Are you sure?

SPIKE: Pretty positive.

-She touches his face affectionately.

Julie -

Thanks for the talk, Will. You're good to me.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...just like a puppy should be. Sit, boy.

-Will stands there akwardly -

WILLOW: (as Julie, angrily) I said, 'Sit!'.

BUFFY: (as Will) Um... arf?

-Will -

Um...Okay. Bye.

WILLOW: (as Julie, fuming) Get back here, Will. I said, sit! Sit, Will. Sit. (pouts) Will didn't sit. Bad puppy!

XANDER: Wow, Will. Um, was that you, or Julie, getting mad there?

WILLOW: (grins) Julie. I'm thinking of taking Drama this year.

XANDER/BUFFY: (applaud)

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-Will walks away. Julie watches him a beat, then turns down her walk -

RAY

SPIKE: ...takes out a gun, spraying everyone with bullets. Blood and guts, even body parts fly every which way, leaving the college campus dripping red with the blood of the not-so innocent.

OTHERS: O_O

SPIKE: (finishes draining his mug) This could be fun.

OTHERS: O_O

SPIKE: (chuckles to himself)

-steps out of the shadows. Julie practically faints.

XANDER: (as Julie, in a southern drawl) Catch me, Ray, I've suddenly acquired a case of the vapors.

SPIKE/WILLOW: (snicker)

BUFFY: Hey, what's so snicker-worthy? Share.

WILLOW: You don't know what the vapors are?

XANDER: Feeling faint... right?

SPIKE: No, that was just the excuse they used.

WILLOW: It meant the woman had gas.

BUFFY/XANDER: ...oh. (beat) Ewwww!

-Julie -

Oh, my god, Ray. You scared me.

XANDER: (laughs) (as Julie) Scared me so much, you gave me gas.

-Recovering, she hugs Ray, genuinely glad to see him. He's a bit cold.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Brr, Ray, where's your coat?

-Ray -

I got in early. I was excited...

SPIKE: (laughs) So, what, he just started undressing himself right there?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, my room has a bed, let's make whoopee!

-(re: the receding Will) Who was that guy?

SPIKE: (as Ray) Think _he'd_ sleep with me?

-Julie -

Oh, that's Will. He's a friend. You'd like him.

SPIKE: (as Ray) I already do, let's ask him to join us.

-Ray -

Yeah.

Julie -

Ray, we're just friend.

WILLOW: Oh, no. No. It's a one-time thing, right? Everybody makes at least one mistake, sometimes two... doesn't mean they're going to misspell every other word, and suddenly start losing commas, and periods, and apostrophes. Right?

SPIKE: (laughs) Mental re-writes not working again?

WILLOW: (miserably) It caught me off-guard. I wasn't ready for it.

-Ray -

Every guy in history who tried to pick up a girl did the good-friend thing first.

XANDER: That never really works.

-Julie -

Why are you being like this?

BUFFY: (as Ray) Like what? Oh, you mean why am I being stupid? (chiding) Honey! You know I'm always like that!

-It should be obvious Ray feels insecure in the college environs, but they're miscommunicating.

Ray -

Hey, I'm sorry. You're right. Are you ready to go? I've got the old truck. You know the drill...Crab boil at Ollie's. Croaker Queen Pageant...It's only small-town fun, but it's still nice.

XANDER: (as Ray) You know, if you're into that whole fish-smell thing. And crabs. Let's not even go there. But, come on, let's have fun!

-People really miss you. I miss you.

She looks at Ray, his compassionate demeanor. This is hard to say -

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...Ray... you're really, really ugly. Maybe you should consider plastic surgery.

-Julie - (softly, but resolved)

Ray, I can't...

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...have sex with you ever again. You stink of fish and I'm now into girls anyway, so bye!

-Ray -

Can't what?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Have sex. Hello! Were you not listening to my stirring speech?

OTHERS: No.

-Julie -

I just feel like some part of me hasn't healed up enough to go back.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...like this huge, gaping hole in my side.

-Like some critical piece is missing.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ... it could be my kidney, someone removed that one night when I got really drunk, but...

-Please understand...

Ray is cold.

WILLOW: (as Ray) I am cold.

XANDER: (as Ray) Brr.

-This is what he's expected all along.

SPIKE: (as Ray) Slut! Whore! Harlot! Repent! Repent!

-Ray -

I understand something.

BUFFY: (as Julie, claps her hands) Oh, my, God, Ray! You understood something? I'm so proud of you.

-Julie -

It's not like that. It's not you. It's me. My head. I want to go back. I want to be with you. I want to be fine. I want everything to be like it used to be. (beat) It just isn't.

BUFFY: Welcome back to the Whiny Hour, with your host Julie James, today we're discussing the whiny-ness that is Julie.

SPIKE: Again, you're-

BUFFY: Again, you should shut up.

-Ray is hurt and confused.

XANDER: (as Ray) Ow, my foot. Where am I?

-Julie - (cont'd)

Hey, why don't you stay up here?

XANDER: (as Ray) Up here on the steps? I'm confused.

-They have fireworks over the river. And...there's a million things to do.

XANDER: (as Ray) ...on the steps?

-Ray -

I have to work, Julie. My boat's in Southport, remember? But, I get it. You need your space from Craokerland.

WILLOW: (whimpers)

BUFFY: Breathe, Will, breathe.

WILLOW: I'm trying...

-And maybe from me, too.

Ray starts walking away.

Ray - (cont'd)

You know where to find me.

SPIKE: (as Ray) I'll be at the whorehouse as usual.

-Julie -

Ray? Ray? At least come up for a while.

Ray keeps on walking.

Ray -

It's okay. I'm just gonna go.

XANDER: (as Ray) ...eat a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich, maybe toss a piece of cheese on there... and a few slices of ham or something. And a slice of tomato. I wonder if I have any lettuce left...

WILLOW: Mmm, that sounds good.

BUFFY: Yeah, it does.

SPIKE: (shudders) And you all think my food is disgusting?

-Julie follows him out to the road. A group of LAUGHING STUDENTS block her way.

XANDER: (as Julie) Excuse me, LAUGHING STUDENTS, get out of my way.

-Julie -

Ray, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...to laugh at you for wearing women's underwear.

-(to herself) I'm just scared...that's all.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...scared that you look better in them than I do.

-But Ray is already gone. Julie stares after him a beat, then turns quickly to her door. She clearly feels uncomfortable, exposed on the walk alone.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Ack! People can see me.

-She nervously pulls her keys. A can of mace dangles from the keychain.

CUT TO:

EXT. JULIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Students throw FRISBEE in the street.

SPIKE: (as student) Here, Frisbee, here, boy!

XANDER: (makes car crash noises) Frisbee, no!

-Ray walks to his old truck, which is wedged between a new Sport Utility and a BMW.

He clambers into the front seat.

BUFFY: Oh, what, he couldn't just climb in like the rest of us? He's so special?

-He thinks.

SPIKE: (snorts) Since when?

-Then, digs into his pocket and pulls out the unmistakable shape of an ENGAGEMENT RING BOX.

XANDER: (moans) Make it stop. I can't take the yelling much longer.

WILLOW: (as Ray) I love you, Engagement Ring Box, you're my only friend now.

-He throws it in the glove box,

WILLOW: (as Ray) But ours is a forbidden love, so you must live in the glove box from now on. (sniffs) You'll like it there, little Ring Box... it's your old friend Glove Box. (sniffs) Don't cry little Ring Box, I still love you, we just can't be together anymore, and-

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: (clears her throat) And I'm done.

-starts the truck and drives away.

CUT TO:

INT. JULIE'S APARTMENT DOORWAY - DAY

Julie opens the door and steps inside. She locks three deadbolts. She stands there, alone, listening to the SILENCE.

BUFFY: Julie, I-

WILLOW: (as Julie) Shh! I'm listening to the silence.

-She doesn't even have a cat. A faucet DRIPS in the kitchen.

ALL: O_O (then) ...okay.

WILLOW: Random sentences again. Shall we?

BUFFY: (practically bounces in her seat) Yes!

WILLOW: She doesn't even like juice. Her car is dirty.

SPIKE: She doesn't even eat salad. Snow falls outside.

XANDER: She doesn't even want children. A bird chirps.

BUFFY: She doesn't even read. Her blanket is folded. (beat) Yay!

SPIKE: (to Buffy) You really are an idiot, you know that?

WILLOW: (to Spike) Hey! Leave her alone... she has her own fun.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-INT. JULIE'S KITCHEN - DAY

The faucet DRIPS. Julie turns the handle. No success. She checks the lock on each window.

XANDER: (as Julie) Unh! Why isn't this lock on the window shutting off the water? Stupid thing.

-She stands for a moment.

WILLOW: ...then does a striptease for the pigeons on the window ledge.

-She picks up a bag of chips and eats a handful. She opens the fridge and takes out a can of nacho cheese sauce. She grabs a soft drink and a jar of bread-and-butter pickles. She gets some cookies from a shelf. She thinks. Opens the freezer, pulls out some fat-free sorbet.

ALL: O_O

XANDER: (in awe) She may actually eat more than I do... I wanna marry her!

BUFFY: Wait... I don't remember her doing that.

SPIKE: You actually paid money to see this movie? That's sad.

BUFFY: Shut-

SPIKE: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah.

-She takes the whole mess toward her bedroom.

SPIKE: ...for some kinky fun. Just her, the bed, and lots of food.

OTHERS: (halfheartedly) Ew.

-INT. JULIE'S BEDROOM - DAY

She hits the light switch.

BUFFY: I did that once. Broke the dang thing.

XANDER: You're like Bullwinkle.

BUFFY: (faking excitement) Yeah! I'm just like Bullwinkle! (glares at Xander) You calling me a moose?

XANDER: Uh... no?

WILLOW: (intervening) He's saying you don't know your own strength.

XANDER: (points at Willow) Exactly.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-A bedside light goes on. It's a sparsely furnished room. The bed is pilled high with pillows.

BUFFY: (laughs) I want my bed pilled high with pillows too!

WILLOW: (whimpers) It's happening with more and more frequency... I'm getting scared.

-She checks the windows, then climbs into bed with the food.

SPIKE: ...to start a night of kinky fun. She gets naked, then starts with the cheese sauce, pouring it over-

XANDER: Dude! We're not going there, we're not- we're just... not. Okay?

SPIKE: (shrugs) Have I called you a prude lately?

XANDER: (shakes his head) Nope, not within the last hour or two.

SPIKE: Ah, sorry about that. Prude.

XANDER: Thank you.

SPIKE: No problem.

-On the bedside table are pictures of family and friends.

BUFFY: I only remember seeing one big picture of Helen. That's all. Nothing else. Helen, apparently, was the only important friend.

OTHERS: (scoff loudly)

-She looks at one of Helen and Barry. She looks around the room. It's depressing.

WILLOW: ...the filthy green walls have mud and food stuck to them, the floor is in marginally better shape, with piles of junk rather than the entire surface being covered.

-Outside we hear young people having fun, slamming car doors, going places. She picks at the food, then puts it on the table. She turns off the bedside light and enjoys the golden late afternoon glow in the room.

ALL: Awww.

-DISSOVE TO:

WILLOW: (twitches) No...

XANDER: (pats her leg comfortingly) It's okay, Will, just fix it. Come on, you can do it.

BUFFY: (to Xander) She's not a dog, Xander. Breathe, Will.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes, nudges Willow) Hey, snap out of it!

WILLOW: I'm good. I'm... okay.

SPIKE: (sighs) Good to hear it. Can we get on with this?

-INT. JULIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julie, sound asleep, is curled into fetal position on the bed.

WILLOW: (sighs) Fix it... fix it. All better.

SPIKE: (snickers)

-There's a CLICK in the front hall. And ANOTHER.

Julie's eyes shoot open.

SPIKE: ...severing her eyelids, and killing her instantly. The end.

-She listens. Another SOUND, almost like the front door being CLOSED.

WILLOW: (gasps) No! Not being... CLOSED! Say it isn't so.

-Her arm reaches for the bedside light.

XANDER: ...while the rest of her runs off into the night.

-She hits the switch. The bulb POPS.

BUFFY: See? I'm not the only one.

-Julie - (whispers)

Okay. Okay. Face your fears...

BUFFY: She didn't say that.

OTHERS: (getting annoyed)

-She gets off the bed and stands still.

Julie - (cont'd) (whisper)

There's nothing...

There's another NOISE down the hall.

Julie - (cont'd) (whisper)

Quiet.

BUFFY: She didn't say anything during this part in the movie.

OTHERS: Shut up!

BUFFY: (offended) Fine. Geez... you don't have to bite my head off.

-Julie silently scoots out of her bedroom toward the kitchen.

SPIKE: Doin' the boot-scootin' boogie.

XANDER: (bursts out laughing) Oh, my, God. Country and Spike so do not go together. I think I'm scared now.

BUFFY: (laughing) Never figured you for a country-loving vampire. Should we get you a pick-em-up truck?

WILLOW: (laughing too hard to speak)

SPIKE: (snarls at them) Ha ha, funny. I heard the damn thing in a bar, okay? Get over it.

-INT. JULIE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

She gets a large KNIFE.

XANDER: She then gets a piece of BREAD, and a TUB OF BUTTER. Taking the large KNIFE, she scoops out some BUTTER from the TUB OF BUTTER, and spreads it on the piece of BREAD with her large KNIFE.

WILLOW: Nice.

BUFFY: Well done.

-She listens. It sounds like somone's in the living room. She steps through the kitchen door.

WILLOW: (gasps, pointedly ignoring the typo) It's magick! She can walk through solid objects.

SPIKE: Or... she opened it.

OTHERS: (chuckle)

-As she moves we see a shadow pass the other way down the hallway toward her bedroom.

INT. JULIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

There's NO ONE there.

SPIKE: (shocked) Oh, my GOD! No one's there. Call the police!

-Julie - (cont'd)

Okay, calm down, imagination.

She relaxes until she sees that her front door is slightly AJAR, light from the hallway slanting through.

Julie - (cont'd)

I can't take this anymore. I can't.

Holding the knife in front of her,

BUFFY: ...she stabs herself in the heart a thousand times, falls to the floor, and slowly bleeds to death.

OTHERS: ...

BUFFY: (shrugs) Hey, she started it by letting Helen get killed. And, also, she has Ray. I want a Ray too.

WILLOW: You have a Ray. His name is Riley.

BUFFY: Yeah, but he's no Freddie Prinze Jr.

-she tiptoes to the hallway. There's a soft RUSTLING coning

WILLOW: (softly, to herself) Ignore it, and it'll go away.

SPIKE: (laughs) Works for children everywhere.

-from her bedroom. She gets a flashlight out of a drawer and starts down the hallway.

Julie - (cont'd)(fatalistic)

Let's just do it.

XANDER: (as Julie) ...let's just fix this light bulb and get it over with.

-She moves faster toward her bedroom. she listens outside the doorway. It sounds like someone's in the closet. She moves into the room.

INT. JULIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

There's a noise in the darkened closet. Julie moves into position.

She turns the flashlight ON and lunges for the closet.

WILLOW: Die, closet, die!

-INT THE CLOSET

KARLA WILSON, 19, all grace and attitude, is on tiptoes reaching for a box of shoes. She SCREAMS.

WILLOW: (as Karla) AHHHHH!

-Julie SCREAMS.

BUFFY: (as Julie) AHHHHH!

-They both SCREAM together.

BUFFY/WILLOW: AHHHHH!

XANDER: (covers his ears) Not so high-pitched next time.

SPIKE: Christ! Remember the overly-sensitive hearing here?

WILLOW: Oops. Sorry.

BUFFY: ...not so sorry.

-Julie drops the knife and flashlight.

Karla -

I thought you were out of town!

Julie -

What are you doing in my closet?

They hug, jumping up and down with relief.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yay, I almost killed you! That was fun!

-Karla -

I thought you were out of town!

Julie -

What are you doing in my closet?

BUFFY: They're stuck...

-Karla -

I just wanted your black pants, but I'm not ready to die for them!

WILLOW: (as Julie) Well, too bad... no one touches my clothes and lives! Die, Karla, die!

-Julie turns on the light in the hallway. Karla has her shoes in her hand and black pants draped over her arm.

Julie -

That was heart attack time, Karla.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Then why aren't you dead? Die, Julie, die!

BUFFY: Geez, you two.

-Karla -

No. When I put these skinny pants on my body...Now, that's heart attack time.

XANDER: Must be some seriously tight pants.

-Karla looks down and sees the knife. She picks it up with two

fingers -

SPIKE: ...then plunges it into Julie's chest, thereby ending this script.

Karla - (cont'd)

And we're going to put away the utensils and you're coming with me.

SPIKE: Damn.

-Julie flops down on her bed.

Julie -

I'm not going anywhere. I'm fat, ugly, and depressed.

ALL: O_O

SPIKE: How is she fat again?

WILLOW: In the way that she weighs half a pound more than Kate Moss.

SPIKE: Ah. And how is she ugly?

WILLOW: I don't know... must be those overly large breasts that are always about ready to bust out of her low-cut tops.

SPIKE: Ah.

XANDER: That's hideous... she should be euthanized.

-Karla -

Yeah, right - whatever.

Julie -

I think I just really hurt Ray's feelings.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Yes, that's what's important, not that you almost just killed me.

-Karla - (keeping it upbeat)

Listen to me, Julie. Ray's a great guy, nothing against old Ray, but he's so...

SPIKE: Boring?

WILLOW: Stupid?

XANDER: Easily confused?

BUFFY: Simple-minded?

-Ray.

ALL: Ohhhhh.

-I mean, he lives in Southport. Will's a nice guy, too, and he lives right down the street.

Karla picks up the flashlight and goes into the closet.

Julie -

There's nothing between Will and me.

Karla - (V.O.)

Yet. Nothing yet.

She emerges with clothes for Julie. Holds up one outfit.

Karla - (cont'd)

What we gotta do is keep moving. No time to mope. I'm working at the club tonight. And you, dancing queen, are coming with me.

XANDER: (singing) Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeeen, oh, yeaaaah.

SPIKE: (snorts) And you have the nerve to make fun of me?

BUFFY: (looking at Xander oddly) Yeah. What were we thinking?

WILLOW: Xander, that was just... (shudders)

-Julie -

No I'm not.

Karla holds up another dress for Julie - strapless, sexy, the one.

XANDER: (to the dress) You are The One, Strapless Sexy Dress, the one who'll lead us in our fight against the Matrix. Here, have a cookie, watch some bald-headed kids bend spoons and stuff.

-Karla -

Fine, then be fat, ugly, and depressed.

Karla is dancing around. Julie laughs at her friend and takes the dress when Karla hands it to her.

BUFFY: (as Julie, laughing) You remind me of my old roommate, Deb, she used to ridicule me too. I miss that... make fun of me some more please.

-CUT TO:

INT. THE CLUB - NIGHT

It's a hopping college joint: crowded, loud MUSIC, a dance floor, and rivers of cheap booze.

SPIKE: Damn, why can't I ever find a place like that? I love cheap booze.

-AT THE BAR

Julie sits next to Karla as she waits for her drink order.

A handsome young man slides in front of them. This is TYRELL MARTIN, 23, handsome, no pretention, a little dangerous, with a killer smile.

Tyrell -

You know what I want to do to you ...right now, don't you?

XANDER: (as Tyrell) I want you to... make me a sandwich. Cucumber please.

-There's gotta be somewhere we can be alone.

Karla - (playful)

I don't think so. It's pretty crowded.

Tyrell -

Just for a minute, baby. I got something I wanna tell you.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) You've got something in your teeth, baby... and it's really turning me on.

OTHERS: Ewwww.

-He's looking for a dark corner or a storeroom or something.

Karla - (teasing)

If you can say all you gotta say in a minute then I don't wanna hear it.

Tyrell -

I'll talk real slow.

WILLOW: Like a sleepy two-year old.

-He's kissing her ear. She starts to giggle.

XANDER: ...but then stops, realizing she's encouraging him. (As Karla) Bad, Ty, bad. Stop it.

-The bartender sets down drinks on Karla's tray.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Excuse me? Do I look like a waitress to you?

WILLOW: (as bartender) Yes.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, yeah. (laughs) I'm silly.

-Karla - (re: Julie)

Ask her to dance.

Tyrell hesitates.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Heck no, she's fat, ugly, and depressed.

-Karla - (cont'd)

Go on.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) I said, no. She's fat, ugly, and depressed.

-Karla cuts away through the crowd, delivering drinks. Tyrell turns to Julie.

Tyrell -

You're the most beautiful woman in the bar tonight, Jules.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Aside from that fat, ugly, and depressed thing you got goin' on.

WILLOW: (as Julie, exceedingly perky) Thanks, Tyrell!

-Julie -

Tyrell, you are an unstoppable force of nature.

XANDER: (as Julie) You're just a big, ole... tornado. No, no, a hurricane... no. No, definitely an avalanche... wait, um, a thunderstorm? No, how about a dust storm? Tidal wave?

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ... thanks, Jules, you are just...

XANDER: (as Julie) Cool? Neat? Awesome? Sweet?

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Uh... yes. All of those. You definitely are all of that and more.

BUFFY: You two are extremely weird.

WILLOW/XANDER: Thanks!

-Tyrell -

That's right. It's how the species survives. You'll never convince me otherwise. (beat) Wanna dance?

SPIKE: (as Julie) With you? Hell no. I'm a perfect goddess. You... well, you aren't fit to lick the bottom of my perfect, perky boots. Now go away.

-Karla passes by -

Karla -

Say yes.

Julie -

No.

Karla -

No means yes.

WILLOW: (angrily) No does not mean yes. Ever. If she said no, she meant no. (To Buffy) How can a woman say something like that?

BUFFY: Don't know, Will.

WILLOW: Obviously this was written by a man.

BUFFY: Yep.

XANDER: (nervously) please don't hit us.

-Julie -

Tyrell, I appreciate it, but have you seen my people dance? We make the mouth face, we move the fingers -

SPIKE: Her people? Who are her people? The Perky Pests of Persia?

-Tyrell - (heading for the floor)

Worse comes to worse, you can stand there and watch me.

WILLOW: Like we do when Xander dances.

BUFFY: (sniggers)

XANDER: Hey!

-Karla -

Come on, I'll take a break and we'll all dance.

SPIKE: Once out there, Julie and Karla are all over each other, leaving Tyrell to stand there alone, wondering how he could've missed it. They weren't just friends, they were... _best_ friends!

XANDER: (laughs)

-INT. THE CLUB - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

is packed and thumping. Karla is dancing her way through the crowd. Tyrell and Julie follow behind her.

Karla sees Will. He's dressed up and nervous. She smiles.

BUFFY: ...enjoying his nervousness. She loves making people suffer.

-Karla - (cont'd)

Whaddayou know?

XANDER: (as Will) Not a whole lot. Why? Is there gonna be a test?

-Will Benson lookin' fine.

BUFFY: He looks small and almost insignificant?

WILLOW: I think it means he looks small, and powdery.

XANDER: I think it means he's not rainy or cloudy.

SPIKE: Maybe he looks okay?

-Julie - (suspicious, but having fun)

Karla! Did you tell him I'd be here?

Karla -

Nope. I told him that you absolutely, positively would not be here at this bar between ten o'clock and eleven o'clock tonight. And then he came anyway.

SPIKE: Ew, right there on the floor? Yuck.

WILLOW: (shakes her head) You're bound and determined to drag us down into the filth, aren't you?

SPIKE: (grins) The thought never crossed my mind.

-Will - (shy to a fault)

This was not my idea.

Julie -

What?

Will -

I said, this...Do you want a drink?

BUFFY: That's not what he said.

-Will looks down at his feet. He and Julie stand there not quite knowing what to do.

WILLOW: (as Will) I have nice shoes.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yep. Nice. Nice shoes.

WILLOW: (as Will) They, um... they have brown laces.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yes, brown, I see that. Brown... ahem... laces.

WILLOW: (as Will) So, I'll see you around.

XANDER: (as Julie) Yep. Bye.

-Tyrell -

Where I come from, you want to snatch the goodies, you got to at least talk to them first.

SPIKE: I like this guy.

BUFFY: You would.

-Tyrell and Karla go for it on the dance floor, leaving Will and Julie alone. They look at each other. They look at everyone dancing.

WILLOW: (as Will) Oh, you're still here?

XANDER: (as Julie) Uh-huh. You?

WILLOW: (as Will) Yeah...

-Will -

How about a drink?

Will is a few steps ahead as they move for the bar. Julie seems to be relaxing, having a good time. Then, she looks up into the balcony and sees, in a strobe light's FLASH -

BUFFY: ... a giant man-eating plant, heading straight for the bar. Realizing what might happen if the plant gets drunk, Julie makes a split second decision. She flops on the floor in front of it, tripping the plant, and sending it flying through the air to land in a heap behind the bar. With the booze. (As Julie) Oh, no, what have I done?

WILLOW: Um, that was a neat story, Buffy. Did you just make that up just now?

BUFFY: (proudly) Uh-huh!

XANDER: Wow. That was... cool.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Please. It sucked beyond belief.

-SOMEONE IN A SLICKER

watching her intently. She squints for a better look, but he's gone.

Will - (yelling over the din)

You okay?

She's chalk white and crestfallen. Her whole affect is "Will I ever have a normal time?"

WILLOW: Nope.

BUFFY: Unh-huh.

XANDER: I don't think so.

SPIKE: Probably not.

-She drifts amay toward the stairs to the balcony.

WILLOW: Okay! Time for a break.

XANDER: Now? But there's no reason-

WILLOW: Now.

BUFFY: But, it was just getting interesting.

WILLOW: Now.

SPIKE: (laughs) She's in Misspell Hell again.

XANDER/BUFFY: (look closer at the script) Ohhhhh.


	2. I Still Know (part 2)

**Title:** _I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer_ an MST of _I Still Know What You Did Last Summer  
_**Author:** sinecure  
**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.  
**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_I Still know What You Did Last Summer_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.  
**A/N:** I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

Buffy and Willow went from their chairs to the big white couch in the middle of the room, dropping to it like they'd just run a mile. Xander and Spike stood more slowly, stretching and yawning. Actually, that was mostly Xander, Spike only cracked his neck with a loud sound that echoed throughout the room.

"Wish I could do that," Buffy sighed, sitting forward. "Guys, shouldn't we be trying to figure out where we are, or something?"

Spike scoffed at her. "Go ahead, Slayer. Grace us with your wisdom. Tell us where we are. Other than that, I don't see the answer just appearing out of thin air." Spike nearly choked on the cigarette he was lighting when a flash of red light lit the room, growing incredibly bright, forcing them all to shield their eyes from it.

After a tense few seconds, the light faded, and they slowly uncovered their eyes. Willow looked around, almost afraid to find out what the light left behind this time. And that it was a different colored light, certainly had her worried.

Xander was the first to say what everyone was thinking. "Nothing's different. What happened?"

Buffy shrugged, looking around the entire room with caution. Moments later, she headed for the door. "One way to find out."

Xander and Willow shared a look then took off after Buffy as she went through the door. They almost ran into her as she came to a sudden stop in the hall. Willow turned to see what she was looking at and nearly clapped her hands in excitement. Almost, because it wouldn't do to show her occasional immaturity to the rude vampire behind her. The vampire who, currently, had his hand on her back, trying to see past her. "A door," she told him, hoping he'd move away, but he didn't. In fact, she was pretty sure he moved closer. So she shoved Xander out of her way, and stepped into the hall, keeping her back to the empty part where nobody was.

Spike stayed in the doorway, sighing heavily when no one moved. He looked at Buffy, motioning her toward it. "Gonna open it, Slayer, or stare at it all day?"

"Stare at it," she tossed back in a lofty voice. "I thought I'd just spend the rest of the... day, I guess, or is it night? Anyway, yes, Spike, I am going to simply stare at it. It's fun to annoy you."

Spike growled and shoved Xander and Buffy out of his way, twisting the doorknob with an angry motion. Not a split second later, his furious snarl echoed throughout the narrow hallway. "It's a kitchen! A bloody kitchen. What the hell is keeping us here, and why does it insist on torturing me?"

"You?" Xander scoffed. "Hello, we're here too. And we're just as much stuck as you are, so get over the, 'oh, pity me' crap."

"Guys, why is there suddenly a kitchen?" Willow asked them, hoping to stop the argument about to start. "I think we're going to be here a lot longer than we originally thought."

Buffy followed Spike as he disappeared into the kitchen. Xander went next, and then Willow. They all stood in the huge room, staring at the many cabinets, and the huge refrigerator. Xander went over to it and opened the door, staring inside with awe.

"Whoa, there's more food in here than I've ever seen in a place that wasn't a grocery store." He started grabbing things, tossing them on the butcher block island in front of the fridge. "Anyone for a peanut butter and mayo sandwich?"

"No thanks," Willow answered, "but I'll take a soda if there is one." She joined Xander, and gazed into the enormous cavern, grabbing a coke from the door. "We should probably get back to the movie."

Xander agreed, quickly making his sandwich. Buffy and Spike were already gone, arguing their way out the door, and into the main room.

Willow followed more slowly, wondering what exactly this newest room meant. And how long they were going to be there. Xander came in a few minutes later, chomping on his sandwich. "All right," he said, "let's finish this thing."

* * *

Will - (cont'd)

Hey Julie?

Will catches Karla and Tyrell's eyes.

WILLOW: Why were they throwing them?

-They're worried.

XANDER: The eyes, or the people who own them?

-INT. THE CLUB - STAIRCASE - NIGHT

Julie catches another glimps of THE SLICKER.

XANDER: (in a deep voice) Catch this years blockbuster film, "The Slicker"!

BUFFY: (snorts) I've never caught a 'glimps' of anything. I never have any fun.

WILLOW: (sighs) How can I ignore the mistakes, and fix them in my mind if you three insist on bringing them to my attention?

BUFFY: Sorry.

-She pushes her way through the crowd up the stairs.

INT. THE CLUB - BALCONY - NIGHT

Julie looks all around - finally spotting the MAN IN THE SLICKER from behind, making his way to the other side.

BUFFY: ...running from her in fear.

XANDER: (as man in slicker) Ack! The Perky Pest from Persia is trying to kill me. Help! Help!

-He slices through a crowd of students, and Julie keeps following. He turns down a service corridor.

Julie follows, frightened, but unable to resist.

SPIKE: (as Julie, to herself) It's okay, service people are just like regular people, there's nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all.

-She catches him at the end of the corridor. She reaches out and grabs the stranger's arm.

Julie -

Ben...

The stranger turns around. It's only a club kid in a tacky vinyl raincoat and hat. She's shaken.

WILLOW: (as Julie) I'm shaken.

-Slicker Guy -

Hye, baby.

WILLOW: Okay, that's it. I refuse to read any more until all the typos are fixed. (crosses her arms over her chest) I mean it.

SPIKE: (laughs) Yeah, right.

-You following me up here? (a come-on) Well, all right.

Julie turns away and hurries down the hallway. Todd follows, but his figure quickly fades.

BUFFY: Who's Todd?

XANDER: (shrugs) Slicker Guy cum Tacky Vinyl Raincoat and Hat Guy?

BUFFY: Oh.

-CUT TO:

INT. JULIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

With morning sun filtering through her blinds, Julie wakes up to the strange sound of THUMPING. She gets out of bed and slowly exits the room.

SPIKE: ...only to happen upon Karla and Ray going at it like animals in the hallway, Ray's head hitting the wall being the thumping sound she hears. Depressed, she takes six handfuls of pills and dies. Aww, the end.

-INT. JULIE'S HALLWAY TO KITCHEN - DAY

The noise gets louder as she heads down the hall.

SPIKE: ...due to the acoustics in the apartment... and the couple following her to have sex in front of her.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Nya nya. I got your Ray.

XANDER: (as Ray) Nya nya. I got your... (to Karla) What's your name again?

-ANGLE ON A CLOSET

BUFFY: Circle on a wall. More Japanese philosophy.

-The noise is at its loudest - Julie reaches for a doorknob - and yanks open the door.

ANGLE ON A CLOTHES DRYER

BUFFY: Square on a ceiling.

SPIKE: No repeats, remember? No one gets your stupid Japanese philosophy jokes anyway.

BUFFY: Yes they do. Don't you, guys?

XANDER: (looks away) Um... no?

WILLOW: (shrugs apologetically) Not really. I mean, I get them... sort of, I just don't... um...

BUFFY: (pouts) Fine then. No more.

-rocking and banging inside the closet. Julie frowns.

SPIKE: (as Julie) I had no idea the dryer was getting it on with the washing machine... huh.

-Julie spins, once again startled by Karla,

BUFFY: (as Julie) Damn it, Karla, stop that! You're hideous.

-who crosses to the dryer, flipping open the lid and then jumping back to catch the shoes as they pop out on the fly.

XANDER: ...sadly, she misses, and the shoes hit her full in the face, shoving her nose into her brain. She dies, Julie weeps, we cheer. The end.

-Julie - (still sleepy)

That could break the machine.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Um, what could? My face being smacked by my shoes as they pop out? D'oh! Now you tell me!

-Karla -

Julie, people who end up making rules like that end up beating their kids with wire hangers. It's a fact.

XANDER: (as Karla) Really. I read it in the Enquirer.

-The phone RINGS. Karla looks at her watch.

BUFFY: (sighs happily) Random sentences! The radio PLAYS. The bread is fresh.

WILLOW: (shakes her head with a smile) A KNOCK sounds on the door. My shoelace is untied.

SPIKE: Bells RING loudly. A beer sure would be nice. (No green light appears)

XANDER: The dishes CRASH to the floor. My sandwich is all gone. (to Spike) There's some beer in the fridge. I think the Power keeping us here is tired of waiting on us hand and foot.

SPIKE: (leaves to get a beer)

-Karla - (cont'd)

It's Tyrell.

WILLOW: (as Julie, awed) He's in that little piece of plastic? How'd he do that?

-Julie - (resigned)

BUFFY: (as Julie) That's it. I'm out of this movie, I resign.

SPIKE: (returns)

-The number's unlisted...

SPIKE: (as Karla) Geez, Julie, I only gave it out to Ty. Oh, and Billy, my brother's friend. And Stu, Billy's friend. Oh, also, some weird, old guy, who wears a slicker and carries a bloody hook, named Ben Willis.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, ok. Guess I'm just being paranoid.

-Karla -

Would you relax? We've been dating three months. He ain't stalking your butt.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Um, yes he is. Everyone stalks my butt. It's perfect. Everyone says so.

SPIKE: (to Willow) Let's see. Stand up.

WILLOW: (rolls her eyes)

-Julie -

Okay, okay. You're right.

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...it is a little big, but... it's perfect in every other way, feel it. Go ahead.

-Karla -

I know it, and it feels good.

ALL: (laugh)

BUFFY: (as Julie) Told ya so.

XANDER: (to Buffy) You read ahead. That was too perfect.

BUFFY: Did not.

XANDER: Did so.

BUFFY: Did not.

XANDER: Did so.

SPIKE: (frustrated) Oh, who cares? It was funny, we all laughed, let's move on now.

WILLOW: Really.

BUFFY: (mutters) Did not.

XANDER: (whispers) Did so.

SPIKE: (growls)

-(answering the phone) Hi, Ty.

A DJ for a local radio station BOOMS from the phone.

XANDER: (as DJ) Boom!

-Mark - (V.O.)

This is Mark in the Morning for Magic 96.7 Radio Station! Who am I speaking with?

SPIKE: (as Karla) Freddy Krueger.

-Julie watches her friend get excited.

SPIKE: She just goes at it right there in front of-

WILLOW: (to Spike) No.

SPIKE: (to Willow) No, what?

WILLOW: We're not vampires, so we don't constantly need to be NC-17, how about you tone it down for the majority?

SPIKE: (sighs) This is getting old. I'm not toning anything down for anyone. Got it?

-Karla -

Mark in the Morning! Magic 96.7! Oh my God! I'm Karla. Karla Wilson. (to Julie) Jules, it's Mark in the Morning.

BUFFY: (as Julie, sarcastically) Really? Wow, I didn't get that the first time, please repeat it ten more times, then maybe I'll get it.

-Mark - (V.O.)

Well, Karla, what're you doin' at home over the long fourth weekend?

XANDER: (as Karla) Um, the fourth weekend of what?

-Karla -

Well, I'm in school and -

SPIKE: (as Karla) ...prostituting for my tuition, hooking on the corner for kicks, and dancing in a club in my spare time.

-Mark - (V.O.)

How'd you like to win a Magic 96.7 Quicky Getaway?

WILLOW: (as Karla) No, thanks. Bye.

-Karla -

Yes!

Julie hits the SPEAKERPHONE BUTTON and Karla hangs up. The DJ's voice echos through the appartment.

Mark - (V.O.)

Good,

WILLOW: (echoing) ...good...

SPIKE: ...good...

BUFFY: ...good...

XANDER: ...good...

-then

WILLOW: (echoing) ...then...

SPIKE: ...then...

BUFFY: ...then...

XANDER: ...then...

-I

WILLOW: (echoing) ...I...

SPIKE: ...I...

BUFFY: ...I...

XANDER: ...I...

WILLOW: Okay, it's officially old now.

-hope you remember your geography, Karla, because all you have to do to win is tell me the capital of Brazil.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Well, duh, Mark, the capital of Brazil is Southport. This whole movie revolves around Julie and her little hometown, so it must be Southport.

XANDER: (as mark) You're absolutely right, Karla, Julie is the shining sun to out pathetic little Pluto.

-Karla's smile abruptly fades.

WILLOW: I don't want to be a Pluto. I want to be a Mars.

-Karla - (into phone)

Brazil? Um...

She looks to Julie, whose face is as blank as hers.

SPIKE: (as Julie) Duuuh, just 'cause we're in college we're supposed to know things like that? Um, like, I don't even know the capital of my own state, let alone the state of Brazil.

-Karla - (cont'd)

You don't know? You have to know. You know everything...

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ow, thinking hurts. Make it stop, please. No more questions.

-Mark -

C'mon, Karla, one easy question, one great getaway!

Julie - (shrugs)

...South America...Carnival...

WILLOW: (as Julie) Um, Kathie Lee Gifford goes there on her big boat, and, um, vrooom, right by Brazil... uh... Southport?

-Mark - (V.O.)

Karla, we need an answer. No looking it up.

SPIKE: (as Karla, laughs) No need to worry about that, I don't have one of those map thingies... you know, a dictionary.

-Karla -

Still here...thinking... (stalling) You mean Brazil, the country?

XANDER: (as mark) Well, no, I actually meant Brazil the city, but yours is better.

-Mark - (V.O.)

Okay, Karla, five seconds. (counting down) Five...Four...

Julie has an idea.

SPIKE: (scoffs) You're kidding. I'm shocked and amazed.

-She scramles

WILLOW: (growls) How exactly does one scramle? Huh? How? I want to know, inquiring minds want to know!

OTHERS: ...

-for the kitchen. Grabs a BAG OF FRESH-GROUND COFFEE from the FREEZER.

XANDER: Ahh! Scared now. No more screaming please.

-Mark - (cont'd, V.O.)

Three...Two...

Julie tosses the bag across the room to Karla. Karla reads the label: RIO BLEND - 100% BRAZILIAN COFFEE.

Karla - (blurting)

Rio de Janeiro!

SPIKE: Oh, she's a smart one. It mentions Rio, therefore, Rio De Janeiro _must_ be the capital of Brazil.

WILLOW: (nods) Makes sense to me. And, a can of Pepsi mentions, um, (looks on her can) Somers, New York, therefore, the capital of New York must be Somers. Not Albany like we all thought.

OTHERS: (nod)

-Mark - (V.O.)

Oh, no...Did you say Rio?

SPIKE: See? Even he realizes how stupid she is.

-Karla - (wincing)

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ow, it hurts to think. Stop making me do that!

-No.

ALL: Liar!

-Yes?

BELLS and WHISTLES and triumphant MUSIC.

ALL: (flatly) Yay.

-Mark - (V.O.)

You just won Magic 96.7's Quickie Getaway...a trip for four to Tower Bay Island in the fabulous Bahamas.

Karla and Julie jump up and down ecstatically.

Karla -

Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

XANDER: Why's she whining? What's her problem?

BUFFY: I think that's supposed to be an ecstatic yell.

XANDER: ... oh.

-Mark - (V.O.)

We'll call you back with all the details...So what's your favorite radio station?

WILLOW: (as Karla) KISS 107.5!

SPIKE: (as Karla) KLLZ 93.3

XANDER: (as Karla) KRCK 109.7

BUFFY: (as Karla) KSLA 96.5

-Karla and Julie

Magic 96.7!

Julie hangs up and joins Karla dancing on the couch.

Karla -

I won. I won...I won, I won, I won.

XANDER: (dryly) Do you think she won?

-(teasing) Now, let's see...There's Tyrell, that's one. And, there's my parents ...And I got some cousins. (beat) Okay, Julie, you can come, but Mark said four tickets. That means you gotta get yourself a date.

Julie thinks, she seems torn.

XANDER: That's 'cause Karla ripped her in half.

-CUT TO:

EXT. SOUTHPORT DOCKS - DAY

A SMALL MOUND OF RED SNAPPER is DUMPED - wiggling and suffocating its way across the deck of a fishing boat.

WE PULL AWAY TO REVEAL it's RAY who's just done the dumping.

WILLOW: Doesn't he know that dumping is illegal?

-A coworker, DAVE, friendly, playful, and down-to-earth, calls out from the dock -

SPIKE: (as Dave) Hey, Ray, nice ass!

-Dave -

Hey, Ray...phone!

WILLOW: (as Ray) Very funny, Dave, you know there're no such things as phones.

OTHERS: ...

BUFFY: That was random.

WILLOW: (shrugs) I'm in a random kinda mood.

-Ray takes the phone.

SPIKE: ...to a private place, where the two of them can spend some time alone.

-WE INTERCUT.

Julie -

Hi.

BUFFY: Upon hearing that annoyingly perky voice, Ray hangs up.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Um... hello? Ray? Yoo hoo... Ray?

-Ray is happy to hear her voice, but cautious.

BUFFY: ... last time he'd talked to her on the phone, she'd blown his eardrum.

-Ray - (beat)

SPIKE: ...the phone against his skull for ever agreeing to go out with the bitch all those years ago.

-Hey. I'm really glad you called... I'm sorry.

SPIKE: (as Ray) ...I'm such a wimp.

-Julie - (compassoinate)

No, you don't have to be sorry. I'm the one -

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...who's overwhelmingly annoying.

-Ray -

No, I shouldn't have left so fast... I was just...

SPIKE: (as Ray) ...afraid of your high-pitched voice and beady eyes.

-Julie -

It's okay.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...I _was_ extremely annoying, huh?

OTHERS: O_O

SPIKE: What?

WILLOW: You're kind of... carrying on a whole conversation there by yourself. With yourself.

SPIKE: (shrugs) Yeah? So?

WILLOW: Nothing.

-Dave holds up two wriggling snappers. He dances them toward each other in a puppetlike mating ritual, making KISSING SOUNDS

SPIKE: Now if I start doing _that_ you all can say something.

XANDER: I did that with fish sticks once.

SPIKE: As I said.

-and narrating -

Dave - (as the fish)

Julie, I love you. I know I'm only a humble fish, but if you really look at it, you're a fish, too. (girl voice) Oh, Ray, you're right...Do me like a snapper. (mashing the fish together)

Hey, something smells like fish...

BUFFY: ...wow. This guy's kinda...

XANDER: Cool.

BUFFY: Well, I was gonna say weird, but...

-Ray waves him away, concentrating on his call.

WILLOW: (as Ray) Go away, Dave, I have to practice my whale call.

-Julie -

Ray, Karla won a trip to the Bahamas! An island called Tower Bay. And she wants us to come with her.

SPIKE: (as Ray) But, honey, you know I can only come alone.

WILLOW: (sighs)

-Ray -

What? The Bahamas? You're kidding.

XANDER: (as Ray, whispering) Dave! What're the Ba-ha-mas?

-Dave's interest is piqued.

BUFFY: (as Dave) I don't know what the ba-ha-mas are.

-Julie -

We'd have a long weekend just to sit in the sun, drink fruity drinks, and swim, and... (sexy) You know...

SPIKE: (as Ray) No... what?

WILLOW: (as Julie) ... you know!

SPIKE: (as Ray) Oh, right! Surfing. Duh!

WILLOW: (as Julie, giving up) Yes, Ray, surfing. That is exactly what I meant. Good boy. Sit.

-Ray -

This weekend?

WILLOW: (as Julie) Well, that's when _we're_ going. You can go whenever you want.

-Dave is watching Ray closely. Ray's expression hardens.

BUFFY: ...due to the wet cement that's been poured over his face by his fellow fishermen.

-Ray - (hurt)

WILLOW: (as Ray) Ow.

-You'll go away with you're college friends, but you won't go away with me?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, duh! I _like_ them.

-Dave -

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

XANDER: Yep. I definitely like Dave.

-Karla is watching Julie.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Pervert! Quit watching me.

-Julie -

It's not you, it's Southport. And it's the Bahamas! And it's free!

WILLOW: And there's been a sale on 'it's' apparently.

-Karla is watching Julie.

WILLOW: (as Julie) I said stop that, Karla. You're a pervert.

-Karla -

You gotta sell his butt on the Bahamas?

XANDER: (as Julie) No, I'm not going to sell Ray's butt on the Bahamas... I'm not a pimp!

-Julie -

Ray, come on. I want us to be together.

Ray thinks.

SPIKE: I think the transcriber's giving Ray too much credit.

-Dave looks at him like he's crazy.

SPIKE: (as Dave) Dude, are you nuts? Thinking on the fly like that? You could hurt yourself.

-Ray -

(can't give in) Julie, we're working a big run up here. It's been crazy. We probably have to go out again tonight. I don't think I can do it.

Julie -

Will you try...for me, please?

WILLOW: (as Ray) No.

-Dave moves one of the fish like it's been shot through the heart.

XANDER: Uh... how does he do that?

SPIKE: Ya got me.

WILLOW: No clue.

BUFFY: (shrugs) Not seeing it myself.

-Ray -

Okay, I'll try. But, listen... (martyrlike) If I don't make it up, then you go ahead and have a great time.

WILLOW: (as Julie, sarcastically) Well, gee, Ray, can I really? How thoughtful of you.

-Julie -

Ray...please try. I really miss you. (beat) Okay. Bye.

BUFFY: I'm pregnant. (beat) Okay. Bye.

WILLOW: I love you. (beat) Okay. Bye.

XANDER: You're father's dead. (beat) Okay. Bye.

SPIKE: You're adopted. (beat) Okay. Bye.

-She hangs

WILLOW: ...herself. The end.

-up and Karla sits next to her.

Karla -

That boy has got fish on the brain. (sensitive) Hey, cheer up, Charlie. (singing a rumba) We're going to the Bahamas. Bahama

Mama, yeah...

BUFFY: What is that girl on?

SPIKE: My guess? A couch.

BUFFY: Ha ha. You're so funny.

-EXT. SOUTHPORT DOCKS - DAY

Ray is staring unhappily at the little pile of snapper. Dave is

staring at him in disbelief.

XANDER: (as Dave) Dude, you're actually gonna stand there like that, acting like you didn't just stink up the whole dock? Christ, man, light a match or twenty.

-Dave -

Man, what is your problem? We haven't caught anything for days.

SPIKE: (as Dave) ...except, you know, that bad case of crabs from that skanky hooker.

-Pull the big ugly stick out of your butt. She asked you to go to

the Bahamas! Man, you gotta go. We'll both drive up. I got friends I can see up there.

WILLOW: Wait, wait, wait. Dave wants to drive _up_ to the Bahamas? First of all, from North Carolina, it's _down_. Second of all, he can drive to Florida-which, again, is down-and then take a boat. But he cannot drive to the Bahamas.

SPIKE: I think he meant to drive up to Boston to meet Julie before they leave for the Bahamas.

WILLOW: Oh. That's okay then.

-Ray realizes how right he is.

WILLOW: (as Ray) I can't believe I let the guys talk me into getting the Gumby 'do. What was I thinking?

BUFFY: Wait. Ray's right about something? No way.

XANDER: No, Ray realizes how right my man Dave is.

-Ray -

Stupid. Stupid.

SPIKE: Aw, he's reminiscing about his childhood nickname.

-Dave -

Stupid. What were you thinkng?

XANDER: (as Ray) I don't think. What are you talking about?

-Ray looks at Dave a contemplative beat, then walks over to his truck. He leans in the passenger side and pulls out the engagement ring box. Dave walks over.

Ray -

You wanna see what I've been thinking?

BUFFY: Well, no, not really.

WILLOW: Unh-uh.

XANDER: Nope.

SPIKE: Hell no.

-He holds up the box and slowly opens it. Dave is stunned.

SPIKE: ...as a laser beam shoots out from the box, piercing his skull, killing him almost instantly. The end.

WILLOW: Dave's not the main character. I don't think the movie would end if he died.

SPIKE: (sucks his teeth in mock irritation) Take away my fun.

-Dave -

Jeez, Ray, fourth and forty, throw the bomb.

WILLOW: What?

BUFFY: Huh?

SPIKE: American football talk.

XANDER: Fourth down, forty yard line.

WILLOW/BUFFY: (blank, uncaring looks) Oh.

-Ray -

I should go up there. I should call her back, tell her I'm coming.

SPIKE: (opens his mouth)

WILLOW: (to Spike, taking a deep breath) And we're refraining... we're not saying it. Clean breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out... and don't say it.

BUFFY: (amused) You're just not going to give up, are ya, Will?

WILLOW: (grinning) Nope.

SPIKE: (grinning as well) Me either.

XANDER: (groans) Great. Warfare.

-Dave -

No way, man. Surprise her. She'll be psyched.

Ray is excited by the plan and Dave's right there with him.

XANDER: Ew. Dave, dude, no.

BUFFY: (as Ray) Yeah, that's a great idea. Julie loves surprises. Ever since I killed that guy two years ago, and we were chased around by a serial killer who killed all our friends, and stalked us during the Fourth of July... and, wait... it's the same weekend. She's gonna _love_ me!

WILLOW: (laughs)

-DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - NIGHT

We stare out at a rain-soaked stretch of road.

A PICKUP ROARS past, cruising along with its RADIO loud and windows rolled down.

SPIKE: Already I'm bored with this scene.

-INT. RAY'S PICKUP - NIGHT

The music's even LOUDER in here.

XANDER: (to transcriber) Dude! So is your yelling!

WILLOW: (to Xander) What's with all the dude-ing you've been doing?

SPIKE: (snickers)

XANDER: (to Spike) Dude, shut up! (to Willow) I dunno, I can't seem to stop. It's like when you hear a southern accent and you suddenly start calling everyone 'ya'll'.

WILLOW: (understanding) Ah.

-The mood is high...Two buddies going to propose to a girl.

WILLOW: Um. I thought only Ray was proposing.

-Dave adjusts the radio to another AM station -

Dave -

Man, I love AM radio. You got right-wing conspiracy, tips for

pregnant womem, Single-A baseball games, and real country music... None of that new crap...

ALL: O_O

-He adjusts the dial again, tuning in a country song, "MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS," by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson.

BUFFY: (shudders) Ahhh! No. Not Country.

SPIKE: (shudders) Ahhh! No. Not Willie.

WILLOW: (shudders) Ahhh! No. Not Waylon.

XANDER: Hey, some country's okay. You know, like, Patsy Cline

when you're heartbroken, and-

OTHERS: (stare at him)

XANDER: (laughs falsely) I'm kidding. Haha. I made a joke.

-Dave starts singing along, extra LOUD and out of tune.

SPIKE: Thank God there's no sound with this thing.

-Dave - (cont'd) (singing)

"...Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys, don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks. Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such."

BUFFY: Wait a second. They were singing Sammy Hagar in the movie, not this... blech. Or, was it Van Halen with Sammy Hagar? Or... White Snake? I can't remember, but it wasn't this song, or even country. It was a screechy guy with long hair.

SPIKE: Thanks for narrowing that down, Slayer.

BUFFY: Ooo. Or was it Slayer?

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)

-Ray looks at his goofy friend singing and starts to get a little happy himself...

SPIKE: (as Ray) Seeing Dave here so goofy makes me feel a little happy deep down... way down in my groin. Hey, Dave, could you-

WILLOW: (clears her throat loudly) Wow, look, something's about to happen on the next line.

SPIKE: Yeah, like Ray and Dave-

WILLOW: Oh, look, a dead body. Wow, Spike, aren't you just going 'yay' and 'where's the blood?'?

BUFFY/XANDER: (laugh quietly)

-Then, Ray sees something in the road ahead. He turns down the radio. They both stare -

SPIKE: ...into each others eyes, before ripping their clothes off.

WILLOW: (angrily) ...and going at it like bunnies! Happy? Are we all through with ignoring me and doing exactly what I asked you not to do?

SPIKE: (laughs) Yeah. Works for me.

-RAY'S POV: A CAR TURNED SIDEWAYS

its HAZARDS blinking.

BUFFY: (as car) I've fallen, and I can't get up.

-Ray slows and creeps past the car.

BUFFY: Yeah, let's not worry about evidence, and all that crap.

-The driver's door is open. It

appears EMPTY.

XANDER: (sarcastically) Well, gosh, the way you said that, I'm going to take a stand and say it's not actually empty.

-A BODY

BUFFY: ...falls out of the tree above the road, crashes through the windshield, causing Ray to crash. The end.

-is sprawled out in the road away from the car. Ray pulls over to the shoulder and stops.

BUFFY: Mine was more exciting.

-Dave - (nervous)

SPIKE: (as Dave) Ray? I pissed myself.

XANDER: Hey. Leave Dave alone. He's the best character _ever_.

-I don't know, man. Maybe we should keep going, find a phone -

Ray -

No.

Dave -

The guy looks dead.

WILLOW: (as Ray) So do you, but I'm not leaving you behind.

SPIKE: (as Dave) I really need to change my pants, dude.

-Ray has seen this before -

BUFFY: ...last night he'd placed his G.I. Joe Jeep, and G.I. Joe doll in these exact same positions! Someone must be watching him.

OTHERS: (snicker)

-Ray -

Maybe not.

He throws open his door.

WILLOW: ...smacking the victim in the head as he tries to crawl to the truck for help.

XANDER: (as victim) Ow.

-EXT. ROADWAY - NIGHT

Ray steps from his truck.

WILLOW: ...stepping on the victim's neck, paralyzing him for life.

XANDER: (as victim) Ow.

-Looks back at the empty car, then turns toward the body.

WILLOW: ...tripping over the victim's arm, breaking it in three different spots.

XANDER: (as victim) Ow.

WILLOW: ...and dislocating his shoulder.

XANDER: (as victim) Ow.

-Ray - (nervous)

Hey! Buddy, what's up?

BUFFY: (as Ray) I, uh, I didn't mean to step on you and hit you in the head and stuff.

-The body doesn't move.

BUFFY: (as Ray) I broke it.

XANDER: (as victim) ...ow.

-BEHIND RAY

and behind Dave, in the other car, a FIGURE IN A SLICKER sits up in the back seat and gets out of the car.

XANDER: Nooo! Not Dave. Anyone but Dave. Dude, go for Ray, he's easy prey. Can't think his way out of a paper bag. Please, just don't kill Dave. (pouts) He's my buddy.

-Ray continues toward the body.

RAYS POV - BODY

FACE DOWN - WEARING A BLACK RAIN SLICKER.

Ray moves closer to the all to familiar image.

WILLOW: Wow, look, isn't that neat? A typo. (waves) Hi, little typo.

-BEHIND RAY

SPIKE: ...everyone in the world was laughing at him.

-SLICKER FIGURE moves toward the unsuspecting Dave.

XANDER: No! Dave... run! Run, Dave, run!

OTHERS: (snigger)

-INT. RAY'S PICKUP - NIGHT

Dave watches Ray in the road. He leans across the seat and rolls up Ray's window.

BUFFY: (as Dave) That should keep Ray out of here. Good thing he can't work doorknobs.

-Behind him, the SLICKER FIGURE gets closer, moving to the passenger side of the truck.

XANDER: (moans, whispering) Run, Dave. Run.

-EXT. MEDIAN - NIGHT

Ray nears the body. He kneels down.

Ray -

Hey, can you hear me?

Ray reaches toward the body...

INT. RAY'S PICKUP - NIGHT

Something FLASHES IN THE SIDE-VIEW MIRROR.

XANDER: (whimpers) Dave... buddy, for the love of all puppies, run!

-EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Ray turns over the body. Something isn't right. Ray jumps back -

WILLOW: (as Ray) Ew, he breathed on me! Bad, dead person! Bad!

-CLOSE - SLICKER MANNEQUIN

Its eerie smile mocking Ray who turns for the truck.

Ray -

DAVE!

BUFFY: (as Ray) It looks just like me, isn't that cool?

-EXT. TRUCK - NIGHT

Dave hears something. He turns to late. SPLLAATTT! THE FISHERMAN jams his hook through Dave's jaw and skull and YANKS Dave OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW.

XANDER: NOOOooo...! (sniffs) Dude, you'll be missed.

SPIKE: No, he won't.

XANDER: Shut up.

WILLOW: Wait, didn't he roll up the window?

BUFFY: Yup. Ray's, anyway. Maybe he left his down.

SPIKE: Idiot.

-Ray -

...Dave?

SPIKE: (to Ray) He's dead. He can't hear you.

XANDER: Shut up, Spike. Have a little respect.

-There's no answer from dead Dave.

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)

XANDER: (to Spike) I hate you.

-Ray tries to see around the headlights. He moves slowly toward the truck.

WILLOW: (as Ray) Damn, should've brought my official Headlight See-er Through-er Glasses.

-The BRIGHTS and FOGS come on, blinding Ray. The truck's engine REVS. The truck rolls a few inches,

WILLOW: ...then decides to throw Ray off by croissant-ing.

-adjusting a bead on Ray.

WILLOW: ...it lines up a shot and proceeds to toss earrings and necklaces of plastic at him.

BUFFY: (as truck) I'm gonna get ya, Ray. I'm gonna get ya.

-Then, tires spinning, the truck launches straight at Ray.

Ray runs at the truck.

XANDER: (as Ray) You killed Dave! I wanna die too. Waaah!

-AT THE LAST MINUTE, he ducks behind the parked car.

XANDER: (as Ray) Psyche!

-HIS TRUCK goes SCREAMING past.

ALL: AHHHH!

-Ray backs around the car -

AN EIGHTEEN-WHEELER

goes barreling by in the other direction. Ray dives out of the way.

IN THE ROAD

SPIKE: He dives out of the way into the road?

BUFFY: All the better for the truck to hit him.

-Ray is exposed.

SPIKE: As if by magick, his clothes fall to the street, leaving him exposed. The killer slams on the brakes, and points at Ray, laughing.

-He sees his truck closing fast. He's got nowhere to go. Then, at the very last second,

RAY

jumps off the edge of the road. His TRUCK SLAMS INTO THE BARRIER RIGHT WHERE RAY WAS STANDING. SPARKS FLY! METAL BUCKLES!

XANDER: (hands over his ears) Dude! Stop yelling at us!

-Ray falls through the air. Lands hard on his leg. Tumbles down the hill, finally stopping with a crash. He lies motionless at the bottom of a ravine.

SPIKE: Bet that hurt, what with him being naked and all.

WILLOW: (as Ray) Ow.

-FADE OUT:

EXT. JULIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Karla exits the building. She watches Julie sitting on the curb.

A truck turns onto the street. Julie looks hopeful,

BUFFY: (as Julie, whines like a dog)

-but - it's not Ray.

BUFFY: (as Julie, sadly) Woof.

-Karla approaches her friend.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Easy, girl, no biting... that's a good Julie.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Grrrrr.

-Karla -

Girl, it's gettin' down to the wire.

Julie turns.

SPIKE: ...around, and falls flat on her face.

XANDER: (to Spike) But she was sitting.

SPIKE: The girl's got talent.

-Julie -

He's not coming. I thought he was just...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...pretending like he couldn't stand me... guess it was real repugnance.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Duh.

-Karla -

Julie, you left four messages... Four.

XANDER: (in cheesy Transylvanian accent) Four... four messages! Muwahahahaha!

-Julie -

But, he said he'd try.

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...not to drool on you anymore, Karla. Just give him a chance.

-Karla -

He said he'd try. Try is like maybe. Try is nothing!

WILLOW: Hey, that's not true. Try is effort and work and other things that are hard... Karla is a big, stupid, wanna-be philosopher.

-Julie - (appoligizing for him)

He does work hard.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...at trying to fit in... I guess the hand-licking and butt-sniffing are a bit much?

-Karla -

Work hard, huh? He's breaking your heart just because he can.

(hesitant) And I don't want to have to say I told you so...

XANDER: (as Karla) ...but I will. Told you so! Hahahaha!

-Julie -

Then, don't.

XANDER: (as Karla) Too late! Hahaha!

WILLOW: (to Xander) Sugar just now hitting you?

XANDER: (shrugs) Or something.

-A Jeep Cherokee stops, and an ebullient Tyrell steps out wearing

shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.

ALL: (snicker)

SPIKE: (distinct lack of a snicker)

-Tyrell -

Hey, baby, we gonna get tropical or we gonna get tropical?

The passenger door opens and Will Benson steps hesitantly around the Jeep.

Julie -

Oh!

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...you look even more hideous in the daylight, Will. Could you just... yeah, cover up or something. Thanks.

-Karla - (re: Will)

Hey, sorry... (quick, playing it off) He's my friend, too. And that ticket is not going to waste.

Will reads Julie's expression.

XANDER: (as Will) Oh, sorry, I thought it was gonna be a silent one... I'll just be over there. You might not want to breathe for a minute or two.

-Will -

Julie, is everything cool? Karla said...

SPIKE: (as Will) ...that you're like a big Barbie doll, and that I could play with you. Um, is that not ok?

-Karla -

I said we start having fun. And that means now.

SPIKE: (snorts) Heil, Hitler!

-Julie takes a last look up the street. She stands.

BUFFY: Then she sits. Then she stands. Then she sits. Then she stands.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Now is not the time for your 'special' aerobics, Julie.

-Tyrell -

Is there a problem here?

WILLOW: (as Karla) Julie's stuck in a time warp. Could you throw her in the jeep, please, Ty?

-Karla -

Where there's a Will, there's a way. Come on.

WILLOW: That's a good saying. I like that saying.

-Julie - (deciding)

You know what? This rocks. We're going to the Bahamas!

Will is relieved.

XANDER: (as Will) Thought I was gonna have to get medieval on her ass.

-Karla - (getting into the spirit)

We goin' Bahamas, I'm Ty's Bahama Mama. We goin' Bahamas...

She bops over to Tyrell.

BUFFY: ...slips, falls in the middle of the street, gets run over by an eighteen wheeler, and dragged about a block before coming to rest against a car parked on the side of the street. She sits up just as the car door opens, smacking her in the head and knocking her out.

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: Um, is she guilty of letting Helen die too? And, um, of having her own Ray?

BUFFY: Duh. No. She's just plain annoying.

-CUT TO:

EXT. MIDAIR - DAY

A wide-body

SPIKE: ...blocks the shot, causing Julie to scream and pout because she wasn't seen for five seconds.

-jet SCREAMS through the clouds.

XANDER: (as plane) Ahhhh! Someone get me out of this crappy movie!

-INT. PLANE - DAY

A nearly empty jet.

SPIKE: The passengers found out they were going to be in this movie and stampeded out the door. In midair.

WILLOW: That, or the in-flight movie was I Know What You Did Last Summer.

-Karla has her head on Tyrell's shoulder. Julie is reading a book.

ALL: Aww.

SPIKE: Wake up!

-Will's knuckles are white from gripping the armrests in fear, and his eyes are clenched shut.

XANDER: (as Will, mumbling) Tiny, pigmy worms are _not_ trying to take over the plane... it's just an irrational fear, they're not-

WILLOW: (as Julie, screams) Tiny, pigmy worms!

XANDER: (as Will) Ahhh! (then...) Oh, ha ha, very funny.

-Julie looks on with concern.

WILLOW: (as Julie) You should probably take another breath now, it's been three minutes since your last one.

-Julie -

Just take deep breaths and think of something happy from childhood.

Will -

What if I don't have anything happy from childhood...

XANDER: (as Julie) Then you pretend like the rest of us do. Now stop whining.

-Sorry, I can't relax going five hundred miles an hour, or four thousand, four hundred feet a minute... (calculating) Which is over seven hundred feet a second. Imagine hitting something at seven hundred feet a second.

SPIKE: Imagine me hitting you with my fist if you don't shut up.

-Julie -

Deep breaths -

WILLOW: Yeah, Spike, deep breaths.

-Will - (no deep breaths)

Fumes build up in the fuel tanks. You can by surface-to-air missiles over the internet.

WILLOW: Or, you could 'buy' them. Up to you really.

-Planes use O-rings...which freeze in tap water. Planes fall from the sky for practically no reason at all.

BUFFY: (as passenger) Ahhhhhhhh!

WILLOW: (as other passenger) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

XANDER: (as another passenger) Help uuuuuuuus!

SPIKE: (as yet another passenger) That's it, I'm killing him.

OTHERS: (as passengers) Yay!

-Julie -

You've got a better chance of getting hit by lightning.

BUFFY: We can hope.

-Will -

Right. Planes get hit by lightning. They get hit by meteors. They hit other planes.

ALL: (to Will) Shut up!

-Tyrell shakes his head.

Tyrell - (exasperated)

Something is gonna hit your butt if you don't quit complaining.

SPIKE: Tyrell's my new favorite character.

XANDER: Mine too... though I still miss Dave.

-Karla - (sypathetic)

WILLOW: (clears her throat) Xander, dear, are you okay?

XANDER: (bewildered) Uh... yeah. Why?

WILLOW: I'm being 'sypathetic'.

XANDER: Ah. Thanks for the 'sypathy', but I'm good.

-Honey, some folks just can't fly.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Well, actually honey, no folks can fly. Birds, some demons, insects, airplanes... but not people.

-Will doesn't move, frozen with fear of flying, but more closely bonded with the concerned Julie.

WILLOW: (as Will) Yay, my absolutely incapacitating fear and terror has brought me closer to Julie... (gags) 'scuse me, gotta puke!

-CUT TO:

EXT. OCEAN VISTA - DAY

Establishing. A Board of Tourism kind of shot. Blue water. Green

islands. Golden sun. Puffy clouds.

SPIKE: Look, Buffy clouds.

BUFFY: It says 'puffy', you doofus!

SPIKE: (shrugs, chuckling) You say so.

-A BOAT CHUGS by with the words "Tower Bay" painted on the side.

WILLOW: (as boat) Toot toot.

-Tyrell THROWS UP over the side.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Barf barf.

ALL: Eww.

-EXT. FERRY - DAY

More of a small tub than a ferry.

SPIKE: Well, actually it's just a cardboard box. Oops, it just fell apart, an they all drowned. The end.

WILLOW: You know, you'd think some of these 'end' scenarios would work, or be thought up by the author, but nooooo.

-Julie, Karla, Will, and Tyrell are the only passengers.

XANDER: The other passengers fled as soon as they saw the four of them approaching. They're actually hanging on the outside of the boat, desperately hoping Julie and the others don't see them.

-At the bow, Julie and Karla laugh and play "King of the World." Julie in the prow, Karla behind her.

XANDER: Oh, good God, no.

Julie - (deadpan)

I'm the King of the World.

SPIKE: Shut the hell up.

-Karla - (deadpan)

No, I'm the King of the World.

SPIKE: You're gonna be king of the dead people on that ferry if you don't shut the hell up.

-They switch places. They look at each other and crack up laughing. Karla takes in the surroundings, the salt spray, the day -

WILLOW: The polluted water...

BUFFY: The smog...

XANDER: The mutated fish...

SPIKE: The puke flying through the air from Tyrell's mouth...

OTHERS: Ew, gross!

SPIKE: (laughs)

-Karla -

Remind me to study real hard so someday this is normal and all that back there is somethin' I do for a weekend once every ten years.

Julie - (sharing the moment)

BUFFY: (as Karla) Moment thief!

-I will, and you remind me of the same thing.

BUFFY: (as Karla) You're a copycat too.

-They throws their arms around each other and stare into the horizon.

WILLOW: (laughs hysterically) Throws...

SPIKE: She's gonna snap again...

XANDER: No, she's not. Our Will's made of finer stuff than the pathetic Will in this script.

BUFFY: Yeah.

SPIKE: (shakes his head) She's gonna snap.

-AT THE STERN

Will talks to a very green Tyrell.

XANDER: (as Will) I'm sorry, but you're turning into the Incredible Hulk.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Ack!

XANDER: (as Will) Yeah, big, horrible green monster thing... hmm, wonder if Julie's ready for some more bonding... (walks away)

-Will -

You just gotta breathe.

BUFFY: (as Will) Whoa, whoa, whoa, not that much, slow down, you're passing out... oh, um, a little help here?

-Tyrell is trying to keep from puking -

WILLOW: Blech. Blech.

SPIKE: She's definitely broken.

-Tyrell -

Can't talk right now.

Will - (slightly malicious)

BUFFY: (as Will) Your shirt's un-tucked. (laughs evilly)

-See, it's not a macho thing. It's about equilibrium in your inner ear. You could've used a patch, but it's too late now. Get used to it. (then) Some folks just can't sail.

Paulsen, the BOAT CAPTAIN, overhears as he passes -

SPIKE: (as Paulsen) Shut up, you little punk! Nobody likes you.

Paulsen -

That's too bad, too, because it's the only way on or off the island. (slightly ominous) Unless you have an accident. And then

they call the Coast Guard.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Um, hello, Coast Guard?

XANDER: (as coast guard) Yes?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Help. I've had an accident. I was laughing so hard I peed in my pants, what do I do?

XANDER: (as coast guard) Hang up the phone, get a pair of Depends, then grab a gun, and kill everyone near you.

-Julie and Karla have rejoined the men.

WILLOW: Morphing into huge She-Males that go to the island and kill everyone on it. The end.

BUFFY: (to Spike) Told you she didn't snap.

WILLOW: Huh?

XANDER: (pats her knee) Nothing for you to worry about.

SPIKE: (snorts)

-Julie -

It's pretty remote here.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...on this boat in the middle of the ocean.

XANDER: (as Paulsen) Imagine that.

-Paulsen - (smiles)

Yep. That's what the tourists pay for- sun, sea, and solitude.

XANDER: (as Paulsen) ...not to mention sex, sunshine, soda, sometimes some sordid stuff, a few spuds, sporks, and, uh, salads.

-Tyrell -

Are we there yet?

WILLOW: (as Paulsen) If you don't stop asking me that, I'm going to turn this boat around. Tyrell, stop poking Julie. Will, your face is going to freeze like that. Karla, get off of that railing. (exasperated) I mean it, I will turn this thing around if you all don't start behaving.

Paulsen -

Few more minutes.

BUFFY: (as Paulsen) ...and my plan will be complete. You'll all be stuck on an almost uninhabited tropical island, left to your own devices; soaking up the sun, drinking fruity drinks and doing... you know.

XANDER: (as Will) No... what?

BUFFY: (as Paulsen) ... you know!

XANDER: (as Will) Oh, right! Surfing, duh!

WILLOW: (as Julie) Good, Lord, can I pick 'em!

-We move off the boat and REVEAL the island. The intrepid vacationers excitedly take in the island.

BUFFY: ...and raise it as their own.

-CUT TO:

EXT. TOWER BAY - DAY

Establishing.

XANDER: (as Locutus) I am Locutus of the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

BUFFY: (as Julie, extra perky) Really? Wow! That is totally cool. I've always wanted to meet a real live Borg, and now I am, and Locutus at that. I am so excited. Like, oh, my God, I have to call everyone I know, and tell them, and- Karla! Look, it's Locutus, and he's assimilating me, and-

XANDER: (as Locutus) Um... nevermind. Abort! Abort!

-An isolated tropical paradise with jungle growing to the beach.

SPIKE: ...mocks them from a mile away, laughing at their puny, pathetic, rat-infested island.

BUFFY: (as island) Ha ha.

-EXT. RESORT DOCK - DAY

The ferry pulls in to a canopied dock. A white-sand beach stretches in every direction. Beautiful tourists stroll about without a care in the world.

WILLOW: (as tourist) La la la, I haven't a care in the world.

SPIKE: (as other tourist) Shark!

WILLOW: (as tourist) La la la, life is perfect, I haven't a care in the- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

XANDER: (as shark) Burp.

-Tyrell stamps his feet on the dock.

XANDER: (as Tyrell, pout-y) Why _can't_ I ride the ponies? Julie's letting Will ride them. I wanna ride them too. I'll hold my breath if you don't let me...

-Tyrell -

I feel like I'm still on that thing.

SPIKE: (as usual tries to say something)

WILLOW: Now's a great time to take a break. (jumps up)

BUFFY: (shrugs) Sure. Why not?

XANDER: I could use a snack...

SPIKE: (snorts) You eat like a bloody horse, Harris. I hope no one ever turns you, you'd eat the other vampires out of house and home.


	3. I Still Know (part 3)

**Title:** _I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer_ an MST of _I Still Know What You Did Last Summer  
_**Author:** sinecure  
**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.  
**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_I Still know What You Did Last Summer_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.  
**A/N:** I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

Willow stayed in the hall while the others searched the kitchen for snacks and possible exits. Last night, she'd snuck out of her room, and come to check on the door, to make sure they hadn't missed something. She'd had to step around Buffy, who fell asleep in the hall, most likely there to protect the three of them. Whether against Spike, or some unknown threat, Willow wasn't sure. So, she'd left Buffy asleep, and gone to the door to the outside. To see if they'd missed anything. They hadn't. Although, there was something odd. After checking the entire barrier for weaknesses, she'd sat on the floor, staring out the open door. The cool night air blew inside, tickling her face with her hair... and it had only taken her five minutes to realize it.

A breeze was coming through the barrier... so why couldn't they? Sunlight had come through earlier in the day, which meant exactly nothing to her. She didn't get it at all. Light and air could come through, but not solid matter. So, she'd tried to think up a way to temporarily turn them invisible, or into mist, or something. But, whatever was controlling this place didn't seem to want to let them out, because it wouldn't give her the books and ingredients she needed for doing a spell. Any spell.

It had given her a laptop last night, and Xander had some comic books, Buffy had a stereo and some CDs, and who knew what Spike got, if anything. But it wouldn't give her access to pagan sites, or anything magickal. She couldn't send email, and basically, it was useless as a means of getting them out.

She opened the door, felt along the barrier, and sat down again. There was no breeze this morning, the trees and bland, could-be-anywhere-in-America street, was quiet and still. She wondered if it was real. They'd never seen a person out there, or anything alive. Or undead. Not even an animal. So, what if it was all just a huge set... put there for their comfort?

"Whatcha doin'?" Xander asked from the kitchen doorway. He had a cookie, and a bottle of water in each hand. He handed one to her.

"Thanks. I'm just looking outside. I thought maybe I could figure out where we are, or you know, approximately where we are, if a car went by or something."

He nodded, smiling his solemn-but-trying-to-be-cheerful smile. "So, did ya?"

"Not one car has gone by. I'm beginning to wonder if we're actually in a house." She stood up and leaned against the jamb. "My theory is that we're actually in another dimension. An alternate world, or universe, or something."

Xander shook his head. "Nah, we're in space."

She grinned, shutting the door, and walking into the main room with him. "Really."

"Yep," he grinned, sitting in his seat. "See, I think we were picked up by aliens." He frowned thoughtfully. "Or a really evil human who wants to see us suffer by forcing us to read bad movie scripts."

Buffy came through the doorway just as he finished his explanation. She had a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. "It's not aliens," she told them matter-of-factly, "it's demons. Sent here to drive the Slayer insane." She sat down and took a bite of her sandwich. "Ooo, or, it could be Faith."

Spike walked in just then, laughing. He had a beer in one hand and a bowl of peanuts in the other. "It's none of that crap. It's a stupid spell spoken aloud by a stupid, moronic human. That's all."

"I didn't speak a single spell, Spike. I took a few random words from a few random spells, and something happened. It wasn't a spell."

Spike sighed, rolling his eyes. "It was a spell after you were done with it, moron. You're the reason we're here, no two ways around it."

Buffy, polishing off the last of her sandwich and milk, slammed her glass down on the table in front of them, and glared at each in turn. "Enough blame. I'm tired of listening to it, and it's not doing us any good whatsoever, so shut up about it already!"

Willow tried valiantly not to laugh at her friend, but Spike and Xander weren't as polite, they bust out laughing. Willow giggled a few times before her laughter got the better of her, and she couldn't hold it in anymore.

Buffy, looking extremely embarrassed, said, "I've got a milk moustache, don't I?"

All three of them nodded, and she groaned, wiping hastily at her mouth. "Ha ha, funny. All gone now. Let's move on."

After a few minutes of continued snickering and laughing, Willow caught Buffy's eye, seeing a small smile on her friend's face. She opened her mouth to accuse her of milk-moustaching herself on purpose, but Buffy shook her head minutely. "We should get back to the movie."

* * *

"Yeah," Spike agreed, "enough lollygagging."

A dockhand, DERRICK, glides past him toward the ladies.

XANDER: Past who?

WILLOW: Tyrell. He's stamping his feet on the dock, remember?

XANDER: Oh, right, right. Pout-y Boy.

Derrick -

That way for a complimentary Planter's Punch to get you readjusted.

SPIKE: (to Xander) You want a Planter's Punch?

XANDER: (nervous) Um... no?

BUFFY: (elbows Spike) Those aren't Planter's Peanuts, Spike, and you're not hitting anyone. (remembers his chip) On second thought, go for it.

XANDER: Hey!

BUFFY: Chip, Xander.

XANDER: Oh, yeah. (Laughs at Spike)

SPIKE: (grumbles) I'm callin' the SPCA.

WILLOW: (chuckles)

Tyrell - (mile-wide smile)

I can get used to this.

Derrick reaches for Julie's hand, clearly checking her out in the

process.

BUFFY: (as Derrick) Uh, lady? You've got a little something on your face...

WILLOW: (as Julie) Oh, that? Silly! That's my nose!

Derrick -

Welcome, Fair Princess, to Tower Bay.

XANDER: She's the princess of a fair?

WILLOW: Sure. State Fair.

(a wink) I'm Derrick. At your service for the duration of your stay.

Julie smiles politely.

BUFFY: ...then shoves a knife into his stomach.

XANDER: Harsh.

BUFFY: (as Julie) That's for looking at me. Pig.

Will gently nudges her on.

SPIKE: ...but miscalculates and knocks her into the ocean.

BUFFY: (as Will) Oops.

They walk away.

SPIKE: ...laughing at Julie.

BUFFY: (as Will) Loser!

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Swim back to the mainland.

Paulsen - (to Derrick, mocking)

I'm at your service, Princess.

WILLOW: (as Derrick, effeminate) Oh, Paulsen, you're so silly, you know I'd never cheat on you, snuggle-bunny.

SPIKE: (shudders)

Derrick - (shrugs)

Season's over old man. So I gotta work fast.

XANDER: (as Derrick) ...to make up for all the work I didn't do during the season. The boss is gonna kill me for all that slacking.

Paulsen -

If Marine Radio's right about the weather, you're already out of time.

He hangs a SIGN at the end of the gangplank. It reads: LAST DEPARTING FERRY - LINE FORMS HERE.

WILLOW: Julie and the others immediately form a line for the ferry.

XANDER: (as Paulsen) Um, you just got here, you want to leave already?

WILLOW: (as Julie) Oh! (laughs) We didn't know what the line was for, we can't read. Duh, us.

Our guys are already at the end of the dock.

BUFFY: We've got guys?

WILLOW: We do now.

BUFFY: Oh. Hi, guys!

CUT TO:

EXT. TOWER BAY HOTEL - DAY

Establishing. An opulent, Carribean-style hacienda resort with all the accoutrements.

The main building is two stories high with a tiled roof. A bell tower rises from one side.

BUFFY: Quasimodo! You come down from there right now, young man!

And, of course, it is surounded on all sides by suffocating fooliage.

ALL: ...of course.

Julie and Karla take in the beauty of the resort.

Karla -

Check it out.

WILLOW: (as Julie, continuing a conversation) From a library? But, I've never been inside one, they're scary.

BUFFY: (as Karla) I know, but you have to go inside one if you want to learn how to Macramé.

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: Feeling random today?

BUFFY: (nods) Yep.

TOW BIKINI GIRLS

WILLOW: Tow bikini girls around! It's the new beach-side past time.

catch the eyes of Tyrell and Will.

XANDER: These people sure do like to throw their eyes around.

Tyrell -

Yes, ma'am.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) ...I do dress myself, why?

WILLOW: (as girl, giggles)

BUFFY: (as other girl, laughs and points)

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) What? Do Hawaiian shirts and khaki shorts not go with black dress shoes and white tube socks? Women!

Karla THWACKS him on the back of the head, but they're all having fun.

BUFFY: (smacks Spike) It's fun!

WILLOW: (hits Xander) Yay, good times!

SPIKE: (whacks Xander) That was... not too painful, I guess.

XANDER: (slaps Spike) You're right. It is fun.

WILLOW: (rubs her arm, glaring at Xander) Ow!

XANDER: What? What'd I do? I hit Spike.

WILLOW: And me!

XANDER: I'm sorry, Will, I didn't mean-

WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) You're gullible, Xander.

SPIKE/BUFFY: (laugh at Xander)

XANDER: Ha ha. Very funny.

The path widens. The trees part.

WILLOW: When did they get to Fairy Tale Land?

BUFFY: (as Glenda the Good Witch) Ohohoh, we love serial killers here. Close your eyes and make a wish.

It's even nicer up close. They walk across a tiled plaza.

Behind them, THREE YOUNG GUYS carry their GIRLFRIENDS piggyback,

racing each other toward the departure dock.

SPIKE: ...and we're caring... why?

BUFFY: They're showing people leaving, so we know the island's gonna be almost empty.

SPIKE: ...riiiiiight.

WILLOW: Ok, Dr. Evil.

Our two arriving couples move on toward the entrace, passing

XANDER: ...gas with every step they take, leaving behind them a trail of unconscious bodies.

a FENCED TENNIS COURT on the left. A GLASS-PANED ORCHID HOUSE straight ahead. And, on the right,

XANDER: ...was the run-down part of the island. Lawns overgrown by one inch, bushes and trees that hadn't been trimmed in days... the good part of the island shunned the bad part.

A LUSH POOL with a built-in JACUZZI in the shallow end. An outdoor THATCHED ROOF BAR stands nearby - and just beyonk it, a small POOL HOUSE.

WILLOW: (laughs hysterically) Beyonk...

SPIKE: (mutters) Look out, she's gonna blow.

A guy's unintelligible RASTA VOICE calls out -

Rasta Voice -

Anybudorsomethin'?

They turn to see TITUS, white guy, dreads, full-Rasta demeanor. He's a phony, but sincere about it.

XANDER: I'm not really a millionaire, I'm just pretending to be so that I can bilk you out of your money, but I'm sincere about it, so that makes it ok.

Titus approaches Tyrell -

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Ruuuuuuuuuuuun!

Titus -

My brother, can I interest you in the islands finest ganja?

Will - (teasing)

Hey, Tyrell, we found you brother.

Tyrell - (wry)

Not possible.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) My brother was kidnaped by aliens, and taken to their home planet to marry Chewbacca.

Titus - (undetered)

Who be wantin' the kind, the uber-sticky, the Bwana, The depth-charge, the Up-All-Night-Laughing-With-Your-Friends?

ALL: O_O

Who wants it? 'Cause Titus got it.

XANDER: Ooo, do you have Gonorrhea? I want that!

BUFFY: I want Syphilis!

WILLOW: Herpes! Ooo, Herpes! Over here!

SPIKE: O_O

Will -

No, thanks.

Titus -

Come on, man. Everybody wants something.

BUFFY: (as Julie) I want no more serial killers to come after me... you got anything for that?

Will and Tyrell walk on. Undetered, Titus goes up to Karla and Julie.

Titus - (cont'd)

How 'bout you, ladies? Lovely ladies.

Titus moves his hips.

ALL: Ew.

Titus - (cont'd) (lascivious)

Something I can do for you?

ALL: Stop moving your hips!

Karla looks him up and down, wrinkles her nose -

WILLOW: (as Karla) Like, go away, little man. You're not worthy of us.

Karla -

Take a bath, maybe.

WILLOW: ...or that.

Titus -

That's cold, but if that's how you want it.

The group moves on. Titus watches them go -

XANDER: (as Titus) Oh, baby, look at that ass. Shake it for me, baby. That's right, Tyrell, shake that ass!

Titus - (cont'd) (yelling after them)

Anybudorsomethin' you come and see me.

OMIT SCENE 21 & SCENE 22

BUFFY: Eh? What happened?

WILLOW: I'm not sure. I think they put in scenes and then took them out because they realized how horrible the movie was with them in.

XANDER: Couldn't be that. They'd have had to take out each and every scene if that's what they were doing.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY

Around TWENTY TO THIRTY GUESTS ARE ON THEIR WAY OUT as Julie and the others walk in.

SPIKE: The other guests must've gotten wind that Julie was on her way.

WILLOW: (as random guest) Shh, it's her. Act casual.

Julie smiles at an old PORTER helping the departing guests with their bags. He doesn't smile back.

WILLOW: ...he just does a little dance, then walks out.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

The hotel is tastefully appointed with island decor. AN ORNATE METAL STAIRCASE leads UP to the ROOMS - and DOWN (AS THE SIGN SAYS) TO A FITNESS CENTER.

In one direction, the foyer meets the entrance to a tropical

RESTAURANT/BAR. And in the other, A LOOBY LOUNGE is visible -

WILLOW: (giggles) I want a 'looby' lounge too!

surrounded by four walls of BOOKS and HOTEL MEMORABILIA.

In a dark corner of the room, a uniformed MAID named OLGA dusts off a massive WOODEN GLOBE.

Julie smiles at the woman on their way through the lobby, but Olga shyly looks away.

BUFFY: (as Olga) Tee hee hee.

Arriving at the FRONT DESK, the four of them find it deserted. They wait patiently, then impatiently.

ANGLE ON A DESK BELL

as Karla slaps it with her palm. The bell RINGS for a long time then fades into SILENCE.

Karla -

Hello? Hello?

BUFFY: Echo. Echo.

Julie -

Where is everyone? I'll ask -

XANDER: (as Julie) ...my talking toothpick. He's psychic!

Julie turns to consult the maid.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Excuse me, miss blue collar worker. You're beneath me, but, um, could I ask you a question?

ANGLE ON THE GLOBE

The big ball is spinning. But Olga is no longer in sight.

WILLOW: (sighs) This is getting harder and harder as we go.

BUFFY: I know. I thought it was just me, but then I looked past my own lameness to see you guys floundering as well.

SPIKE: Speak for yourself, Slayer. I'm doing just fine.

XANDER: No, you're really not. We're all sucking beyond the telling of it.

SPIKE: (sighs in defeat) It's this damn script. At least the other one had bad spelling, and missing punctuation, and terrible sentence structure to make fun of. This one just has...

WILLOW: The lameness that is the movie.

OTHERS: Yep.

BUFFY: Well, we'll just keep trying. Soldier on and all that crap.

OTHERS: (unenthusiastically) Yep.

Tyrell heads toward a DOOR beside the counter with a sign which reads:

PRIVATE OFFICE.

WILLOW: Which, of course, is the office for all the privates in the army that are stationed on Tower Bay Island. (sighs, not happy with her quip)

Tyrell -

I'll scare somebody

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) ...by showing them my enormous-

WILLOW: Whoa! Let's not immediately resort to yuck-humor... give it a few tries first. Then, if all else fails...

SPIKE: I was gonna say, 'enormous spork'. That's all.

OTHERS: Uh-huh.

up.

XANDER: How does one scare somebody up exactly? By walking around saying, 'boo', and hoping someone answers with a scream?

He grabs the knob and pulls the door open to...

RROWWWR?

BUFFY: Um... is it, or is it not, a rrowwwr?

SPIKE: Maybe Tyrell pulled the door open to make that sound.

XANDER: Or maybe it's a really hesitant dog.

WILLOW: Or, maybe we're just trying too hard.

A PIT BULL ON A CHAIN JUMPS UP INTO HIS FACE - its toothy maw snapping shut about a half inch from his nose.

XANDER: (disappointed) Damn. It missed.

Tyrell - (cont'd)

Whoa!

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ...check out the colors in this room! It's beautiful. Karla, let's do our room in this pretty lavender.

Julie and Karla laugh.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Hee hee, it's funny when boys almost get their noses bitten off by pit bulls... which are illegal to own in not enough places in the states because they're so dangerous.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Tee hee.

Karla goes to hit the bell once more - ONLY TO HAVE HER HAND GRABBED IN THE PROCESS.

Karla gasps. Pulls away. We see the hand belongs to the hotel manager- BROOKS, balding, 40s, talks slowly, and seems to have secrets he won't share with guests.

XANDER: (as Brooks) I have secrets I won't share with you, neener neener.

Brooks -

What can I do for you?

WILLOW: (as Karla) Well, let's see. I've been ringing the bell, I have luggage, I'm waiting in front of a hotel check-in desk... duh! I want you to sell me tickets to a concert!

Karla -

Checking in...Karla Wilson.

Will saunters away to look at the books in the lobby.

SPIKE: (as Will) Look, Julie! You can open these things, and they have words inside! Unbelievable, huh?

Brooks - (condescending)

Ah, yes. Roll out the red carpet. Our contest winners are here at

last.

ALL: Yay.

He scans a sheet as Tyrell stares at the pit bull.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) I could take you.

Tyrell -

Nice dog.

BUFFY: I'm sensing sarcasm.

WILLOW: Nah. Ya think?

SPIKE: (laughs) Not often, I'm sure.

BUFFY: Wow, Spike, you're just a big ole... steaming pile of funny.

Brooks -

Not really. I've found peices of guys like you in his stool.

XANDER: So, what, he paws through his dog's poop?

WILLOW: Doesn't everybody?

BUFFY: Celine Dion paws through her kid's diapers.

OTHERS: Ew.

Tyrell is put off by this aggressive comment.

BUFFY: Wonder why.

Tyrell -

What's your problem, buddy?

XANDER: (to Tyrell) No, no. His name is Brooks. Buddy is the goofy friend from Charles in Charge.

OTHERS: O_O

XANDER: Not that I'd know that for any reason whatsoever.

Brooks - (innocent)

I don't have a problem in the world.

Julie - (covering)

It sure is a beautiful old hotel.

Brooks - (proud)

BUFFY: (as Brooks, proudly) I'm wearing Pull-ups!

Built in 1948 for a member of the Rockefeller clan. The tile work was imported from Spain. A lot of history in these walls...Judy Garland stayed here...Hemmingway fished for marlin right off that dock -

Tyrell -

Okay, we get it...It's old.

Brooks -

It'll outlive you, I'm sure.

Creepy thing to say.

WILLOW: Why?

SPIKE: Got me.

Slides a registration form.

BUFFY: ...onto the floor and bends over to pick it up, making sure everyone sees his butt.

SPIKE: That was disturbing.

Brooks - (cont'd)

Wilson comma Karla... (sees something on the form) Oh -

XANDER: (as Brooks) ...I didn't realize you were studying to be a... clown. I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately.

WILLOW: (as Karla) But-

XANDER: (as Brooks) Security!

Karla -

Oh, what?

Brooks covers -

SPIKE: ...his head with a layer of peanut butter and lies on the floor in a sexy pose, giving Will and Tyrell a come-hither look.

BUFFY: And you call me disturbing?

Brooks -

You're in 201 and 202.

Karla - (expecting this)

Is that bad?

XANDER: (as Brooks) Not unless you consider having pot-bellied pigs as roommates a bad thing. We ran out of room in the pen, and had to put them somewhere. Mind your step.

Brooks - (lying)

Not at all. Those are our honeymoon suites.

Tyrell wraps his arms around Karla. Julie looks uncomfortably towards Will.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Oh, no, Will might see my tremendous back hair, and hear my vociferous snoring.

OTHERS: (laugh)

BUFFY: Ew.

Julie -

Your what?

WILLOW: (as Brooks) My blankie. I said you could borrow it for comfort if you want to. Just ignore the stains... even *I* don't know what all of them are.

XANDER: Are we trying to see who can be the grossest? 'Cause so far? I vote for Willow.

Brooks -

Honeymoon suites. I take it you kids haven't exchanged vows, yet?

Julie -

We haven't exchanged anything.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...well, except all those bodily fluids during last night's orgy.

XANDER: And it's a tie.

Karla -

Julie, we're talkin' suites! (excited) That'll be just fine with us.

Brooks -

And, while you're here, our marginally trained, off-season staff of five will attend to your every need.

BUFFY: (as Brooks) ...well, unless we're busy watching t.v. or something. Or, you know, reading, or eating. Just, um, call ahead first. Oh, and expect delays, and... oh, forget it. We won't do anything for you, you're on your own.

Karla -

Wait...Did you say off-season?

Brooks -

July fourth weekend. Storm season starts today. The clouds roll in like clockwork.

WILLOW: Oh, please. If there was a place where the weather was that predictable, weathermen the world over would be flocking there.

Julie -

Storm season?

BUFFY: (as Julie) I don't understand... what's a storm?

Brooks -

It's our version of winter. (hands over the keys) 201 and 202. There's Scrabble and Parcheesi in the lobby. Enjoy.

And Brooks turns away through the office door. They walk toward their rooms. Will catches up with them.

XANDER: (as Will) Hey, wait up, guys. You're not trying to ditch me, are you? 'Cause that'd be rude. I sure hope that's not what you're trying to do. You guys wouldn't do that to me, would you? You guys like me, don't you? Huh?

WILLOW: (as Julie) Tyrell, you hold him, Karla, you gag him. I get to gut him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY

They walk down the hallway. Karla seems annoyed.

SPIKE: (as Karla) I can't believe he wouldn't let me pet his toupee. I asked nicely!

Karla -

Ain't nothin' free in this world. Everybody says it, and it's true. (dissapointed)

WILLOW: (shakes her head) I'm 'disappointed' that the spell checker was once again not used.

I wanted you all to have a good trip.

SPIKE: What's she whining about now?

OTHERS: (shrug) I dunno.

Tyrell -

We will, baby...All this means is we got the whole island to ourselves.

BUFFY: Yeah, don't mind the hurricane force winds, and downpour... we've got the island to ourselves. Whoo! Yeah.

Will -

And it's been blue skies all day. It might be perfect all weekend.

XANDER: (as Julie) Shut up, Will.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Shut up, Will.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Shut up, Will.

WILLOW: (as Will, in a tiny voice) I feel very unloved right now.

OTHERS: Good!

Julie -

It beets being on the mainland.

SPIKE: (as Julie) It carrots it too.

Karla -

Oooh, the mainland -

ALL: ...?

Tyrell -

Somebody's gone tropical on us, baby. Tropical!

BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Yay... tropical... Bahamas... whoo.

XANDER: (bored tone) Rock on. Whoo.

WILLOW: Yay. (yawns) Bahamas.

SPIKE: I'm sensing a bit of boredom here.

OTHERS: Mmm.

The mood is improving. A SQUEEKING NOISE interupts.

WILLOW: Boredom, and look! Bad spelling to boot.

A BRASS LUGGAGE CART has appeared behind them.

BUFFY: (as Julie, gasps) It's magic!

And ESTES, 60s, the weary Haitian porter, steps from behind it.

Estes - (a Carribean accent)

201 and 202...Who put you in...?

XANDER: (as Estes) ...these crappy rooms?

(hesitant) Don't use these much -

Julie - (suspicious)

Why's that?

BUFFY: (as Estes) The pigs. They can be kind of messy. Smell a bit too.

He sees their happy, expectant faces and changes the subject.

Estes -

No real reason. (then) Pretty fancy rooms for kids your age.

Karla -

We won a competition.

XANDER: (as Karla) It was a pie-eating contest... I barfed after two.

Estes -

Oh, yeah? What you have to do?

XANDER: (as Karla) Eat pie, I just told you. Clean your ears, old man.

Tyrell -

Guess the capital of Brazil -

WILLOW: (as Karla) Ooo! Ooo! I know! I know! It's Rio, the coffee said so.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Not you, dummy, I was talking to Estes.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Oh. Oops. (then) Can I answer anyway?

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) No. Plus, you already did. Dummy.

Karla -

Rio, baby!

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) What'd I just say, damn it? Get away from me.

Estes -

Ahh, good for you, girl. (waiting for a cue)...And, where would you like me to put the bags?

SPIKE: (as Estes) ...of crap that you brought with you? And why did you?

A beat as Julie and Karla exchange a look.

WILLOW: ...of pure passion and dive at each other, kissing like the teenagers they are.

SPIKE: O_O

WILLOW: I can spend some time in sex driven land too, you know.

Then, Karla tosses one of the keys to Julie.

WILLOW: (as Karla) We get this room, Will and Ty can have that one.

Karla - (to Estes)

Their stuff in there...(grabbing Tyrell)...and ours in here.

Julie -

Karla! You promised.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...you'd share my bed, and my bed only. Slut.

BUFFY: (to Willow) And you're stuck there now?

WILLOW: I think I am. Help.

SPIKE: (snickers)

Karla - (looking at Tyrell)

I also promised Tyrell.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Slut.

Tyrell -

Promised me what, baby? (joking around) I made all my promises to William.

WILLOW: (looks at Spike) That true? (grins)

SPIKE: What? (then) Oh, that's real cute... Will.

WILLOW: (laughs) I thought so.

Tyrell makes fake goo-goo eyes at Will. Estes looks away.

BUFFY: (as Estes) You kids disgust me, leave my sight now.

Tyrell - (cont'd)

Sweetie, you brought your nightie, didn't you?

ALL: O_O

XANDER: (shudders) Gaah!

WILLOW: (shudders) Getting some really nasty visuals.

BUFFY: (shudders) Blech-y!

Will -

Forward! A girl needs time to make up his mind.

XANDER: There are so many things wrong with that sentence...

WILLOW: (frowns) I don't see any mistakes.

XANDER: I meant what was being said, not the way it was said.

(to Julie, thoughtful) Julie, look, if it's cool, I'll sleep on the couch and they can have their own room to practice for that real honeymoon.

But Tyrell grabs Karla and drags her into the room. We here GIGGLES.

WILLOW: Now *that* sentence is a different matter entirely.

Will -

I'll take those.

XANDER: ...those, what? Those Tickle Generators that are making Karla giggle?

BUFFY: How do you know it wasn't Ty giggling?

XANDER: Men do not giggle. Ever.

SPIKE: Damn straight.

Estes -

No, I've been doing this since before you were a dream in your father's eye.

WILLOW: (as Will) A dream in my father's eye? What do you mean? My father's eye doesn't dream. I'm confused.

Estes grabs the bags and takes them into the room. Julie and Will are left staring at each other.

BUFFY: (as Will) Ahem... nice shirt. Nice... stripes on it.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Thanks. Nice, um, shoes...

BUFFY: (as Will, looking down) They have brown-

WILLOW: (as Julie) Laces. I remember.

BUFFY: (as Will) ...

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...

Will -

You sure it's okay with you?

SPIKE: (as Will) ...if I practice my mime techniques for the big show on Friday?

Julie - (noting his sweetness)

Sure. It's fine. As long as you don't snore.

Will -

You can toss a shoe at me if it gets out of hand.

She laughs and they go into the room.

WILLOW: ...but secretly, she's already decided to toss shoes at him throughout the night. Whether he snores, or not.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Ray is hooked up to a heart monitor. Although he's asleep, we can tell he's bruised and generally beaten up.

XANDER: What, after diving down an embankment? Wimp.

WILLOW: He has delicate skin.

WE RACK to a DOCTOR checking on him through the glass.

ALL: ...okay.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

We see a COP next to the doctor.

Cop -

He's beaten up pretty bad -

XANDER: (as cop) ...but, he did resist arrest. I had to use my flashlight on him.

BUFFY: (as doctor) He was unconscious when you found him.

XANDER: (as cop) As I said, he resisted arrest. If I hadn't used my gun to beat him down, he would've killed me.

BUFFY: (as doctor) He was unconscious when you found him!

XANDER: (as cop) Exactly. Next time, hopefully, I won't have to use my nightstick on him.

BUFFY: (as doctor) ...

Doctor -

Yes, but he seemed certain his friend was killed out on the highway by somebody named Ben Willis. (hisitant)

WILLOW: Is that like a cross between 'hesitant' and 'histamine'?

BUFFY: Sure.

He said he has a hook on his hand. He said he was driving a BMW.

SPIKE: Says a lot of things for an unconscious man, doesn't he?

As the cop stares at him deadpan,

XANDER: (as cop) I think you need a taste of the ole nightstick, doctor.

BUFFY: (as doctor) Eep!

the doctor realizes how rediculous this must sound.

WILLOW: (as doctor) I'm so silly. Just ignore me. It's not like you should run a check on the boy, or the name I gave you. Duuh.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE UP: Ray's eyes pop open. He's listening.

SPIKE: ...to his Teletubbies CD, ignoring the doctors and nurses and cops trying to get information out of him.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

The cop explains things to the doctor.

XANDER: (as cop) You see, when a man and a woman love each other... or just wanna get it on, they-

BUFFY: Have sex, the end.

Cop -

There's no body. And there was no other vehical involved. (beat)

WILLOW: (as cop) ...me with a pencil, and a feather.

He fell asleep at the wheel...and ran his old truck into a guardrail. He got thrown way the hell down into a ditch.

He's damn lucky.

BUFFY: (as cop) Believe me, stuff like he's talking about never happens. It's like I was telling my deputy friend in Southport last summer... if only he'd listened to me.

XANDER: (as doctor) Why? What happened to him?

BUFFY: (as cop) Oh, some freak gutted him with a hook.

XANDER: (as doctor) ...

They walk back down the ICU.

Doctor - (nodding)

He suffered a severe head trauma -

WILLOW: (as doctor) But I suspect he was this stupid before the accident, so, no help there.

Cop -

Probably once he rests up, it'll all come back to him.

WILLOW: (as doctor) I tend to doubt that, since he's operating at a ten year old's capacity.

SPIKE: (as cop) Brain damage?

WILLOW: (as doctor) No, in fact, the accident raised his IQ, he's just a very stupid person.

The doctor and cop approach the nurse's station. The NURSE is reading a magazine. She folds it away.

BUFFY: (as cop, gasps) It's magic! She folded it and it disappeared.

Suddenly, the monitoring equpment goes OFF with a series of LOUD

WARNINGS.

XANDER: Warning! Warning! This movie sucks! Please move in an orderly fashion to the exits.

Nurse - (already moving)

XANDER: (laughs) Wasted no time leaving the movie, did she?

That's your number twelve -

BUFFY: (as nurse) Order number thirteen will be ready in a few minutes, please be seated.

The doctor, nurse, and country cop

XANDER: (as cop) Duhhhhhh-huhhhhh! What're all the pretty blinking lights and loud noises? Where am I?

hurry back toward Ray's room.

Nurse - (cont'd) (yelling)

Get me some help down here. We got a flatline, room twelve.

SPIKE: Ooo, listen to all that technical jargon. I completely believe this character.

XANDER: I smell an Emmy.

THEIR POV - THROUGHT THE DOOR

WILLOW: It'd be a lot less painful for them if they went 'through' the door, instead of 'throught' it.

The wires and monitors are unhooked and Ray is GONE.

ALL: Yay!

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

A resort bar on the beach. Ocean breezes and surf SOUNDS come through the window.

SPIKE: (yawn)

It's tiki galore, complete with a bamboo bar and fishing gear hanging from decorative nets from the ceiling. There's a KARAOKE STAGE in the corner.

ALL: (groan)

XANDER: I just know someone's going to use that to caterwaul.

Will and Tyrell enter and head straight to the bar. A bored bar

tender, NANCY, looks just like Jennifer Esposito, doesn't look up from her paperback.

BUFFY: That's because she's afraid people will realize that she *is* Jennifer Esposito.

Nancy -

You guys lost?

Tyrell - (re: the emptiness)

Tell me this ain't the bar scene.

WILLOW: (as Nancy) Looks like a bar... cameras are set up all over, lighting is everywhere... directors and crew members are just over there... but, you're right, this is this Mountain Scene.

XANDER: (as director) Cut!

Nancy -

Wanna drink?

Will -

We didn't get all dressed up for nothing.

XANDER: (as Will) Isn't pink just *so* his color?

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Oh, silly, you're making me blush.

Tyrell -

Planter's Punch, Singapore Sling, or how about a Mai-Tai?

Nancy - -

How about some ID?

They freeze.

BUFFY: (as director) Cut! Who let Mr. Freeze in here? Arnold... you've really gotta stop doing this.

Nancy - (cont'd)

Kidding.

They nod.

WILLOW: ...off, and start drooling on the bar. Ty mumbles something about Will wearing a frilly red nightie and dancing the Nutcracker.

Will -

The guy at the desk said the place would be quiet, not dead.

Nancy -

Didn't anyone tell you this is -

SPIKE: (as Nancy) ...a bar for vampires? Congratulations, you're dinner!

Tyrell -

The last day of the season. Yeah, we heard.

Will -

So why are you still here?

BUFFY: (as Nancy) Um, because it says so in the script. Nothing short of contractual obligations could keep me here.

Nancy -

That's none of your business.

Tyrell sizes her up quickly.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Size six dress, size ten shoes?

WILLOW: Them's some big feet.

Tyrell -

What's the matter, boy trouble?

Nancy -

Not anymore.

SPIKE: (as Nancy) I'm into women now.

Tyrell -

He leave you?

Nancy -

No. I shot him.

Will and Tyrell exchange a danger-Will-Robinson glance.

ALL: Whoo!

SPIKE: She's my new favorite character!

XANDER: Absolutely.

Nancy - (cont'd)

What you want is a Dark and Stormy: Vernon's rum, ginger beer, and a touch of Tabasco. Sailors drink it for luck in the hurricane season, trust me.

SPIKE: ... Riiiiiiight.

WILLOW: Are you turning into Dr. Evil or something?

SPIKE: (looks innocent) Who?

WILLOW: ... nothing.

ACROSS THE BAR

XANDER: The new hit song by Jimmy Buffett, Across The Bar, get it in stores today.

Karla and Julie walk in talking quietly to one another.

Julie -

Am I bad? I mean, he's really great, and he's cute -

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...but there's that whole age difference. He is sixty after all, and just a porter. And what kind of a name is 'Estes' anyway?

Karla -

He's cute...And he's got a crush on you... (off Julie's look) But...

WILLOW: (as Karla) ...you're right, he's too old, and has a funny name.

Julie - (appologetic)

WILLOW: She *should* be apologetic... she's a letter-ho.

I miss Ray...I tried to call him.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...names, but I couldn't think of any. (pause) You know, sometimes I think I'm stupid.

SPIKE: (as Karla, sympathetic) We all do.

Karla looks at her. She's sincere, but firm.

SPIKE: (as Karla) You *are* stupid, Julie.

Karla -

Ray made up his own mind...so, you're free to make up yours.

Joining the men, but continuing her thought -

BUFFY: (as Karla) ...If you want a sixty year old man, then have a sixty year old man.

Karla - (cont'd)

For the next foury-eight hours... (joking) Your smile is a frown...turned upside down.

She illustrates with her own big smile.

XANDER: (as Karla) See all my yellowed teeth? The broken ones? I want to see the same from you, Julie.

Tyrell -

Pretty cool bar.

Karla -

They all start to look the same once you've worked in one.

(to Nancy) Am I right, sister?

XANDER: Nancy's a nun?

Nancy reaches out a hand and they touch just the tips of their

fingers.

WILLOW: (as Mork) Nanu nanu.

Julie - (to Nancy)

I'm Julie. This is Karla.

BUFFY: (as Julie) She's... (air quotes) 'special'.

Nancy -

Nancy. (sarcastic) Welcome to Tower Bay's most happenin'

hotspot.

Nancy continues making their cocktails.

SPIKE: (as Nancy) Let's see... vodka, anti-freeze, a dash of grape juice, and a pickle.

OTHERS: Mmm.

JULIE

backs into something, turns and gasps -

XANDER: Why is she backing up? Does Nancy scare her?

it's a statue of an OLD WHALER, complete with HARPOON, WHITE BEARD, and YELLOW SLICKER.

BUFFY: (as whaler) Arrgh.

She doesn't let Karla see that it upset her.

XANDER: ...but, because of the copious amount of tears pouring down her face, and the snot running from her nose, Karla was able to guess.

Nancy puts their drinks down in front of them.

Nancy -

Four Dark and Stormies...

SPIKE: (as Nancy) ...pay no mind to the bubbling, or the toxic smell... it's nummy.

They all pick up their drinks.

WILLOW: ...and fall to the floor dead. The end.

Karla - (toasting)

To a great weekend -

XANDER: (as Karla) May we not get killed.

Will -

Yeah, a great weekend. Forget the weather!

Karla & Julie

I'll drink to that!

They drink and toast again.

Karla - (to Nancy)

So what do you do around here for fun?

WILLOW: (as Julie) I'll drink to that!

BUFFY: (as Karla) I'll drink to that!

Nancy looks straight at Will -

XANDER: ...then falls to the floor, dead. The end.

BUFFY: That never really works.

XANDER: Never hurts to try. Numerous times.

Nancy -

Make fun of tourists mainly. (beat) Or let them make fun of themselves...

SPIKE: Wait. Is she saying that Will's an idiot, and that he's gonna make a fool of himself?

XANDER: I think that's exactly what she's saying.

BUFFY: Unh-huh.

WILLOW: Yup.

SPIKE: Cool. She's still my new favorite character.

She flips a switch that lights the Karaoke stage.

WILLOW: (as Julie) My eyes! I'm blind! Ack!

OTHERS: YAY!

Karla -

Karaoke - perfect.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Bar - ugly. Phone - pretty. Julie - stupid.

Julie -

Don't even think about it.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Silly! I don't think.

Karla -

Okay, I won't.

BUFFY: (as Karla) See?

She's already heading for the stage.

Tyrell -

Go baby! Go!

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Leave! Just, get out! Me and Will wanna be alone. And take that fat, ugly, depressed girl with you.

AT THE STAGE

CLOSE ON the karaoke machine. Karla flips through a binder full of songs.

Karla -

Oh, this ain't for me, baby, this is for somebody who really needs it.

SPIKE: God forbid the actual singer of the group, and the only one with a decent voice, gets to sing. No, let's let the Perky Pest of Persia sing.

(finds one) Ah-hah! One single with extra cheese!

Nancy - (it's true)

ALL: Huh?

Everyone thinks their a singer.

Julie -

No way.

Karla -

Yes.

Julie -

No.

Karla -

Yes.

XANDER: (as Nancy) Oh, Christ... I'll settle this. (pulls out a gun and shoots them all)

SPIKE: Well done.

XANDER: I thought so.

Julie -

Not me...no way...

Will -

Come on, it'll be fun.

WILLOW: (as Will) We can humiliate you, and you can be all embarrassed and stuff. Come on, live a little!

Karla -

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for my friend, my very best friend, Julie James.

ALL: No.

But there will be no mercy.

ALL: ...

BUFFY: Who said that?

WILLOW: I think the transcriber did...

BUFFY: Oh. (pause) Why?

WILLOW: Scary thought... what if this is the actual writer's work?

ALL: ...

Karla, Tyrell, & Will - (chanting in unison)

Ju-lie! Ju-lie! Ju-lie!

Reluctantly she goes to the song book.

SPIKE: (scoffs) I'll bet.

She sees something particularily awful.

BUFFY: A mirror?

Julie -

You asked for it. (to Tyrell) Song number thirty-nine.

XANDER: Ty asked for song number thirty-nine? When?

Tyrell nods and punches a few buttons. Julie takes the stage as sappy strings begin to swell. She looks at the MONITOR, then

melodramatically at the crowd, and begins to sing - no, BELT - Gloria Gaynor's "I WILL SURVIVE."

WILLOW: Nooooooooooooooo!

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: I... don't like that song.

Julie - (cont'd) (singing)

BUFFY: If you can call it singing.

First I was afraid...I was petrified... (continues singing under)

XANDER: ...the stairs, because the others wouldn't let her sing around them anymore.

Will stands,

BUFFY: ...but tragically, he falls on his face, and breaks his neck. He dies instantly.

clapping. Tyrell pounds his chest.

XANDER: ...tragically, he pounds it too hard, and ends up busting open his chest. He dies instantly.

Karla flips up her LIGHTER, swaying like a hard-core fan.

WILLOW: ...but she tragically lights her hair on fire, and goes up in flames. She dies instantly.

SPIKE: The end!

And Julie continues, crooning out the chorus as the beat kicks in and the gang begins to dance.

Julie - (cont'd) (singing)

I will survive...I will survive...

SPIKE: Let's hope not.

ANGLE ON THE KARAOKE MONITOR

The schmaltzy lyrics keep scrolling by - white against black. But then...in the middle of the song...the color changes. RED CAPITAL\LETTERS BEGIN TO FILL THE SCREEN.

XANDER: (as Julie) Ahhhhhh! The red letters are gonna get me!

Julie - (cont'd) (singing - then trailing off) And I still know...what you did... last summer...

WILLOW: Those aren't the words. She's stupid.

BUFFY: Uh, Willow, that was rather... um...

SPIKE: Lame.

XANDER: But true.

WILLOW: (shrugs)

Her voice trails. Her smile abruptly fades.

MICROPHONE

falls to the floor. The room echoes with an electronic WHUMP. Everyone stops dancing, confused.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) What's a whump?

WILLOW: (as Karla) I don't know, I was gonna ask you.

CLOSE - JULIE

trembling, shaking, a mess.

SPIKE: ...on the floor at her feet... she's pissed her pants. And from the smell, she's done more than that.

OTHERS: Ew.

XANDER: Bad, Julie!

Will jumps onstage.

WILLOW: ...but tragically, he trips on his shoelaces, and goes flying through the air, taking Julie down with him. They crash into the wall, and lay there drooling on each other. Will is dead, Julie gasps out a few last words before dying as well.

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...shoelaces... (gasp) ...brown... (dies)

ALL: The end!

Will -

Julie? What's wrong?

XANDER: (as Julie) The words went bye-bye, I want them back. Make them come back, Will, make them come back!

Julie -

It's...him.

WILLOW: (as Julie) It's the Michelin tire man... he's here, he killed Barry, and Helen-and I'd mention Max, and Elsa, but nobody cared about them, so I'll leave them out as usual-now the Michelin guy wants to kill me too.

Will -

What do you mean, Julie?

WILLOW: (sighs, takes a deep breath) (as Julie) I mean, it's the Michelin tire man... he's here, he killed Barry, and Helen-and I'd mention Max, and Elsa, but nobody cared about them, so I'll leave them out as usual-now the Michelin guy wants to kill me too.

Julie -

He did something to the screen...it, it, said...

WILLOW: (as Julie) Oh, yeah, and he's scaring me with large red letters.

Julie loos at the screen -

ALL: Ew.

the normal lyrics are still scrolling. She suddenly feels their eyes upon her.

BUFFY: She feels the... lyric's eyes on her? ... huh.

They're looking at her like she's having a nervous breakdown.

BUFFY: ...so she does.

ALL: (clap) The end!

Julie - (cont'd)

Nothing. Nothing, I'm sorry...

BUFFY: Oh, yeah, that was smooth, now not only do they think she's crazy from the freak out, now they think she's crazy because she freaks out and then pretends nothing's wrong.

Stung,

XANDER: ...by the numerous bees that took a dislike to her singing...

she rushes off the stage.

BUFFY: ...and into the waiting arms of her new lover, the old whaler. She really digs harpoons, white beards, and yellow slickers.

Karla -

Julie...

But it's to late.

WILLOW: Oops... lost an 'o' there.

She's bolted from the bar.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JULIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

XANDER: (whining) Do we have to?

Julie steps into her room. Closes the door behind her. She falls back against it, trying to calm herself down.

Julie -

There's no way...just stop it right now...

She looks around the cozy room.

Julie - (cont'd)

Closet. Bed. Bathroom. No need to panic.

XANDER: Hey, I do that when I go into a room too. Yep, I sure do.

BUFFY: I believe you. Really.

Julie starts to undress,

SPIKE: I've said it before, and I'll say it again; are pictures too much to ask for?

BUFFY: Yes.

XANDER: I agree.

SPIKE: (to Xander) Pansy.

XANDER: I was agreeing with you, Fangless!

SPIKE: (shrugs) I stand by my statement.

get ready for bed, the day of travel finally catching up with her. She grabs something to sleep in. Tosses it on the bed. And that's when she sees it,

WILLOW: ...her clothes are *hideous*!

CLOSE - ENVELOPE

propped on the pillows. Her name written across. She is frozen

momentarily.

XANDER: (as director) Cut! Damn it, Arnold... go bother the people on the Scream set!

Almost against her will, she moves toward the envelope. She reaches down and picks it up.

She hesitates, then opens the envelope. She pulls out a SINGLE WHITE CARD.

ALL: (scream)

ANGLE ON THE CARD

In bold print it reads: SURPRISE!

ALL: (scream)

DARKFIGURE

ALL: (scream)

WILLOW: (screams)

OTHERS: ...?

WILLOW: Spelling errors scare me.

appears over Julie's shoulder. Julie can feel the presence. She spins, scaring -

ALL: (scream)

SPIKE: Ok, this is getting old. We can seriously beat a joke into the ground, can't we?

OTHERS: Yep!

WILL

who YELLS and drops the flowers and champagne he was holding. The

bottle bursts and covers them with

XANDER: ...toothpaste. They sued the champagne company, won a trillion dollars and retired to the country where Ben could never get to them. The end.

spray.

Julie - (realizing)

Oh, Will! I'm sorry.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...your little bottle exploded.

Will -

It's my fault. I shouldn't have...I didn't think...

SPIKE: (as Will) ...your clothes would be that hideous. I got frightened.

She grabs a TOWEL off the bathroom door, trying to help him clean up the mess.

Julie -

No, no, no. This was really sweet...

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...of you to spill alcohol all over me. And don't you worry about the broken glass. We've got maid service.

Will -

I scared you - I crossed the line -

SPIKE: (as Will) ...by stalking you, and it was wrong.

Julie -

No - it's not that. It's...I'm just a little on edge. I'm really sorry.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...but, could you turn your head that way? Your breath really stinks.

Will -

Hey, you don't have to appologize to me. I'm the one. I understand. (covering the awkwardness) I'm going to take a walk and dry off.

SPIKE: (as Will) ...maybe gargle a little.

Julie -

Are you sure? I really appreciate it.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...'cause, wow, I've never smelled such rank breath. Might wanna tic tac or ten.

He picks up a rose. Most of its petals on the floor.

SPIKE: He chews on the petals, hoping to mask some of the smell.

Will -

I just really like you and I want you to feel good about everything...You know? I want you to be happy.

SPIKE: (as Will) Well... I'm off to brush. Wish me luck!

SPIKE: (as Julie) Good luck!

He hands the rose to her. There's a moment between them. He

reluctantly heads for the door.

ALL: (stare at Spike)

SPIKE: Now what?

XANDER: That was... interesting.

BUFFY: Scary, is more like it.

WILLOW: Definitely weird.

SPIKE: I told you, if I start holding up fish and using them to talk for me, then you can complain, otherwise, leave my mocking alone.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Will looks down at his wet pants.

SPIKE: (laughs) Little premature excitement there, Will?

WILLOW: Ew.

BUFFY: Gross.

XANDER: And the winner is...

Will - (soto)

Dork.

WILLOW: Yep.

BUFFY: Uh-huh.

XANDER: Yup.

SPIKE: Oh, yeah.

Passing Karla and Tyrell's room on his way down the hall, Will spots the DO NOT DISTURB SIGN.

He hears an INCREDIBLE POUNDING from inside. He shakes his head and mopes down the hall.

BUFFY: (as Will, sighs) They have all the fun. The even get to hammer on things. Wish I could do that... (sigh)

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Karla bounces playfully on their big bed as Tyrell crosses toward the windows.

XANDER: ...looking for a possible escape route.

Karla -

Tha's it.

WILLOW: (snorts with laughter)

(bounce) I've decided. (bounce) I'm changing my major to finance. (bounce) And going to Wall Street.

BUFFY: She think she's Tigger?

Tyrell -

Why?

Karla -

'Cause that's the only way I'm ever gonna be able to afford a big bed like this.

XANDER: Isn't that why everyone goes into finance? For the beds?

WILLOW: Absolutely.

She falls back against the plush comforter, looking up at herself in a long MIRROR HANGING RIGHT OVER THE BED.

SPIKE: (snorts) Wonder who's gonna die from that mirror.

Tyrell loves this and quickly moves beside her in the bed. She lets him get real close, then she jumps up -

XANDER: She's just a little tease, isn't she?

Karla - (cont'd)

Jacuzzi.

WILLOW: Bless you.

Tyrell reaches for her, but she bounces off the bed.

SPIKE: Definitely a tease.

Tyrell -

Ah, baby, let's stay right here.

Karla pulls her suit out of a bag and models it seductively and

flirtatiously for Tyrell.

Karla -

I spent a hundred bucks on it...even if it's just so you can pull it off.

BUFFY: She must make a lot in that club.

Tyrell gets off the bed -

Tyrell -

I like the sound of this.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL DOCKS - NIGHT

Derrick, the dockhand, whistles in the darkness as he coils the bow rope of a service boat around a cleat on the dock.

BUFFY: ...Ok.

Ominous shadows play all along the dock. Out on the water there's a big SPLASH.

XANDER: Darryl Hannah, noooooo!

The dockhand rises, looking out at the water with a sigh.

WILLOW: (as Derrick) Another suicide? That's the third one this month. The bodies are starting to stack up.

Derrick -

Damn. I should've brought my pole.

WILLOW: (as Derrick) Could've fished for bodies.

He turns away. As he does, we see

BUFFY: ...Julie.

OTHERS: Ahhhhh!

THE END OF THE DOCK

SPIKE: ... the end of the dock? Wow, that's scary.

where a sinister SLICKER FIGURE stands perfectly still, silhouetted by moonlight.

BUFFY: Ooo, pretty!

Derrick paces down the dock the other way past a handfull of other tied-off staff

XANDER: I knew there was something screwy with this place.

WILLOW: (as Derrick) I am Derrick the Dockhand, keeper of ropes, and tier-upper of staff... fear me.

SPIKE: (laughs) Yeah, love, I'm absolutely trembling in fear of you right now.

WILLOW: (grins happily) I'm bad.

and service boats.

He picks up a hose and begins spraying down the hull of a Sunfish

sailboat.

He turns the hose off and begins coiling it, backing toward an

EQUIPMENT SHACK. Suddenly, a HAND touches him on the back. He jumps and turns to see -

TITUS

XANDER: ...doing squats.

BUFFY: (as Derrick) My eyes! My eyes!

standing there smoking a spliff.

ALL: ...

WILLOW: You mean a joint?

BUFFY: A roach?

XANDER: Marijuana?

SPIKE: (shakes his head in mock sadness) Kids, you shouldn't know about things like that.

OTHERS: (scoff) Yeah, right.

Derrick -

Get lost, you scared me.

Titus -

Fish are all over the water...Come on, let us take a boat out.

SPIKE: Is he pretending to be Rastafarian, or seventeenth century Puritan?

Derrick -

Titus, you're so stoned, you'd end up in Spain.

XANDER: And where's the problem with that?

Titus -

That's why you'll come with Titus, mon.

Derrick throws the hose in its place.

WILLOW: Derrick; puts hoses in their places, but when it comes to people, he's as spineless as the hoses he disses.

XANDER: (as Derrick, whimpering) Titus, don't hurt me, man. Please don't beat me with your dreadlocks again. I promise I'll pay you for letting me live another day.

WILLOW: (as Titus) Damn straight... mon.

Derrick -

There's a storm comin', Titus. No boats are going out.

Titus -

Storm is what makes it interesting. Thass why all the fish are up. Less hook us a couple big ones.

SPIKE: (laughs) Way too easy.

Derrick is now ignoring Titus.

BUFFY: (as Derrick) I am now ignoring you, Titus.

Derrick -

I got work to do. Take the bake elsewhere.

WILLOW: Ooo! Brownies!

SPIKE: (snorts) Yeah, that's what he was talking about.

WILLOW: (rolls her eyes)

Titus -

Up-tighteous and self-righteous.

Titus glides away into the dark. Derrick watches him go. There's

another SPLASH in the water near the dock.

XANDER: ...as another audience member dives head first into the ocean rather than watch another minute of this movie.

BUFFY: Amazing that the editor forgot to edit those parts out...

Derrick walks to where the splash was. He kneels down by the edge -

watching BUBBLES RISE from the dark water below.

XANDER: (as Derrick) Whew! Those fish really can stink up a place. Ever heard of Beano?

Derrick - (to the fish)

Hello, little sea bass. You're lucky I'm busy or I'd hook you

WILLOW: (as Derrick) ...on Phonics!

BUFFY: (as Ray) Worked for me!

myself.

WE PUSH IN AS HIS FACE GETS CLOSER TO THE WATER -

AND THEN - RISING SLOWLY FROM THE DARK WATER DIRECTLY BEHIND THE

DOCKHAND - A SINISTER SLICKER.

SPIKE: Can a slicker really be all that sinister?

XANDER: No, but yelling can be extremely annoying... got that, Transcriber? Hint, hint-

WILLOW: Nudge, nudge-

BUFFY: Wink, wink-

SPIKE: Say no more, say no more.

ALL: O_O (then) Huh.

Derrick hears A SPLASH - and just in time for...

SPLAT! THE OLD HOOK IN THE EYE.

BUFFY: He fell for the ole 'hook in the eye' joke... gets 'em every time.

THE FISHERMAN PULLS HIM DOWN.

WILLOW: (as killer, effeminately) Do you see the mess you made? Do you see this? Clean this place up! No wonder we never have company anymore... I don't know why I stay with you. You're mean, and messy, and you don't care about me, or my needs. I have feelings too, you know.

HE SCREAMS - BEN YANKS ON THE HOOK - AND DERRICK'S CRUMPLED BODY FALLS INTO THE WATER.

WILLOW: (as killer) Maybe now you won't forget to pick up your dirty towels, or take out the trash occasionally.

ANGLE ON THE WATER

XANDER: What's Angel doing on the water?

BUFFY: Read it again.

XANDER: (re-reads) Oh. (trying to cover his embarrassment) Check out the angle on that baby!

as poor Derrick's BLOOD MIXES WITH BUBBLES...

BUFFY: Just because Derrick was a dockhand doesn't mean he was poor.

CUT TO:

EXT. POOL/JACUZZI - NIGHT

Bubbles of a different kind.

ALL: Ewwwww!

The JACUZZI sits in an enclosure at the shallow end of the SWIMMING POOL.

WILLOW: Aww... run little, Jacuzzi, go free!

And enjoying its warmth, Karla and Tyrell are liplocked in the

churning tub. MUSIC plays on the boombox beside them.

WILLOW: (as Karla, sighs) Isn't this romantic, Ty? The water, the moonlight, the music...

SPIKE: (as radio, singing) Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

OTHERS: (laugh)

The tempurature rises and Ty's hands begin to wander. Still clad in her cute bikini, Karla pulls away -

BUFFY: ...a large piece of Ty's skin when he gets too close.

XANDER: (as Karla) Silly! Trying to touch me... I'm a goddess, and you're not worthy.

Karla -

You sure you didn't pick up my hair tie?

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) I absolutely did not pick up your hair tie.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Good.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) I ate it.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, ok- what?

Tyrell - (rubbing his bald head)

Hello?

XANDER: That's how he contacts the mother ship.

Karla -

Okay, I just didn't wanna get my hair wet.

WILLOW: (as Karla) 'Cause I'm really ugly when I'm wet...

SPIKE: Prude.

WILLOW: Pervert.

XANDER: (confused) What was that about?

SPIKE/WILLOW: Habit.

Tyrell -

Baby, I finally got you alone in this Jacuzzi and I don't wanna be discussin' hair care.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) I wanna be discussin' Sesame Street! Did you see Grover yesterday? So cute!

She splashes him.

Karla -

Don't you get feisty...

Tyrell moves in for the kill. He won't take no for an answer.

Tyrell -

Too late for that. We're miles from anywhere, baby. No one's gonna hear you scream.

WILLOW: (as Karla) You will... I can pierce eardrums with these vocal cords, baby.

He goes in for a serious kiss. Things start to heat up -

Karla -

I used to be a lifeguard...I'd hate to have to blow my whistle.

Tyrell - (playful)

I'd hate for you to have to blow...your whistle.

BUFFY: Gosh, Willow, I don't think he was going to say whistle.

WILLOW: I think you're right, Buffy. Witness the subtlety with which he speaks of oral sex. I am in awe.

BUFFY: As am I.

Tyrell is done talking. He pulls her over to him and the moment

becomes more passionate.

Karla opens her eyes in time to see -

XANDER: ...clowns silently making their way around to the Jacuzzi with balloon shapes and silly string. (shudders)

SPIKE: (to Xander) You're pathetic.

XANDER: (rolls his eyes, to Spike) And you are in no way pathetic.

TITUS

XANDER: Ack! That's almost as bad.

surface in the pool next to them.

Karla SCREAMS. And not just because it was a surprise. Titus looks even uglier when he's wet.

ALL: ...

BUFFY: Well okay.

WILLOW: Hey, they used my 'ugly when wet' thing.

Titus opens his mouth, reveals a smoking PHILLY BLUNT on the end of his tounge.

Titus -

No water sports after midnight. Hotel policy.

Titus eyes Karla in the Jacuzzi. Tyrell moves protectively in front of her.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Hey, stop eyeing my girl! You're supposed to be eyeing me, silly!

Tyrell -

What's the policy on burnin' herb?

BUFFY: (as Titus) Beware the Rosemary, it's got a hell of a kick.

Titus -

We got one for that, too. It's don't try until you buy. (beat) You don't buy any, you don't get any.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Um, what about all the smoke you're blowing in my direction? Do I have to pay for that, 'cause I'm getting buzzed.

Titus blows a cloud of smoke on them both, rolls the joint back into his mouth, and swims off. Tyrell is angry, but Karla pulls him back.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Relax, Ty, I'm high now, let's have sex!

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) No, I'm not in the mood anymore.

A dejected Will appears in his bathing suit, a towel over his arm. Tyrell sees him coming.

WILLOW: ...and runs screaming from the Jacuzzi. (As Tyrell) Every man for himself!

Tyrell -

There's ten people on this whole island and they're all gonna end up in this Jacuzzi with us.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Orgy! (as herself) I think I'm still stuck.

Will - (getting in)

How's the water?

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Wet, and drippy.

Tyrell -

Crowded.

Karla -

Ty!

BUFFY: (as Karla) Don't be rude! He's our pathetic, bland friend who whines a lot, we should be supportive.

Will slips into the water ignoring Tyrell's look.

Will -

Ahh, that feels great.

XANDER: (as Will) Mind if I take off my swim trunks? Thanks... ahhh. Nothing like lettin' it all hang out- Ty, where're you going? Come back...

Karla - (considerate)

How's Julie?

BUFFY: (as Karla) ...doing after your little impromptu bottle breaking ceremony?

Will -

Alone. In the room. (to Karla) Got any advise?

WILLOW: (as Karla) Yeah, learn to spell, then go back to her room and put her out of her misery.

Tyrell - (annoyed)

Yeah. Find another Jacuzzi.

Karla shoots Tyrell a look.

BUFFY: ...impaling him with her laser eyes.

XANDER: Ooo, I want some of those.

Karla - (to Will)

Your not out yet, slugger. You gotta just get back up there and keep swingin'.

SPIKE: What's with all the sports metaphors?

XANDER: I bet the writer is British. Probably thinks, hey, just stick in a few sports references, and it's American.

SPIKE: You're a bloody idiot, Harris.

XANDER: (snickers) American writers do it when writing British characters... why not the other way around?

SPIKE: ...

CUT TO:

EXT. JULIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ray is at a telephone booth up the street from Julie's apartment.

BUFFY: Didn't happen in the movie.

SPIKE: Not caring.

He looks exausted.

WILLOW: Is that worse than being exhausted?

SPIKE: (to Willow) Apparently, it is... in your mind.

Blood seeps through his shirt. He's in pain.

XANDER: (as Ray) I'm in pain.

Ray -

I need an international operator.

XANDER: (as Ray) 'Cause I'm in pain.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

In the empty night lobby, behind the desk

THE TELEPHONE

BUFFY: ...makes out with the lamp. The answering machine, in a jealous rage, knocks the lamp and phone to the floor. The lamp dies instantly, but the phone is seriously injured. The answering machine slowly stalks over to the edge of the desk, peering down at his injured lover, hate in his eyes.

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: Interesting.

XANDER: Cute.

SPIKE: Sucked. Just like the other ones.

XANDER/WILLOW: ...

BUFFY: (shrugs) I have my own story fun.

RINGS and RINGS. We push in on the phone RINGING unanswered in the night. Nobody is around to answer it.

SPIKE: ...because they're all in the Jacuzzi for the orgy.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JULIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

The DOOR CREAKS OPEN once again to her room.

BUFFY: Again? When did it happen before?

WILLOW: Um... (shrugs)

BUFFY: Must not have been very interesting.

And from a STRANGER'S POV- WE SLOWLY CREEP INSIDE.

XANDER: Tee hee... I feel like a voyeur.

A CLOUD OF STEAM billows from the open BATHROOM. THE SOUND OF A SHOWER is heard. We MOVE TOWARD IT.

INT. SHOWER

Eyes closed, Julie stands with her face right under the showerhead, trying to relax. Something softly goes THUMP.

SPIKE: Will's body falls to the floor after seeing her naked. (as Will) You're hideous!

Julie opens her eyes. Turns off the shower. Stands there, frozen, listening.

Julie - (calling out)

Will...?

WILLOW: (as Julie) ... what does 'hideous' mean?

No reply.

AT THE BATHROOM DOORWAY

In a robe with a towel on her head, Julie peeks into her room. Nobody there. She sighs, and crosses

BUFFY: ...herself, afraid of rabid bunnies sneaking into the room.

back to the bathroom sink.

AT THE SINK

Julie looks to a spot where her toothbrush should be. She frowns.

Looks around. Some of her things are missing. She peers into the

fogged-up bathroom mirror.

XANDER: (as Julie) Are you in there, toothbrush?

She whips the TOWEL off her head and WIPES IT ACROSS THE MIRROR,

MAKING THE BEDROOM BEHIND HER VISIBLE.

ALL: (yawn)

Ready to spit,

SPIKE: Guess that answers the eternal question.

WILLOW: Dare I ask?

SPIKE: If Julie spits or swallows.

WILLOW: (groans) Next time I don't ask.

she looks down. AND IN THAT INSTANT - WE SEE A SHADOWY FIGURE PASS BEHIND HER IN THE BEDROOM. She looks back up...and HE'S GONE. Julie turns on the water to rinse.

SPIKE: ...the taste of-

WILLOW: Guess what, Spike?

SPIKE: (sighs) Prude.

WILLOW: Pervert.

ANGLE ON THE BEDROOM DOOR

as it SLOWLY CREAKS SHUT, the SOUND DROWNED OUT by the SINK.

INT. BATHROOM

Julie turns off the water - and KLUNK-KLUNK - and NOISE at her door. The sound STOPS.

ALL: What?

XANDER: That made no sense.

BUFFY: And you're shocked why?

XANDER: Oh, right.

INT. JULIE'S BEDROOM

She steps out of the bathroom, crossing toward the door.

WILLOW: ...tragically, Will chooses that exact moment to come into the room, and smacks her in the face with the door. She dies instantly.

Julie -

Will?

No answer. She peers through the PEEPHOLE.

BUFFY: ...and tragically, Will is shooting at the killer at that moment. The bullet veers off and goes straight through the peephole, and into Julie's eye. She dies instantly.

Julie - (cont'd)

Is that you?

She unlocks and opens it. Nobody there.

Julie quickly closes the door and relocks it, her heart rate just

begining to rise again as...

XANDER: ...tragically, she has a heart attack. She dies instantly.

KLUNK-KLUNK. She hears it again. Then, the sound STOPS. But standing at the door - she realizes that's not where it came from. Her eyes immediately go to...

THE CLOSET

SPIKE: ...tragically, a vampire jumps out and drains her. She dies slowly, and with a lot of pain.

XANDER: Winner!

WILLOW: Winner!

BUFFY: Winner!

Damn. That's where it came from. She slowy pads across the room in her slippers toward the door. Trembling...she reaches for the handle...AND TUGS IT OPEN!

There's NOTHING. She stares a beat. DRIP DRIP DRIP.

BUFFY: (happily) Helen's in there? Yay!

WILLOW: Uh, Buffy...?

BUFFY: (sighs) I know. Helen's dead, and she's not coming back.

She sees something on the floor of the closet. She touches a finger to it.

XANDER: (as Julie) Tastes like chicken.

IT'S BLOOD.

XANDER: As I said.

SPIKE: Not even close.

She looks up.

THE DOCKHAND

comes dropping down at her, dangling, enmeshed in barbed wire. He's dying before our eyes. Blood bubbling from his mouth.

WILLOW: (as Julie) I don't care if you are dying, using a napkin is still common courtesy.

His body twitching.

Julie stares at the body. She's almost catatonic. She blinks. She

blinks again.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ... I am not cleaning up this mess!

Suddenly, in DEATH CONVULSIONS, his arms fly toward her -

XANDER: His arms detached from his body!

BUFFY: That'd make a long distance relationship easier on a couple.

OTHERS: Eww.

She SCREAMS -

CUT TO:

EXT. POOL - JACUZZI - NIGHT

Karla and Tyrell are drying off beside Will as their hysterical friend comes racing across the pool plaza.

Julie -

It's happening again! There's a body!

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...under my clothes! I'm scared.

BUFFY: (as Karla) It's ok, Julie, everyone has a body under their clothes. See, look at- well, Will's a bad example, but look at me, and Ty.

SPIKE: (eyes Willow) I don't believe you... show us.

BUFFY: (smacks Spike) Don't be a pig.

WILLOW: (smacks Spike) Pervert.

SPIKE: Prude.

Will cathes her in his arms and she sobs uncontrollably.

Will -

What? What are you talking about? Where?

Julie -

It's in my room!

XANDER: (as Julie) And he's bleeding all over my floor. I am not cleaning that up.

They can see she's not fooling around.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Don't worry... we'll clean it up. Calm down.

BACK TO:

INT. HOTEL - JULIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone is gathered in the center of Julie's room. Julie is held

tight by Will. Brooks, the hotel manager, conducts the investigation.

SPIKE: (as Brooks) ...so, in conclusion, Julie did it, in the library, with the candlestick.

XANDER: (as Julie) Damn, foiled again.

Brooks approaches the closet door. Julie holds her breath.

XANDER: ...tragically, she forgets to take another breath and passes out, falling to the floor and hitting her head on a table leg. She dies instantly.

He throws it open. A long beat.

Brooks -

I don't find this at all funny.

WILLOW: (as Julie, laughs) I do. Tee hee.

Julie steps in - stares into the empty closet. She can't believe her eyes.

XANDER: (as Julie) Who put this hideously frilly pink and orange skirt in here? Huh? Who?

SPIKE: (snickers) Hey, Slayer, that sounds a lot like one of your-

BUFFY: How about you not finish that sentence, and I let you live?

WILLOW: (giggles) He's right, Buffy. It's hideous. Even I wouldn't wear it.

SPIKE: And that's saying a lot.

WILLOW: Hey, leave my clothes out of this.

BUFFY: Why? You're all dissing my clothes.


	4. I Still Know (part 4)

**Title:** _I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer_ an MST of _I Still Know What You Did Last Summer  
_**Author:** sinecure  
**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.  
**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_I Still know What You Did Last Summer_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.  
**A/N:** I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

Buffy stood up, stretching her legs and arms. "Time for another break, I think." She yawned widely, covering her mouth with her hand. "All this doing nothing is getting tiring."

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "I could use some exercise... I can't believe I just said that." Shaking his head, he dropped to the couch with a sigh. "I'll exercise when we're done with this horrific movie."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right." He left the room, turning toward the bedrooms.

Willow went into the hall, opening the door to stare outside again. A soft breeze had cropped up again, blowing her hair softly. The warmth from the sun felt heavenly against her face and arms. She sat on the floor, leaning back against the doorjamb and closing her eyes. After a few minutes, she drifted off to sleep.

Buffy and Xander stared at the wall in front of the couch, bored out of their minds. Xander sighed for the tenth time in as many minutes. "Wish we had a TV or some games to play... something to relieve the boredom."

Buffy yawned again, tired from her up-all-night vigil. She hadn't trusted Spike before they were trapped in this place, when she had control of the situation, but now... she was in charge of nothing, and that bothered her more than she'd ever let on. So, she'd taken a seat on the floor in the hall, and waited. Nothing ever happened, and she'd gotten a few minutes' sleep every once in a while, but the rest of the night had been spent in boredom, and wakefulness.

"Oh, hey, check it out," Xander exclaimed. He nodded toward the table in front of them, and grinned. "Games galore. I could get used to this."

"Well, don't," Buffy warned him. "As soon as we can figure out where here is, and how we get out, we're gone." She toed a deck of cards. "But, while we're here, and Willow's asleep, and Spike's off doing whatever he's doing, it won't hurt to play a few games of poker or something."

Xander clapped his hands together eagerly. "Prepare to lose your shirt. Figuratively speaking, of course."

Two hours later, Buffy was broke, and Xander was grinning with the elation of winning. They'd played for fake money at first, but after a while, Xander had asked for real money to play with... and it appeared in front of them. She'd lost over two thousand dollars to him, and gained back a bit. Probably could've gained back all of it, but not before she grew tired of the game, and decided to quit.

Standing up, ignoring Xander as he counted his winnings, she moved toward the hall to wake up Willow. Time to get back to the wonderful movie. She stopped just inside the doorway, glancing curiously down the hallway, wondering what Spike was doing. She didn't have long to wonder. Her eyes widened and anger poured through when she saw him leaning against the wall, staring at Willow.

Casting him a furious look, she knelt beside her friend and shook her awake. "Come on, Will, we need to finish this thing and get out of here." Her eyes never left Spike as she helped Willow to her feet and back into the other room. She sat Willow on the couch. "Be right back, I'm gonna go get Spike."

She smiled at Willow and Xander, then turned around, her fury extremely noticeable to the vampire she was stalking toward. He grinned, lighting a cigarette as she approached. "Slayer," he greeted, his voice filled with contempt.

She didn't bother speaking, didn't bother trying to hide her anger. She shoved him against the wall, her hand on his neck. He didn't breathe, so it didn't bother him, but she was getting her point across. "Stay away from her."

"Who?" he asked innocently, shoving her away from him.

She shook her head, glaring at him. "I mean it, Spike. You even think of hurting her, I'll take great pleasure in torturing you."

He chuckled, annoying her to no end. "Hey, Buffy?"

She frowned, not liking him using her name. It was definitely a first... well, except for when they were engaged, which was something she never wanted to think about again. "What... William?"

His grin widened, and he stepped past her. "Wish it'd never happened," he said lightly, disappearing down the hall and into the front room with the others.

She stared after him, wondering what the hell he was on about now. "Wish what had never happened?" she muttered, confused. Shrugging, she followed after him. Spike was something she'd never figure out, and frankly, never wanted to. Not sparing a thought as to why she was standing in the hall, having just had a conversation with Spike that she didn't remember, she joined the others. "You awake now, Willow?"

"Mm-hmm," Willow answered, fighting a yawn. "Let's get to it."

They all headed to the kitchen for refreshments, before slowly, sitting in their chairs, and picking up the script.

* * *

-She searches their faces, looking for someone to believe her.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Please, guys, you have to believe me, I saw giant killer lizards. I really did.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) That's it, no more Godzilla movies for you.

-Julie -

There was a body! I swear it!

Will - (delicately)

Julie, you said you were tired. Waybe you were dreaming.

WILLOW: (laughs, pointing)

BUFFY: Will turned into Bahba Wahwa.

WILLOW: (just keeps laughing)

-Julie - (sharp)

I wasn't dreaming.

XANDER: (as Will) Ow! She cut me!

-Brooks -

I knew you people were goining to be trouble.

WILLOW: (laughs even harder)

SPIKE: (raises his eyebrow at her)

-I knew from the first time I laid eyes on you.

Julie grabs Brooks by his robe.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Kiss me, baby, I really dig older men.

-Julie -

Listen to me. He's here.

Brooks -

Who? Who is here?

XANDER: (as Julie) Exactly.

BUFFY: (as Brooks) Exactly what? Who's here?

XANDER: (as Julie) That's what I said.

SPIKE: Okay, we don't need Abbott and Costello again.

XANDER: Excuse me, I was doing Dean and Martin.

BUFFY: I was doing Abbott and Costello.

SPIKE: Whoever you were doing, stop it.

-She doesn't know where to start. Nancy pokes her head around the door.

WILLOW: (as Nancy) Peek-a-boo!

-Nancy -

What's going on?

WILLOW: (as Karla) Julie's being all attention-grabbing again... you know, the me-me-me thing. (shrugs) The usual.

-Tyrell -

Julie thinks there's a dead guy in the closet.

WILLOW: (as Karla) See? Me-me-me.

-Nancy -

Cool.

SPIKE: I still like her.

-Tyrell -

The rest of us see bathrobes.

BUFFY: (as Will) Bathrobes, bodies... same difference.

-Julie - (sharp)

I am not crazy, Tyrell. He was right there.

WILLOW: (as Julie) He was doing shadow puppets on the wall, and doing goofy voices... it was terrifying.

-Tyrell - (not taking it seriously)

Fine. Show me the body.

XANDER: Show me the money! (to the others) You had to see that coming.

OTHERS: Oh, yeah.

-Will wanders over to the closet and checks it out.

SPIKE: (as Will) Ew, that is the nastiest skirt I've ever seen... Julie how could you buy something like that? You're sick! I'm dumping you.

WILLOW: (as Julie) But, we're not even going out!

SPIKE: (as Will) Nor will we.

-Karla -

Think about this, Julie. What did you actually see?

Julie -

The dockhand guy. Hanging by his neck from up there.

Brooks - (case closed)

BUFFY: Case closed? How'd they get case closed from that?

WILLOW: Must not like Derrick very much.

-In the morning we'll talk to Derrick, the "dockhand guy," and put the whole thing to rest. (looks to Nancy) Now, let's slow down on the Dark and Stormies and get some sleep.

Nancy -

Don't look at me -

XANDER: (as Julie, offended) Sorry.

BUFFY: (as Nancy) Well, you're hideous. I don't want to have to look at you.

-Julie -

I want off this island.

Brooks - (tired)

Not possible, I'm afraid. The last ferry left hours ago. And we got a storm coming. There won't be another one for days.

WILLOW: Won't be another storm for days? But he just said-

SPIKE: Won't be another ferry coming due to the storm.

WILLOW: That's not what it says though.

SPIKE: You really like to nitpick, don't you?

WILLOW: Gives my life meaning. (grins)

-Tyrell -

There's a storm coming?

SPIKE: Didn't we just settle this?

WILLOW: See, Ty's confused too.

-Brooks -

'Tis the season,

XANDER: (as Brooks, singing) ...to be killed, fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

-like I told you. It's a big one.

BUFFY: A big season?

SPIKE: (sighs) And the Literal Award goes to...

-Julie goes for the phone.

XANDER: (as Julie) Phone, you're my only friend... you'll help me won't you?

WILLOW: (as phone) No.

-Julie -

Then I'll call the mainland for a charter.

Brooks -

Phones went down a few minutes ago.

She picks up the phone, listens, then dangles it from her hand.

Julie -

It's dead.

An exasperated Brooks heads for the door.

Brooks -

Duh. The next couple of days is gonna be rough, but we'll make it.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Some of us will anyway.

-Karla -

What about a radio?

WILLOW: (as Karla) I have to have my music.

-Brooks -

Sorry. Emergencies only.

XANDER: (as Brooks) ...and finding a dead body inside a closet is not an emergency. Priorities, people, priorities.

-Karla -

What the hell would you call this?

Brooks -

I'd call this four spoiled city kids who wouldn't know a hurricane if it blew up their butts. (beat) All we can do now is batten down and ride it out. If things get really bad, there's

a storm shelter.

SPIKE: (as Brooks) We can have an orgy in there.

-And Brooks is gone. Outside the window, it starts to rain. There's a CLAP of thunder.

Julie looks out the window with glazed-over eyes.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Duh... where am I?

-EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

And we PULL AWAY from Julie's face through the glass - SLOWLY TILTING above her room to another

TINY WINDOW in the bell tower.

BUFFY: ...where Quasimodo is dancing the Nutcracker in front of a mirrored wall, wearing nothing more than a tutu and pink tights.

-A candle burns, and lighning flashes illuminate the haggard face of Estes, the porter.

WILLOW: I hate lighning.

XANDER: Yep, lightning's more fun.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL TOWER ROOM - NIGHT

It's a claustrophobic room. Estes turns away from the window,

shirtless in his uniform pants.

BUFFY: Ew! Old man boobs.

-A beaded cord hangs around his neck, small fishhook dangling from it.

Beside the candle, he picks up a leather bag and dumps out a handful of voodoo icons: roots, coins, sea glass, chicken's foot. He sets them on a divination tray.

XANDER: (as Estes) Mmm, dinner. Dig in!

-He opens vials and sprinkles powder and assorted liquids into a small wooden bowl. He opens a drawer and extracts a toothbrush. He dips the brush in the bowl - covering its bristles with a sticky goo. He holds the brush over the candle's flame. The old man watches it SIZZLE.

XANDER: (as Estes) I just love Voodoo Surprise, it's so tasty!

-ESTES picks up A STRAW FIGURE and impales it on his fishhook necklace.

WILLOW: (as straw figure) Ow! I'm comin', Elizabeth, I'm comin'!

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: Sanford and Son.

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: The TV show?

OTHERS: O_O

WILLOW: ... never mind.

-His eyes roll back in his head. He enters a trance.

BUFFY: (as Estes, chanting) The Perky Pest of Persia shall die in a fiery death. The Perky Pest of Persia shall die in a fiery death.

-DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Olga, the maid, pushes her laundry cart toward the end of a long,

dimly lit hall. She sees a pile of dirty linens outside of a room - ROOM 228.

BUFFY: (as Olga) Excuse me! Do I look like a maid to you? (beat) Oh, yeah, hehe.

-She stops, perplexed.

WILLOW: (as Olga) What are these strange white things? Everyone's always leaving them for me.

-There's nobody staying in this room. She picks them up and stuff them in her cart. Then she knocks on the door.

XANDER: Um, why is she knocking on the door if no one's staying there?

-Olga -

Housekeeping. (beat) Housekeeping.

XANDER: She's a rapper? Housekeeping... (makes beatbox noises) housekeeping...

BUFFY: Don't ever do that again.

WILLOW: Ever.

SPIKE: This chip comes out, you're first.

-She knocks again and notices her hand leaving bloody marks on the door.

BUFFY: Wow, she seriously needs to knock lighter.

-She looks at her other hand. Her arms and hands are covered in blood.

XANDER: Spontaneous Human Bleeding... it's a mystery.

-She turns back to the linens. Something bloody is wrapped inside of them. She paws at the sheets, trying to unravel the mystery -

The door the Room

WILLOW: (snickers quietly)

-228 slowly cracks open. A STEEL HOOK reaches out and slices into her apron. It tugs. She turns, and she starts to SCREAM,

WILLOW: (as Olga, screams) My apron! My apron! Don't kill my apron!

-she is yanked into the room.

A DO NOT DISTURB sign flips over the handle and the door SLAMS shut.

XANDER: Tsk, tsk, tsk... she gets all the good men.

We hear her SCREAMS from inside.

XANDER: As I said.

-CUT TO:

EXT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT

Establishing. Bars on the windows. Neon PAWN fickering. Hand-painted sign reads: Se Habla Ingles.

WILLOW: In America? No way!

-INT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT

CLOSE ON AN ENGAGEMENT RING. Ray's engagement ring. The pawn shop owner, MAC, cowboy hat, knows his job, holds it up to the viewing loop next to his eye.

SPIKE: (as Mac) Yep, that's an engagement ring all right.

XANDER: (as Ray) Gee, thanks, mister!

-Mac -

Jeez, that's a full carat -

Ray -

How much?

WILLOW: (as Mac) A full carat.

-Mac -

Well, there's some flaws in her...

Ray -

How much?

WILLOW: (as Mac) A full carat. Geez, Kid, you're thick.

-Mac looks around his shop at the usual jumble of crap: vacuum

cleaners, golf clubs, guitar amps...

Mac -

Don't really have the market for something like this... (like it hurts him) I can go two...two-fifty.

Ray -

Make it three hundred. And throw that in, too.

REVEAL - .38 REVOLVER

SPIKE: Guns... cool. Looks like Ray's grown a back bone.

-encased in a glass cabinet.

Mac -

Hell, that's worth three, easy. And you got your waiting period.

Ray -

I'm not waiting...So give me the gun and keep the ring.

WILLOW: (as Ray) ...and marry me! Say yes, Mac... or I'll kill you.

-Mac barely hasitates,

BUFFY: (as Mac) Hell no! Better just kill me now.

-he knows he's getting a steal -

Mac -

Fine, buddy.

THE GUN AND THE RING go down on the counter next to each other. Mac pulls out some forms.

Mac - (cont'd)

Fill these out. Leave the dates blank.

WILLOW: That is _so_ wrong!

SPIKE: Just a movie.

WILLOW: Still.

-Ray starts writing.

XANDER: (as Ray) Mac, how do you spell 'Ray'?

-Mac is overcome by a moment of humanity.

BUFFY: (as Mac) It's spelled R-A-Y.

-Mac - (cont'd)

Buddy, are you sure this is the way you want to go?

WILLOW: (as Mac) Are you sure you want to kill your girlfriend? Not that it's any of my business. In fact, I could care less, so... have fun!

-Ray gives him a steely stare -

Ray -

Is it loaded?

Mac shakes his head.

Ray - (cont'd)

Load it.

XANDER: (as Ray) Oh, and could you show me how to use it? And how to aim it? Am I supposed to pull this thingie down here to fire it?

SPIKE: (as Mac) No, idiot, that's the safety.

XANDER: (as Ray) Oh- (bang!) Oops, sorry, Mac. Guess it was loaded after all.

-Off Mac's sadness at young people today.

WILLOW: (as Mac, sighs) It's sad how I sell guns to young people these days. I should try not doing that. (beat) Yeah, right!

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - DAY

We move into the hotel room and gradually reveal FOUR SETS OF FEET at the end of one bed. They are crammed into a king-size bed together.

SPIKE: Orgy. I knew it.

BUFFY: Not an orgy... just a sleep over.

WILLOW: (to Spike, scoffs) Yeah, doofus.

SPIKE: (amused) Prudes.

WILLOW: Pervert.

-Julie is awake. She gets out of bed and moves toward the window.

It's raining outside. The wind is blowing. The storm has arrived.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Let's go jump in the puddles! Yay!

-Karla pulls a sleeping hand off her chest.

XANDER: If you listen closely, you can hear it snoring... shh.

-The hand belongs to Will. She pinches the hand. Will starts.

SPIKE: ...to smack Karla repeatedly. (As Will) Bitch, don't touch me!

-Tyrell kicks his feet around, trying to get some room.

Tyrell -

This ain't the romantic weekend I had in mind.

WILLOW: (as Will) I'm sorry, honey, but Karla, and Julie insisted on coming with.

-Karla kisses Tyrell on the cheek.

XANDER: It's amazing that none of them need to brush their teeth, or use the bathroom... not to mention that no one's run screaming from the bed hair that had to have occurred.

BUFFY: Yeah, especially the guys.

XANDER: The guys have bad bed hair?

BUFFY: No, the needing to use the bathroom part.

XANDER: Oh. (beat) Oh!

SPIKE: (to Willow) Well?

WILLOW: What?

SPIKE: No 'pervert' for them?

WILLOW: Nope. Just a fact of life.

SPIKE: (mutters under his breath)

-Karla - (to Julie)

You get any sleep at all?

Julie -

Some.

Tyrell glares at Julie by the window. Sees the incredible rain.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Wow. I've seen some rain in my time, but this rain is incredible! It's... wet, and blowing... wow. Incredible.

-Tyrell -

Oh, look. Another day in paradise

BUFFY: (sings) Think twice, it's just another day for you and me, you and me in paradise.

WILLOW: Phil Collins? Really, Buffy?

BUFFY: Yup, I don't care what you say, I like Phil Collins. There I've said it.

-with Julie-your-tour-director...Miss Psychotic Episode.

Karla -

Hey -

XANDER: (as Karla) Well, no, he's right. You're a freak, Julie.

-Tyrell - (calling to Julie)

See any dead bodies out there? Any fresh kill? How 'bout Freddy, Jason?

WILLOW: (as Julie) Duh, no, those are killers from other movies. This movie has Ben Willis, remember? Big fisherman guy with a hook?

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Oh, right. My bad.

-Julie ignores him, staring out the window.

SPIKE: (as Julie, panicked) The fishies are gonna drown in the storm!

-Will -

Leave her alone.

SPIKE: But, it's so much fun to shame and ridicule her.

-Angry at her boyfriend, Karla gets out of bed and joins Julie.

WILLOW: (as Karla) You're my boyfriend now, Julie.

-Tyrell -

I'm just saying what all of you are thinking.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) ...that we're stuck in a crappy movie with an annoying actress who thinks she's all that.

-It's bad enough gettin' rained out without having to hold her hand the whole time.

Will -

You don't have to be a jerk.

XANDER: (as Will) You could try being an ass, or a bastard, all I'm saying is that you've got range, so use it.

-Karla pulls Julie close in a show of support for her friend whose mind everyone believes has been inventing dead bodies.

SPIKE: Wow. That sentence even annoyed me.

-Julie -

It's okay...He doesn't believe me. That's his right. I'm starting to think I'm crazy, too.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but... yeah, you really are.

-Karla -

Hey, slow down, turn off the little motor up in there...

ALL: (laugh)

XANDER: Like she's got a brain to turn off. That's funny!

-What do you say we go to the gym and work off a little stress?

SPIKE: (sighs happily) Nothin' better than violence to work off a little stress.

BUFFY: Yep, no better therapy in the world.

WILLOW/XANDER: O_O

-Julie doesn't look to enthusiastic.

WILLOW: Of course Julie doesn't look to enthusiastic. Since there's no one there named 'enthusiastic' she can't look to them... she could, if she wanted to, not look 'too' enthusiastic.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL FITNESS ROOM - DAY

Karla and Julie enter the gym.

BUFFY: ...and tragically, are attacked by Ben Willis. They die instantly.

-It has Nautilus machines, treadmills, Life-cycles, free weights, tanning beds, speed and heavy bags.

Karla walks over and does a full roundhouse - spinning and planting her foot dead center of

WILLOW: ...Julie's face, and, tragically, she shoves Julie's nose up into her brain. She dies instantly.

-the heavy bag.

Julie -

Nice move.

Karla -

I'll be givin' your fisherman some of that and see how he likes it.

Julie smiles at her friend bravado.

WILLOW: Someone stole her friend's 's.

-She steps over to a stairmaster and starts her workout.

XANDER: ... tragically, she slips off, smacking her face on the front of the machine. She knocks herself out and falls to the floor where she hits her head on the hard floor, and lays bleeding to death. She dies... not so instantly.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - DAY

Will and Tyrell step out of the room into the long, empty corridor. They cross to a balcony overlooking the lobby. The whole place seems deserted.

SPIKE: ... so that, tragically, when they make a pact, and leap off together, going splat on the ground, splitting open their skulls, no one is around to stop them. They die instantly.

-Tyrell -

Where is everybody?

Will - (gallows humor)

They're all dead...Dead, I tell you. (ghostly) Ahhhh, we're all deaaaddddd. Tyrellll, joinnnn usss.

BUFFY: Didn't happen in the movie.

OTHERS: (sigh)

-Will's voice echoes across the lobby. Tyrell is maybe a little

nervous, but hiding it.

XANDER: Although there's not much he can do to hide his wet pants, which he just pissed in.

WILLOW: (as Will) Gross, dude.

-Tyrell -

Shut up.

They walk down the steps to the lobby.

XANDER: ...tragically, they trip and die. Instantly.

-INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

They cross the lobby.

Will - (calling out)

Hello? (worried) There's nobody here, Tyrell.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Good! Let's make out!

WILLOW: (as Will) Eek! No! (runs away)

-Tyrell's already out the front entrance.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Will, come back! I love you, Will!

WILLOW: (to Buffy, grins impudently) I know you do.

XANDER: Hey, me too.

WILLOW: I know.

SPIKE: I don't.

WILLOW: (fake shock, gasps) Really? Darn, now my life has no meaning.

SPIKE: (sneers) Wow, you're just a riot of non-funny.

OTHERS: (chuckle)

-EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Will and Tyrell exit the hotel and make their way down the steps

outside and go splashing across the flooded grounds.

SPIKE: Tragically, they slip and fall, landing face down in the water, drowning. They die.

XANDER: Not instantly?

SPIKE: Not anymore.

-Debris from the storm is scattered all around them.

WILLOW: They get smacked by flying palm fronds, and knocked to the ground. They die instantly.

-Tyrell -

They're around...They just don't care about us 'cause we're the

contest winners.

BUFFY: (as Will) Hey, Ty, you've got a little paranoia on your shirt.

-(beat) Let's go find Stoner Boy...Make his lazy butt hook us up with fishing poles or Ping-Pong paddles or something.

XANDER: (laughs) Fishing poles? In the middle of a hurricane? (as Will) Yeah, you go do that, Ty, I'll be in the storm shelter.

Will - (nervous)

You know, the greenhouse effect has caused the gulf stream to shift and almost every meteorological expert expects a dramatic increase in tropical depression -

ALL: (yawn)

-Tyrell -

Hey - shut up, okay?

Tyrell keeps walking. Will looks around at the wind-and-water-swept vista. Not much of a day for activities.

BUFFY: Ya think?

-Will - (sotto)

I don't like to fish.

SPIKE: (as Will, whining) I don't like to fish, and I hate rain. Nobody loves me.

WILLOW: (pats Spike's shoulder) Aww, poor Will.

SPIKE: (to Willow) Don't call me that.

WILLOW: I meant the character Will...

SPIKE: Oh.

-Tyrell moves across the grounds. He looks back. Will is stopped in his tracks, looking up at -

IN THE WINDOW OF THE BELL TOWER -

ESTES, staring down at them.

Tyrell - (calling to Will)

You coming?

SPIKE: (as Will) Not yet. How about a little touchy feely first?

WILLOW: ...

SPIKE: (to Willow) No comment?

WILLOW: Why? It hasn't done any good to date.

-Will trots after him, but he takes a glance back at the window...Estes is gone.

XANDER: (as Will, gasps) It's magic!

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL FITNESS ROOM - DAY

Julie has finished on the stairmaster.

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...nine... (pants)... ten! All done.

-Both she and Karla are sweaty after a good workout. Their moods have improved.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Since we're all sweaty anyway, let's have a little sex before we re-join the boys. (looking to Willow for a reaction)

WILLOW: (silent)

-Karla -

Come on, Vampira.

XANDER: Vampira? Where'd that come from? Does she suck blood?

BUFFY: Maybe she's allergic to crosses and all things holy?

SPIKE: Maybe she's immortal.

WILLOW: I think she's just pale and pasty... nasty looking.

SPIKE: (offended) Hey, I am not pasty... nor am I nasty looking.

WILLOW: Wasn't talking about you... unless your name is Julie.

SPIKE: (not convinced)

-I got just the thing for you.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Blood. Mine. Here, kill me.

-Karla leads Julie over to the tanning beds.

Julie -

Cancer in a box.

Karla -

No, this is the safe sun.

WILLOW: Ok, is Karla really that stupid?

BUFFY: Looks like it.

WILLOW: (nods) Just curious.

-(joking) It's better than a day at the beach.

XANDER: (as Karla) No sand in your suit, no hot sand to walk on, no embarrassing cold water shrinking moments... (as himself) Oh, God, I didn't just say that.

OTHERS: O_O

SPIKE: (bursts out laughing)

WILLOW/BUFFY: (laughing too hard to say anything)

XANDER: (holds his head in his hands) Oh, man. Let's just finish this thing so I can go hide in my room.

OTHERS: (still snickering)

-Julie is reluctant.

Karla - (cont'd)

Come on, a little photosynthesis and you'll feel like a new -

Julie -

Houseplant.

ALL BUT XANDER: (still snickering)

XANDER: (groans) Come on, guys, can we just pretend I didn't say that? Please?

WILLOW: Sure. (giggles)

BUFFY: Uh-huh. (chuckles)

SPIKE: (laughs) Yeah, that'll happen.

XANDER: (groans again)

-Karla opens the canopy of the tanning bed.

Karla -

Exactly.

Julie peels off her sweats. Lies down in her underwear.

SPIKE: Pictures. That's all I'm saying.

-Straps on a small pair of GOGGLES.

Karla lowers the canopy over Julie.

ANGLE ON A WALL TIMER

Karla sets the DIAL.

Karla - (cont'd)

Set to three seventy-five, bake for one hour...

ALL: Yay!

-Julie -

Karla!

Karla -

Just kidding.

ALL: Boo!

-ULTRA-VIOLET TUBES come to life - Julie is bathed in purple light.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - DAY

Tyrell looks across the grounds and sees, at the far end of the tennis court,

BUFFY: ...a tennis ball. (as Tyrell) Come on, Will, we've gotta save that ball! It could drown.

-TITUS'S POOL SUPPLY CART half-obscured by the heavy fooliage

WILLOW: (giggles, pointing) Fooliage!

-surrounding the court.

Tyrell walks away from Will toward the cart. He hears the jam-box on the cart playing "TRENCHTOWN ROCK" by Bob Marley..."One good thing about music...when it hits you feel no pain..."

SPIKE: Titus has just redeemed himself in my eyes.

OTHERS: Definitely.

BUFFY: Hey, I just realized something.

WILLOW: What?

BUFFY: Um, tell you in a bit.

-EXT. HOTEL TENNIS COURT - DAY

The open door of the entrance CLANGS against the fence in the wind. Tyrell decides to cut through the court to the far entrance and the cart.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) I think I can reach the ball from here... it'll be close, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

-INT. HOTEL TENNIS COURT - DAY

Tyrell walks across the court to the sagging net.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Hey, little net, why so down?

BUFFY: (chuckles) Cute.

-There is a RUSTLING in the foliage around the court.

WILLOW: At least it wasn't a rustling in the fooliage... that coulda been scary.

-SOMETHING moving fast and quietly.

Tyrell - (calling out)

Hey, Bong Marley. Come here.

The door SLAMS shut behind him.

Tyrell looks back at the door. The latch seems to have stuck and it's no longer swinging.

Tyrell turns back toward the other door and sees

XANDER: ... a cow fly through the air toward them. Tragically, he's too shocked to move or warn Will, and it ends up hitting them. They die instantly. In a related story, the tennis ball made it out fine.

-The PIT BULL standing in the doorway. Tyrell stares at the dog. The dog GROWLS at Tyrell, low and menacing.

Tyrell -

I'm gonna kill you, Bong Boy.

BUFFY: That's a strange name for a dog.

-Simultaneously, Tyrell turns and the dog lunges forward.

BUFFY: Bad, Bong Boy. Bad doggie!

-Tyrell sprints to the door - it's LOCKED by a length of metal slipped into the coupling.

He turns to see the dog bounding at him -

Tyrell leaps up the fence just as the pit bull lunges for him. The dog catches his pant leg. Tyrell kicks him away and frantically scrambles up.

The dog relentlessly barks and snaps as Tyrell climbs the fence.

WILL

looks in at the dog angrily charging the chain-link. He looks up at Tyrell.

WILLOW: Wasn't Will with Ty?

OTHERS: (shrug)

-Will -

Come on. Jump. I've got you.

BUFFY: Didn't happen.

SPIKE: Not caring.

-He reaches out to try and catch Tyrell.

ON THE FENCE Tyrell finally looses

WILLOW: The word is 'loses'. 'Loses', people, not 'looses'. Come on, use a spell checker once in a while. And, if it is supposed to be looses, then, hello, the word is 'loosens'.

XANDER: Ok, now that those words have lost all meaning to me... let's read on.

-his grip and falls back, landing on top of Will.

BUFFY: (as Will, effeminately) Oh, Ty, hold me, baby, hold me! Yes, Ty, y-

XANDER: And we're stopping that now.

BUFFY: Sorry.

-He rolls quickly to his feet.

Tyrell -

Thanks. (furious) I gotta find me a pool boy.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell, ominously) I need some... arm floaties.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL FITNESS ROOM - DAY

Karla hammers the bag with a series of quick punches.

XANDER: (as Karla) Take that, you stupid bag.

BUFFY: (scoffs) She punches like a girl.

XANDER: (to Buffy) Well, Buffy, she is a girl.

BUFFY: That's no excuse.

-She finally stops to catch her breath and hears a THUMPING from the other room.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Ty, Will, is that you? Are you two having sex without me again? What'd I tell you about that?

WILLOW: (primly) Pervert.

SPIKE: (grins) Prude.

-INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY

Karla sticks her head out the door to the gym, listening. At the end of the hall

XANDER: There are kids.

WILLOW: (to Xander) Kids in the Hall reference?

XANDER: Absolutely.

-AN OPEN DOOR is visible, a single BARE BULB lighting the room. Karla moves curiously toward it.

SPIKE: (as Karla) What is this? Light coming from a ball of glass? How can this be?

-INT. BASEMENT ROOM - DAY

Karla slowly sticks her head around the corner just as the THUMPING NOISE SOUNDS LOUNDLY. She reacts -

BUFFY: (nudges Willow) What's a 'loundly'?

WILLOW: Argh! I hadn't noticed that one... thanks bunches!

BUFFY: Oops.

-A THUMPING DRYER in a small laundry room. Karla relaxes.

Karla - (doing Julie)

ALL: O_O

XANDER: So now we know, I guess.

BUFFY: Mm-hmm.

-Gee, Karla...That'll break the machine...

WILLOW: They must be going at it pretty hard to worry about breaking a machine.

SPIKE: (to Willow) Welcome to the gutter.

WILLOW: I just hope I can climb back out again.

-She approaches the MACHINE, which is rocking with the noise.

Karla - (cont'd)

Damn. How many pairs you got in there?

XANDER: And she just assumes it's shoes, why?

-She opens the dryer door and jumps back.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ahhh! Bobcat Goldthwait, no!

-A BLOODY SHOE

flies out and into her arms. She looks down a beat,

XANDER: ...then realizes she just got a free shoe. If she can find the other one, she'll have a pair. Beats going to Payless.

-and SCREAMS bloody murder.

SPIKE: There's already been bloody murder.

-A hot spray of blood gushes from the machine.

BUFFY: Oh, I _so_ don't think so! It's in the drier... which dries things. It would be all sticky and thick, and...

SPIKE: Hey, you're making me hungry.

BUFFY: Oh, grody.

-REVEAL - OLGA'S DISMEMBERED BODY

SPIKE: Ooo, and now the fun begins.

-tumbling inside the dryer. Karla SCREAMS again. Then she hears the SOUND of heavy boots coming down the hall. She runs to the door and locks it.

She's trapped in a bloody basement cell.

XANDER: Suddenly she's British?

SPIKE: Suddenly you're an idiot? (beat) Wait, no, you've always been one.

-Suddenly somebody POUNDS on the door. Karla SCREAMS.

She runs across the room, shoving a folding table toward a row of

BASEMENT WINDOWS.

The door is hit again and again. Somebody is throwing their shoulder against it.

Karla bangs hysterically on the windows, leaving bloody handprints on the panes.

CUT TO:

INT. TANNING ROOM - DAY

Julie's eyes suddenly open through the GOGGLES. She thumbs off her WALKMAN.

Julie -

You say something?

WILLOW: Nope, been pretty quiet for a while. You're hearing things.

-Nothing. And just as Julie lies down again, Karla's frantic SCREAMS echo down the hall.

BUFFY: (as Karla, screaming) I'll get you Ed McMahon! I'll get you!

XANDER: There's that randomness I love so much.

-Julie goes to push open the canopy. As she does, the CANOPY LID is JAMMED DOWN ON TOP OF HER. A CHAIN shoots through the handles. Julie is locked on the grill.

ALL: Yeah!

SPIKE: Who's got the marshmallows?

WILLOW: Wait, wasn't the killer just throwing himself against the door in the basement? How can he be in two places at once?

BUFFY: Two killers?

-Julie - (cont'd)

Karla! Somebody? Hey, this isn't funny.

XANDER: No, it really, really is.

-Suddenly the lights go off.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Mommy!

-Julie thrashes around, trying to free herself.

JULIE'S POV - THROUGH THE PURPLE LIGHT

XANDER: (singing) Purple Haze-

SPIKE: If you continue, I'll be forced to hurt you.

WILLOW: Not a Hendrix fan?

SPIKE: On the contrary.

-She sees someone walking around in the room. The person steps closer. Julie could almost reach out and touch him.

BUFFY: (singing) Reach out, reach out and touch someone, reach out, reach out and just say, 'kill'.

-She begins to SCREAM!

ALL: AHHHH!

-EXT. HOTEL POOL - DAY

Tyrell angrily makes his way past the outdoor pool bar as Will

follows.

XANDER: (as Will) Wait up, poopykins.

-Tyrell spots a tray of empty bottles. He picks one up and smashes it in half on the ground. He holds out the jagged bottle to Will.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Call me 'poopykins' again, and I'll use this on you.

-Tyrell -

Take this.

Will -

And do what with it?

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Ever see Demolition Man?

WILLOW: (as Will) ... yeah.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) The three shells...?

OTHERS: Ew.

-Tyrell breaks another bottle in half.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) This one's mine.

-Tyrell -

Julienne of pool boy.

SPIKE: I had something like that once. Dru brought me a-

BUFFY: Stop!

SPIKE: (grumbles) You know, I could do with some company of a like nature.

XANDER: Ah, poor Spike... are you all alone here?

SPIKE: (to Xander) Eat me, Harris.

-They move toward the nearby POOL HOUSE.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Ready to go skinny dipping?

SPIKE: Absolutely.

WILLOW: Yeah, see, I was actually being Tyrell there.

SPIKE: Yeah, and I was not being anyone but myself. So?

-EXT. POOL HOUSE - DAY

Tyrell and Will stop outside the door. There's MUSIC from inside. More Bob Marley - "Lively Up Yourself..."

SPIKE: I'm liking this Titus guy more and more.

-Tyrell - (cont'd)

I'm gonna throw the door. Get ready.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ...for some extreme skinny dipping fun! Just, uh, don't tell Karla, huh? Our little secret?

-Tyrell opens the door and charges in. Will's right behind him.

INT. HOTEL POOL HOUSE - DAY

They spill into the room. A light fog hangs in the air. The two of them begin to COUGH and CHOKE.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Cough.

XANDER: (as Will) Choke.

-Titus sits on the floor facing away from them, facing a window through which gray light pierces

SPIKE: ...their hearts. The end!

OTHERS: Yay.

-the gloom.

Titus doesn't move.

XANDER: (eyeing Spike) Most dead people don't.

-He's too still.

BUFFY: (also eyeing Spike) Most dead people are.

-In front of him is a large BONG that still SMOKES SLIGHTLY.

Tyrell -

Hey, pool boy.

Tyrell closes the distance and kicks Titus in the back.

Titus falls over like a block of wood, rictus already setting in.

SPIKE: (to Titus) Hey, man, grin and bear it.

WILLOW: (snorts with laughter)

BUFFY: (joking) Willow, he's corrupting you!

XANDER: What's so funny?

OTHERS: (burst out laughing)

-His hands are bound behind him. The cord is tied off to some pipes against the wall.

HIS FINGERNAILS SCRATHCED GROOVES

XANDER: Aww, Titus was trying to find his groove.

-into the floor, scrabbling for the window and fresh air.

Will points out two empty one-gallon PLASTIC BOTTLES.

WILLOW: (as Will) Look! Fill them with water, and they can be used as arm floaties. We hit the jackpot!

-ANGLE ON THE BOTTLES

One is labeled CHLORINE, the other MURIATIC ACID.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) But, won't they kill us? Like they did Titus?

WILLOW: (as Will) Silly! Bottles can't kill people. They're inanimate objects.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) ...!

-Will pulls Tyrell from the pool house.

WILLOW: (as Will) Come on, let's go swim naked now!

-EXT. HOTEL POOL HOUSE - DAY

The two of them collapse, COUGHING and CHOKING.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Cough.

XANDER: (as Will) Choke.

-Tyrell -

What the - ?

Will splashes a puddle of rainwater on his face -

SPIKE: ...because, apparently, all that rain wasn't doing the job?

XANDER: Slacker rain.

-Will -

That's chlorine and muriatic acid.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Yeah... I _can_ read you know.

- Put the two together and you get cyanide.

Tyrell rolls over on his back next to Will, practically coughing up a lung.

ALL: Ew.

-Tyrell -

Cyanide? Like poison gas? (reality dawning) You mean, somebody really killed him...Omigod. Think...Think...

BUFFY: (as Julie) Think about what? Think about what? Ray, we killed a man- (as herself) oops, that was the first movie.

-Suddenly, they both hear KARLA SCREAMING. They sprint for the main building.

SPIKE: ...to watch her be slaughtered. (As Tyrell) Front row seats, man!

BUFFY: Titus didn't die like that in the movie.

WILLOW: How did he die?

BUFFY: He was killed right after Derrick. Fish Guy

went to his place, put his hook through his hand as Titus was getting high, and then killed him. No poison was used.

XANDER: Wonder why they changed it.

OTHERS: (shrug)

SPIKE: Still not caring.

-CUT TO:

EXT. BASEMENT WINDOW - DAY

Tyrell and Will follow Karla's CRIES to a narrow srip of basement

window which runs along the side of the hotel. Her palms have bloodied one of the windows.

BUFFY: (as Will) Better not be expecting me to clean that up. I don't do windows.

-Tyrell -

Get back -

WILLOW: (singing) Get back to where you once belonged.

SPIKE: Get back, JoJo.

-INT. HOTEL LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY

Karla ducks down on the table just as the window EXPLODES inward.

Tyrell kicks in the pane and looks in.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Hi, Karla, I'm Tyrell, and I'll be your hero today. Is there anything I can get you?

BUFFY: (as Karla) How about the hell out of here?

-Tyrell - (cont'd)

Give me your hand!

She reaches for him. He pulls her up and out through the window.

ALL: Boo.

-EXT. BASEMENT WINDOW - DAY

Karla tumbles to the ground with only one thing to say.

SPIKE: (as Karla) Egypt!

WILLOW: That randomness thing is contagious, I think.

-Karla - (screaming)

Julie!

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) You're welcome!

-SMASH CUT TO:

INT. TANNING ROOM - DAY

Tyrell and Will suddenly burst through the door.

ANGLE ON THE TANNING BED

Where Julie is just visible, her fingers madly groping for a way out.

Julie -

Oh, God, get me out. Get me out.

XANDER: (as Karla) Tee hee, let's pretend to leave, and wait outside the door.

-Will struggles to open the bed, but the chain holds strong.

Tyrell grabs a nearby dumbbell.

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) Come here, Will.

-Tyrell -

Hang on...

ANGLE ON THE CHAIN

Tyrell slams the barbell down, shattering the fiberglass handles.

BUFFY: (as Karla, proudly) He's so destructive.

-A few of the ultraviolet tubes POP as Will yanks up on the cover.

They help Julie up, her eyes adjusting to non-purple light.

Julie - (almost relieved)

WILLOW: Almost? I'd be completely relieved not to be a baking fish fillet anymore.

-I'm not crazy...I'm not crazy. He's here... (already moving

for the door) We've got to get to the radio and call for help.

XANDER: (as Will) who needs a radio? I can call for help without one. Help! Help!

-Karla -

I think we can classify this as an emergency situation.

BUFFY: Can not. That's for Brooks, and Brooks alone to decide.

-They head for the manager's office.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - BROOKS'S OFFICE - DAY

They burst into the middle of the room before seeing that Brooks's head has a machete sticking out of it.

SPIKE: Cool.

OTHERS: O_O

-Tyrell -

Yo, Brooks, listen up - (reacting) Whoa -

XANDER: (as Tyrell) ...dude, you got this... thing, hanging out your head. Might wanna get that looked at.

-Tyrell, Will, and Karla look at the radio, which is smashed on the floor next to Brooks.

BUFFY: Bad, Brooks! Bad boy. You apologize right now!

-Julie stares in shock at the reverse wall, at

A STUFFED MARLIN

ALL: AHHHH!

-with the words "I STILL KNOW" written on it in blood.

Karla SCREAMS -

SPIKE: She screams at the words, but not at the guy with a machete stuck in his head?

-Tyrell -

Somebody...is a sick, fingerpainting psycho.

WILLOW: (as killer) Me! Ooo, it's me! Over here! Yoo hoo!

-Karla -

We gotta get out of here. Now.

THE POWER CUTS OUT and the hotel plunges into darkness.

Julie SCREAMS and runs from the hotel.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Eek! The lights went out, people are dead, there's a hurricane, I'm stuck on an island... it's dark as night almost... but I'll run out into the night in a panic.

-Will -

Julie!

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Julie runs down the steps and cuts through the blowing palms.

XANDER: Wow, she's sharp! (laughs at his own joke) Get it?

OTHERS: (groan)

-CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL DOCKS - DAY

Julie is at the end of the dock. Tears are streaming down her face,

WILLOW: They must have really good eyesight to separate her tears from the rain.

-her chest heaving.

BUFFY/WILLOW: ... of course.

SPIKE/XANDER: Pictures!

-The others catch up with her. Karla realizes the boats are gone.

Everyone is freaking out.

ALL: AHHHH!

-Karla -

There were boats here? Refresh my memory, there were boats...

XANDER: Yes, Karla, there were boats... doofus!

-Tyrell picks up the end of a cut mooring line -

Tyrell -

They were cut loose.

BUFFY: We want to be cut loose too! Please?

-Will -

Julie? Wanna tell us what is going on here?

They look at Julie. Their escape is cut off by water. They're scared.

Julie - (freaking out)

We're all going to die.

ALL: Yay!

-He's going to kill us one by one.

ALL: Yay!

-Tyrell -

Who?

Julie -

Ben Willis.

Karla - (not this again)

Oh, stop it! He's dead. You killed him. Now, get over it. We gotta think here.

SPIKE: (as Julie) But I wanna think over there.

-Julie -

They never found the body.

Her voice is low and urgent, an impromptu confessional.

Julie - (cont'd)

Two summers ago. We lied to the authorities.

BUFFY: 'Authorities'? Who talks like that?

-We hit Ben Willis with our car. Ray, me, Barry, and Helen ...We threw the body in the water

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...then went out dancing and partying. Somehow I don't think that endeared Ben to us.

-to cover it up -

Karla -

Julie...

BUFFY: (as Karla) ...you're sick. I can't believe I brought you here to ruin my vacation... bitch.

-Julie -

Only he wasn't dead. He killed Barry and Helen last July Fourth.

XANDER: (as Julie) ...and Max and Elsa, but, like I said before, they don't matter as much, so I'll just not mention them at all. Um, you know, except just now when I did... but never again.

-Tyrell begins backing away from Julie. He picks up a piece of

driftwood from the dock.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Come on, let's get her! Die, Julie, die!

-Julie - (cont'd)

I thought Ray and I killed him on the boat, but we didn't and now he's back to finish up the job.

WILLOW: (as Julie) He forgot to do some mopping, and take out a few bags of garbage... so he's come back.

-Tyrell holds up the log as a weapon. He's angry and afraid -

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Die, Julie, die!

-Tyrell -

We're on an island, miles from anywhere. I don't give a crap about you're fisherman. There's dead bodies pilling up everywhere

WILLOW: I hate when things pill up... it's horrifying.

-and there's one guy missing -

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) So, come on, Julie, die already...

WILLOW: Give it up, Spike, he's not going to kill her.

SPIKE: Well why not?

XANDER: Way to whine, Spike.

SPIKE: Way to make it to number one on my kill list.

XANDER: (grins) I'm number one! I'm number one!

SPIKE: (frustrated) I hate you so much.

-Will moves closer to Tyrell -

BUFFY: (as Will) Hold me.

-Will -

The porter...what's his name? Old Asbestos -

WILLOW: (chuckles) See, Buffy, you're not the only one who screws names up.

BUFFY: Hey, I don't do it that often!

WILLOW: (giggling) Giles told us about Khaki Pants.

XANDER: (chuckling) And 'I live for killing toast'.

SPIKE: And those would refer to...?

WILLOW/XANDER: Kakistos.

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)

BUFFY: (laughing) Bite me!

SPIKE: If you insist-

OTHERS: Shut up.

-Tyrell -

Estes! That's exactly who it is. That old guy knows something. We can sit here and wait for him to pick us off or we can go find him first.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) ...and pick him apart.

-Tyrell turns and heads down the dock. Will goes with him. Karla takes a few hesitant steps after them, then turns back toward Julie, who hasn't moved.

BUFFY: (as director) Cut! Damn it, Mr. Freeze, I told you to leave! Go! Get out!

WILLOW: (as Julie, frozen) Help me.

-Karla -

Julie, we have to do something.

Julie sees her friend caught in the middle, sees her suffering. She reluctantly starts for Karla -

XANDER: ...then stops. Then starts for her again, then hops to the left, and then jumps to the riiii-iiii-iiiii-iiii-iiiii-iiiight!

SPIKE: No Rocky Horror jokes.

XANDER: (grinning) Why not?

SPIKE: Because I said so.

XANDER: (rolls his eyes)

-Julie - (sotto)

It's not him.

WILLOW: (as Julie) It's me. Die, Karla, die!

-CUT TO:

INT. GREYHOUND BUS - NIGHT

Standard bus folks: old people in Panama hats, buzz-cut military geeks on holiday.

ALL: ...

BUFFY: Are people in the military generally geeks?

XANDER: Uh, no.

WILLOW: (laughs suddenly) I can see it now; tall, skinny guys with bad haircuts, and taped up glasses, walking around with a gun in one hand, and a copy of the Lord of the Rings in the other. (laughs some more)

OTHERS: ...

WILLOW: (laughing harder) Glasses slipping all the time... glaring at the rude 'enemy' for interrupting their chess tournaments... oh, god... (giggles madly)

OTHERS: ... O_O

WILLOW: I'm sorry... (giggles more sedately) Just, having a breakdown is all.

SPIKE: Oh. And we're moving on.

-Ray sits in a seat. He's in pain and does not look good.

BUFFY: (as Ray) I am in pain.

WILLOW: (as passenger) You do not look good.

-He pops a handful of pills

BUFFY: Drugs are bad! Put those down, Ray!

XANDER: Where'd he get drugs? And just what kind of pills are they?

SPIKE: Yeah, suddenly he's got a gun _and_ a dealer?

WILLOW: (considerably calmer) Not real.

-into his mouth and washes them down with an Orange Crush -

XANDER: Mmm. No drug experience is complete without Orange Crush... at least, not for the under _ten_ crowd!

-A dignified OLD LADY has been watching him -

WILLOW: (as old lady) Drugs are bad, sonny! (smacks him in the head)

SPIKE: Hey! What the hell was that for?

WILLOW: Oops. Sorry, I, uh, guess I got a little too into it.

SPIKE: Hands off, Witch. (beat) Unless you want-

BUFFY/XANDER: She doesn't.

WILLOW: (laughs at her friends) I doesn't.

-Old Lady -

People live healthy in Miami. (sincere, but unsettling) It's the future down there every day of the week...The future.

ALL: ...

XANDER: What the hell does that mean?

WILLOW: Old people live there, and they face death every- I don't know!

-Ray slumps back, waiting for the pills to work.

BUFFY: (as Ray) Hurry up and work, pills, I can't take this lady's rambling for much longer.

-Ray -

I'll keep that in mind.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL TOWER ROOM - DUSK

The door to Estes's room BANGS inward. Tyrell, Will, Karla, and Julie charge into the room.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Kill him!

WILLOW: (as Julie) But he didn't do anything!

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) Still kill him!

-Tyrell -

Yo, Freak Boy -

XANDER: (laughs) The guy's like, sixty years old, I don't think he can be called 'boy', especially by a twenty-three year old.

-The cluttered room is empty.

Will -

He's not here.

WILLOW: Thank you, Mr. Obvious.

-Tyrell and Will begin roughly searching through Estes's possessions.

WILLOW: (as Estes) I feel so violated.

SPIKE: (to Willow) Want a reason to?

WILLOW: (primly) No, I'm good. Thanks.

SPIKE: (shrugs) Suit yourself. How about you, Slayer? (leers at her)

BUFFY: How about you die, and I watch?

SPIKE: You're no fun, the lot of you. (looks at Xander) Don't even think about it, Harris!

XANDER: (shudders) Ew! I wasn't- there was no thinking- ack!

OTHERS: (laugh)

-Tyrell -

We're gonna find some weird crap in here.

WILLOW: He's psychic now?

SPIKE: Looks like.

-In the corner there is a curtain used as a partition. Julie pulls the curtain back and discovers

XANDER: ...Leatherface trying on a frilly blue dress.

OTHERS: AHHH!

-A SMALL, HEAVY CABINET sitting in the corner. It seems to glow from inside while casting an evil pall over the room.

BUFFY: Uh... yeah.

SPIKE: It's all about atmosphere, ya know? Gives the illusion of evil even in the most un-evil of places.

BUFFY: ... Uh-huh.

-Julie moves toward it and hesitates before opening the doors.

Inside - is a small voodoo shrine. A candle has burned low before it. Hanging before the altar is THE LITTLE STRAW MAN impaled on a fishhook.

BUFFY: (as Julie) No! Little Straw Man is dead! Oh, the humanity!

-Julie -

Voodoo.

XANDER: Who do that voodoo you do so well?

WILLOW: Who's the man?

SPIKE: What man?

WILLOW: The man with the power.

SPIKE: What power?

WILLOW: The power of voodoo.

SPIKE: Who do?

WILLOW: You do.

SPIKE: Do what?

WILLOW: Have the power.

SPIKE: What power?

WILLOW: The power of voodoo-

BUFFY: Stop it!

XANDER: Please!

WILLOW/SPIKE: (laugh)

-Tyrell -

I told you.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) So nyah!

-Julie looks closer. She sees her toothbrush, a hair tie, assorted other knickknacks belonging to her friends.

WILLOW: (as Julie) I'm going to take these and sell them back to my friends, ha ha ha. I'm evil. Like, totally evil.

-Tyrell - (to Karla)

Missing a hair tie?

Karla looks in. Tyrell snatches the straw man up.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Mine!

-Tyrell -

We found our guy.

XANDER: Aww, does Tyrell like the little straw man?

-THUNDER rumbles across the sky like the judgement of God.

BUFFY: The writer obviously thinks this is a novel, where statements like that matter.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Julie, Karla, Tyrell, and Will walk quickly down the corridor. They have grabbed some of their things.

Tyrell -

We gotta find flashlights, torches, guns if they got 'em, anything that'll help.

Will and Tyrell eye the stairs leading down to the lobby.

WILLOW: (as Will) Think we can make it without the girls noticing?

-Tyrell -

Wait. Maybe he's down there collecting the body parts.

Will and Tyrell exchange a glance, an "are you man enough?" kind of glance.

BUFFY: (as Will, whining) Unh! I don't want to go down there. Save me, Julie!

-Will -

Let's go.

SPIKE: (as Will) ...die a horrible death.

OTHERS: Yay.

-INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

The men head into the kitchen and bar area.

XANDER: ...for food and a stiff drink.

-Will -

We'll only be a second, okay?

Tyrell -

Yeah, wait right here, it's the safest place.

XANDER: (as Will) Ah, geez, Ty, I just pissed my pants.

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Me too, man, I'm scared as hell. What're we gonna do?

XANDER: (as Will) Let's run, leave the girls, and just run like hell.

-Karla is terrified and waits by the stairs, but something catches Julie's eye. She walks across the lobby.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo, shiiiiiny.

-Karla -

Julie, where are you going?

WILLOW: (as Julie) Shiiiiiny. Look, Karla, shiiiiiny.

-Julie keeps walking. She sees historical pictures of the hotel: work crews

SPIKE: ...cutting corners, and skimping on materials.

-during construction; the first limbo contest; fishermen standing next to sailfish and marlin.

Near the pictures, Julie sees the globe. It's spinning slowly.

WILLOW: ...hypnotizing her, and sending her off clucking like a chicken.

-Julie hesitates, then walks toward the globe. It stops spinning. She looks down at it.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Bock?

-CLOSE ON - THE GLOBE

and Julie's hand finding Brazil. We see the capital is not Rio, but Brazilia. This is dawning on Julie when we hear -

Estes - (v.o.)

Brasilia.

WILLOW: Ok, the people who made the globe didn't know how to spell it? How lame is that?

-She jumps out of her skin.

ALL: Ew.

SPIKE: No wait, I meant; neat.

-Estes was standing right there in the shadows.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, dude, could you _not_ sneak around while a serial killer is after us?

-Estes - (cont'd)

That's the capital of Brazil, not Rio.

Karla SCREAMS.

XANDER: (as Karla) AHHH! Rio's not the capital? AHHH!

-Tyrell comes flying across the lobby past Karla. He dives on Estes, tackling him to the floor. Will is right behind him.

Will/Estes/Tyrell

Let go. I got him. That's me. It's him. We got you...

ALL: ...

-Julie -

Leave him alone.

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) But it's fun to beat up old people.

XANDER: (to Spike) Were you speaking for yourself... or, um, one of them?

SPIKE: (grins)

-Tyrell holds up battered Estes -

BUFFY: Battered Estes, the new fragrance by Tommy Hilfiger.

-Tyrell -

Here's youre killer -

WILLOW: (as Julie) He's not my killer, he's yours. (as herself) Notice the correct spelling of 'your'?

-Estes -

No -

WILLOW: Well take a closer look then.

-Will -

We found your voodoo crap -

XANDER: (as Estes) It's not crap, thank you very much. It's stuff. There's a difference.

-Estes -

No -

BUFFY: Wonderful vocabulary you got there, Estes.

-They shake Estes, finally giving him a chance to speak.

BUFFY: (as Estes) Like, I totally didn't kill anyone!

-Estes - (cont'd)

I found the bodies this morning...I tried to use the radio, but

SPIKE: (as Estes) ... I couldn't find the on/off button, so I got a little mad, and destroyed it. Oops.

-he already destroyed it.

Julie -

Let him go. I believe him.

WILLOW: She's easy.

-Karla -

Come on, Julie. You saw his room.

BUFFY: (as Karla) All those pinks and purples... he's _gotta_ be evil.

-Estes -

I haven't hurt anyone...I stole those things to help you. To

protect you.

XANDER: (laughing) (as Estes) I shoplifted to save your lives... if I hadn't taken those bags of Ruffles, you'd all be dead by now.

-Julie -

He's telling the truth. He could've easily killed me. He didn't.

SPIKE: (as Estes) Well, now I've changed my mind... you're annoying, prepare to die!

-(beat while this sinks in) Look, we didn't even answer the

radio question right...This whole thing was a setup.

Karla -

What do you mean?

BUFFY: I think she means; Look, we didn't even answer the

radio question right...This whole thing was a setup.

WILLOW: Yep, that's what she meant.

-Julie -

Rio isn't the capital of Brazil.

XANDER: (as Karla) AHHHH! Rio's not the capital? AHHH!

-It was the wrong answer. Sorry, we lose.

Tyrell - (starting to lose it)

You've got all these theories but where is he? Where? Where's your fisherman killer?

Julie -

I don't know.

BUFFY: (as Julie) I don't know anything, really. I'm learning challenged.

-Tyrell - (losing it)

You never do...The guy at the nightclub, the body in your room last night. Little notes that only mean something to you. How do we even know you're not the one behind this -

WILLOW: (as Julie) You don't. Neener neener neener.

-Estes steps forward -

Julie - (to Tyrell)

How do we know you're not?

Estes - (to Julie)

I know who you're talking about.

ALL: ...

WILLOW: Who what? Nobody said anything about anyone.

XANDER: There's that psychic thing going on again.

-He used to work here at the hotel.

ALL: Who did?

-(beat) And I've seen him around again.

ALL: Who?

-Out in the woods by the orchard.

ALL: ...

BUFFY: Shoot me now.

SPIKE: Would that I could.

-They look at Estes...Is he telling the truth?

Estes -

I can't remeber his name, but I don't forget a face.

(beseeching) I can show you...

They stare a beat -

XANDER: ...then start to panic when Estes' hands fall to his zipper.

OTHERS: AHHH!

-Will -

How do we know you're not setting us up?

WILLOW: (as Estes) You don't. Neener neener neener.

-Estes -

Where else you gonna go, son?

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Well, yeah, you're right. There's nothing to do but follow the crazy old guy, who's into voodoo, and stealing. Let's follow him into the dark, rainy, night, where who knows what waits for us, who knows where.

SPIKE: Sounds like a plan.

-They look to the office, the gym...The sense of death surrounding them.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Do you like my new perfume? It's called, 'Sense of Death'.

XANDER: (as Karla) Mmm! Can I have some.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Most likely you'll stink of it soon enough.

XANDER: (as Karla) Cool!

-Karla -

I know I don't want to stay in here.

BUFFY: Wah, wah. Big baby.

-Julie -

We'll be better off in the open. If we stick together, maybe we can kill this creep for good.

SPIKE: (as Estes) Hey!

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, sorry, not you, Estes.

-Tyrell -

Show us.

They begin moving for the door.

SPIKE: But then they realize how stupid they're being. They knock Estes to the floor, tie him up and lock themselves in their room until help comes.

-CUT TO:

EXT. FERRY DOCKS - NIGHT

Establish. The rain pounds a fleet of fishing boats.

XANDER: (as rain) Take that, fishing boats! Take that!

-The boats are securely battened down in the weather.

Ray limps past, heading for a small building at the end of the dock. Its sign reads: Island Ferry, Jack Paulsen - proprieter.

XANDER: Break. I call break.


	5. I Still Know (part 5)

**Title:** _I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer_ an MST of _I Still Know What You Did Last Summer  
_**Author:** sinecure  
**Summary:** An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first one, _I Know What They Parodied Last Summer_, and it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.  
**Disclaimer:** The movie they're riffing on-_I Still know What You Did Last Summer_-and the shows _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ (in case I mention stuff from there), and _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, don't belong to me. I'm show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics.  
**A/N:** I sort of liked this movie... well, not much, but all the riffing and jokes and such are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in it and so is Riley. And that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
**A/N:** This was transcribed by someone else, I found it and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, I changed no wording or phrasing, fixed no spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors; they all belong to the transcriber. If he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.

* * *

They stood and stretched, wandering off in different directions. Buffy stretched her back and arms, doing a few squats to relieve the cramping in her legs and the numbness in her ass.

Willow joined her, stretching as well. "Hey." She yawned and slumped against the wall. "Who knew sitting was so tiring?"

Buffy chuckled then caught Spike watching them and rolled her eyes. He was ridiculously predictable. "See, that's why school should be held in swings."

Xander left the room for a few minutes and by the time he returned, they were all ready to get back to it, albeit reluctantly.

* * *

-CUT TO:

INT. PAULSEN'S BOAT HOUSE - NIGHT

A gear-strewn office. Paulsen watches an episode of Party of Five.

BUFFY: (false laugh) Oh, I get it, ha ha. The Perky Pest of Persia was on that show... isn't that neat? Ha ha.  
OTHERS: (laugh falsely)

-There is a loud KNOCKING at the door.

Paulsen -

What the...

WILLOW: (as Paulsen) ... who could that be? I don't know anyone.

-Paulsen slowly gets up. He cracks

SPIKE: ...his head on the shelf above him, and falls over dead. The end.  
OTHERS: Yay.

-the door open.

ALL: Aww.

-Ray stands silhouetted against the rain.

Ray -

I need to get to Tower Bay Island.

Paulsen senses something isn't right.

XANDER: (as Paulsen) Something isn't right. I sense that.

-Paulsen -

We're closed.

BUFFY: (as Paulsen) ...to doofuses... es... s.  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Doofuses is right.

-Ray pushes his way in -

Ray -

I need to get there, now.

Paulsen looks at him standing there drenched.

SPIKE: (as Paulsen) Oh, good, you're a guy. I thought you were just a really ugly woman.

-Paulsen -

Did you happen to notice what's going on outside?

Ray pulls out the gun and points it at Paulsen -

Ray -

I'm not looking for a weather report, I'm looking for a

XANDER: (as Ray, effeminately) ...pretty little pink sun dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of matching pumps. Do you have that? Hmm?

-boat. So which one's yours?

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS TRAIL - NIGHT

Estes, Will, Tyrell, Julie, and Karla walk along a trail through the heart of the island. The storm has abated for a few minutes.

WILLOW: How convenient.

-It's windy, dark, and spooky. The kind of place you'd take people if you wanted to scare them with a classic ghost story. That is just what Estes is doing.

BUFFY: (as Estes) ...so the old woman was forced to leave... (pause for effect) _without_ the half-off black purse.  
OTHERS: (gasp in horror)

-Estes -

He worked here for many years. He had a nice family. A pretty wife and two little ones. A boy and a girl. They'd be about your age, now.

XANDER: (as Julie) Ooo! Can we play with them? We don't have very many friends.

-They continue along the path.

Estes looks at them in the dark, slowing for just a second.

SPIKE: (as Estes) Wow! You are all very ugly. Did you know that?  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Uh-huh!  
BUFFY: (as Karla) Yep!  
XANDER: (as Tyrell) Oh, yeah!  
WILLOW: (as Will) Definitely!

-Estes - (cont'd)

One day his wife went missing. Maid found blood all over the honeymoon suite - Room 201.

There are strange NOISES out in the woods.

XANDER: Coo. Coo.  
BUFFY: Cock-a-doodle-doo.  
SPIKE: Roar.  
WILLOW: Moo.

-Estes - (cont'd)

Eventually, they found her body. Pieces. A leg in the swamp. An arm washed up on Three Mile Beach. (beat) And the head they found much later.

SPIKE: (sits forward eagerly) It's killin' time.

-A huge branch is blown from a tree and comes crashing down

WILLOW: ...on Julie's head, killing her instantly.

-through the underbrush, scaring them.

ALL: AHHH!

-Estes calmly steps around it.

BUFFY: (as Estes) Wimps.

-Estes - (cont'd)

Careful -

BUFFY: (as Estes) ...Julie sometimes bites. Don't get too close to her.

-Julie - (softly)

Did he do it?

SPIKE: (as Estes) Well, duh, he had two children, didn't he?

-Estes -

People say she was running around on him. People say he caught her in bed with other men.

WILLOW: (as Estes) People say she ate chicken.  
BUFFY: (as Estes) People say he liked shoes.  
XANDER: (as Estes) People say he was hairy.  
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and-  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: You guys want me to join in on your little jokes, then I'm doing them my way. Got it?  
OTHERS: (shrug)  
SPIKE: (as Estes) People say she wanted him to dress up in tights, and hang from the ceiling fan.

-People say a lot of things. (beat) He disappeared, taking the two small ones with him. At least they were never found.

The winding path leads to a small orchard. They hang on his every

XANDER: ...nose hair.  
OTHERS: ...  
WILLOW: And the randomness strikes again.

-word.

Estes - (cont'd)

We're here.

In the center of the orchard is a cemetery.

They move off the path into the safety of the woods.

BUFFY: Yes, they're completely safe with the strange noises that were coming from there. Here's hoping a wild bear gets them.  
WILLOW: Bear? In the Bahamas?  
BUFFY: (unfazed) Yep.

-There seems to be activity around the place. It's silent and eerie.

XANDER: Um, isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?  
BUFFY: No, it's a paradox.  
SPIKE: No it's not, it's irony.  
WILLOW: No, it's a contradiction.

-Julie stares, fascinated. She is slowly drawn toward the house.

BUFFY: House? What house?

XANDER: (pointing) That one.

BUFFY: Oh.

-Karla grabs for her arm.

Karla -

Be careful, Julie.

WILLOW: (as Karla) The house might bite you. Bad house! Bad, bad house! Down boy!

-Julie -

I've got to see.

SPIKE: (as Julie) ...if they really did use green wallpaper with orange furniture.

-She leads, they follow, circling the house. Julie rounds a corner of the shack and stops. She sees -

ALL: AHHH!

-TWO TOMBSTONES

BUFFY: Oh, is that all?

-The first stone reads: SARAH WILLIS (birth/death)

The second stone reads: SUSIE WILLIS (birth/death)

Beyond them A FRESHLY DUG GRAVE and the group moves slowly toward it. The headstone, partially obscured by the mound of dirt, comes into view.

BUFFY: Suddenly, a hand breaks through the mound, reaching out for Julie's ankle. It snags her, dragging her toward the hole it's digging out of. As it emerges, the vampire snaps Julie's neck, and drains her dry. The end!

OTHERS: (applaud)

-The third headstone reads:

ALL: Aww.

-Julie James born September 6, 1979 died July 4, 1998

XANDER: Ben knows the date of Julie's birth and death, but not his own wife and daughter's?

-"A Lying Whore"

SPIKE: Well most whores do lie down. It's sort of in their job description... though, of course, lying down isn't a necessity.

WILLOW: ...and we're moving on.

-"A Lying Whore" is scratched with a knife.

XANDER: Why? Did the killer make a mistake, and try to scratch it out?

BUFFY: Yeah, he meant to say, 'A lying bore'.

XANDER: Ohhh.

-Karla - (realizing)

BUFFY: (as Karla) Oh, God... I'm making a horrible career move by being in this piss-poor movie.

-...Today's July fourth.

BUFFY: (as Karla) And that too.

-Will goes to comfort Julie -

Julie -

I'm not dying on this island, Will. (louder) Do you hear me?

SPIKE: Of course he does, he's right there, you stupid bint!

-Julie shouts into the darkness.

Julie - (cont'd)

You want me, Ben Willis? Come and get me. I'm right here.

XANDER: Likes to yell, doesn't she?

-She kicks over her headstone -

WILLOW: (as Estes) Hey, quit that! I'm the one who has to clean this crap up!

-Julie - (cont'd)

My grave stays empty!

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...well, you know, for now. Obviously someday I'll die, but... for now it stays empty! Ha!

-She looks defiantly down the path.

XANDER: (as Julie) So there! Nyah!

-Karla -

Julie, the boats are gone, the phones are down. There's no way off this place.

Julie -

Then, we fight -

BUFFY: (as Julie, singing) ...for our right! To paaaaaaaaaar-tay!

-Will looks around. Estes is gone.

Will -

Where'd Estes go?

Tyrell -

What is up with that

WILLOW: (as Tyrell) ...hairdo Estes has? Did ya see the blue spikes and the pink swirls?

-weirdo?

Will -

I'll go find him.

Karla -

Why? He can't help us.

SPIKE: (as (Karla) ...get to Funky Town.

WILLOW: Can't tell we're nearing the end of this stupid thing.

XANDER: Nope.

BUFFY: Not at all.

-Will -

He's probably the only one who can help us.

Tyrell -

I'll come with you.

Karla -

Are you crazy? We're not staying here on our own.

BUFFY: (as Karla) We might wander off, or get lost.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Someone might kidnap us... we're not old enough to be on our own.

BUFFY: (as Karla) We'll cry.

WILLOW: (as Julie) And pout.

-Will -

It's okay. He couldn't have gone far. I'll catch up with you later.

Will disappears into the darkness.

XANDER: (as Julie, gasps) It's magic! (as himself, to the others) Getting old yet?

SPIKE: Only after the first two times.

-Karla -

Maybe we should just wait here? Hide in a tree?

ALL: ... sure.

-Tyrell -

I'm not hiding up no tree. (to Julie) I'm with her. Let's arm ourselves to the teeth and kick this psycho's butt.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT

They move cautiously into the kitchen. Blue emergency lights flicker above them. It's a big room with plenty of nooks and crannies for somebody to be hiding in.

XANDER: (as Julie) Go away, Karla, this is _my_ cranny. Find your own!

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Go away, Karla, this is _my_ nook. Find your own!

-Tyrell picks up a couple of different knives. He hefts them in his hand.

WILLOW: ...accidentally dropping them on his foot, sending him reeling backwards, knocking over Julie, who crashes into Karla, who hits the stove, which turns on. Her breath blows out the flame, and they all pass out. Later, when Will comes back to find them, he lights a match and blows them all up. The end!

OTHERS: Nice.

-Tyrell -

What I need is a gun. Not a steak knife.

Karla grabs a paring knife -

Tyrell - (cont'd)

You gonna clean vegetables? You gonna stir-fry? You need something that'll get his attention.

SPIKE: (Karla, punches Ty in the face) How's that? Will that work?

BUFFY: (as Tyrell) Mnphh... mphhnm.

SPIKE: (as Karla) I'll take that as a yes.

-He picks up a huge butcher's knife and cuts the air with it.

XANDER: (as air) Ow.

-He then roughly empties other drawers looking for more weapons.

Karla looks to Julie, something on her mind. Julie catches the look.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Got your look!

-Karla - (hurt)

I'm your best friend...You could have told me the truth about what happened. I would've understood.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Do you really think I'd care that you killed a man, dumped his body in the water, and then realized he was still alive, and dumped him anyway?

BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm so sorry, Karla... I'll be sure to tell you the next time I kill someone.

-Julie - (sad)

Karla, I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I didn't want to involve anybody else.

Karla -

It's too late for that.

Julie steps over to Karla.

SPIKE: ...and slugs her. (as Julie) Bitch.

-Julie -

I'm so sorry. I brought this on everyone. It's my fault.

ALL: Duh!

-Tyrell picks up on the mood swing. He moves closer to them.

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Come here, ladies... group hug. Aww, there we go. Now group kisses... right. Now group sex.

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)

-He's sympathetic.

Tyrell -

Forget that. You didn't do nothing. This fisherman's a piece of scum. (hard for him to admit) I should've been listening to you...I'm sorry.

Julie smiles for a second.

BUFFY: ...then shoves her knife into Tyrell's stomach. (as Julie) Jerk.

-Tyrell - (cont'd)

Now, let's take a look at the pantry.

Karla -

You think that's a good place to hide?

Tyrell -

I don't know, but I'm starving.

XANDER: See? I'm not the only one who eats when they're nervous.

-CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Will runs from the trees and finds himself by an old house. He sees Estes by the ocean, near a boat.

WILLOW: ...with a fish, by the sea, on the sand, around a beach.

-Will -

Hey Estes. (beat) Estes? Where'd you go?

BUFFY: Will's a bright one.

-Estes doesn't answer right away - he keeps his back to Will.

Will - (cont'd)

You abandoning us? How come you didn't tell us you had a boat?

BUFFY: (as Estes) Because I don't like you. You're a bunch of snotty kids.

-Estes picks up the boat's oar. He speaks low, almost inaudibly.

Estes -

This has to end. Now.

SPIKE: (as Estes) No more Backstreet Boys, no more N'Sync... it ends now.

OTHERS: YAY!

-Will -

What - ?

SPIKE: (as Estes) I said...

-Estes swings the oar, cracking Will's head hard.

ALL: Yeah!

-SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT

Tyrell, Julie, and Karla approach the pantry - a huge steel door.

WILLOW: The pantry is a huge steel door?

XANDER: Bet it doesn't keep the food too fresh.

-INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Tyrell steps inside.

Tyrell -

Steel door...Food...Perfect.

He starts looking for something to eat -

XANDER: (as Tyrell) Nutterbutters... limburger cheese, tofu. Mmm, sounds like a sandwich to me.

-CLANK. There's a soft CLATTERING from somewhere in the room. Everyone freezes, staring into the darkness.

BUFFY: (as director) All right! That's it! Arnold, get your big ole Austrian butt out of here now! Go... shoo, leave.

XANDER: (as Arnold) Fine! But... I'll be back.

-Tyrell puts a finger to his lips, then creeps down an aisle,

listening. There's nothing but SILENCE.

He moves toward the first aisle...He jumps out. The aisle is empty.

JULIE AND KARLA move down an aisle behind him.

Tyrell ducks around to the second aisle. He slices the air,

XANDER: (as air) Ow.

-ready to pounce. This aisle is empty.

JULIE AND KARLA nervously move another aisle down.

WILLOW: (as Julie, whispering) I don't see any sign of Mr. Whipple. How about you? Any sign of Madge?

BUFFY: (as Karla, whispering) No, no sign of her... but there's Martha Raye, and she's gaining on us!

-Tyrell moves stealthily toward the third aisle...This is it. He lunges forward into the row...Empty, also.

There's a small SOUND...A MOUSE scampers off under the shelves. Tyrell turns and smiles at Karla and Julie -

Tyrell -

It's just a -

SPIKE: (as Tyrell) ...serial kill with a huge, bloody hook scampering around. Don't worry about it.

-A ROLLING PIN bashes him on the back of the head.

ALL: Yay!

-Tyrell hits the floor, unconscious.

JULIE AND KARLA SCREAM

ALL: AHHH!

-Karla -

Ty!

A DARK FIGURE jumps down from the shelves. Tyrell puts his arms up -

XANDER: Wow, that's quite the animated unconscious person there.

-Tyrell - (yelling for mercy)

Don't kill me -

WILLOW: (as Tyrell, as Chef) ...make sweet love to me.

-Julie -

Wait, it's Nancy -

Nancy, the bartender steps out of the shadows brandishing her rolling pin.

XANDER: (as Nancy) Time to make the donuts.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT

Tyrell stands at the sink, where Karla holds a towel full of ice to his head. Nancy, the bartender, looks on apologetically.

Nancy -

I'm sorry, but you could've been the one doing all of this -

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, we are... die, Nancy! Die!

-Tyrell -

And so could you - crazy fool.

WILLOW: (as Nancy) Oh, I am... die, everybody! Die!

-Nancy -

You stumbled into my hiding place.

Tyrell -

Must have missed the sign.

Nancy -

Excuse me, but this island didn't have a murder rate until you people showed up. (chilled) I've never seen

SPIKE: (as Nancy) ...Estes shirtless before... it was really kinda gross.

-a dead body before.

Julie -

Get used to it.

Nancy -

Who's doing this?

Tyrell - (friendly)

Don't even get her started...

XANDER: (as Tyrell) ...she keeps raving about a big purple dinosaur that hangs around kids all day singing sappy songs. Just ignore her... that's what we do.

-It's a long, long story and you probably wouldn't believe a word of it.

Tyrell moves as he talks,

WILLOW: (as Julie, gasps) How do you do that, Tyrell? I can't walk and move at the same time. I fall down.

-fed up and exhasted.

WILLOW: I get exhasted a lot these days... I'm gettin' older and stuff... but I'm not going to worry about it until I start getting exhausted.

-He crosses past the stove and under a huge hanging rack of pots and pans.

Tyrell - (cont'd)

I mean, all I know for sure is this is the worst vacation of my life...I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I personally haven't seen one damn psycho killer...

THWACK! A STEEL HOOK sinks deep into the base of Tyrell's shaved skull, a look of abject surprise on his face.

SPIKE: (as Julie) Hey, Ty! There's a psycho killer behind you. Made you look!

XANDER: (as killer) Excuse me, I prefer the term, 'Sanely Challenged', thank you very much.

-The women freeze as Tyrell dances like a marionette before being

hoisted up and hung on the rack like a used saucepan.

THE FISHERMAN is in the vent above the stove. He stares out at them from the hood of his slicker.

BUFFY: (as killer) Peek-a-boo! I see you...

-Ben jumps from the range onto the floor. Karla is in shock. Julie yanks her

WILLOW: ...arm, ripping it out of her socket. (as Julie) Oops! Tee hee.

-and they flee.

As she goes, Julie picks up A LOOSE KNIFE and hides it in her back pocket.

BUFFY: (as Julie, running away) Ow... ow... ow... ow... poking my butt... ow... ow... ow... ow.

-CUT TO:

EXT. OFFSHORE ON FERRY - NIGHT

Ray pilots the boat through the dark, choppy water.

SPIKE: ...then accidentally runs into the shore, and drowns. Aww. The end.

-He's navigating by compass, maps spread before him. He sees something off the bow -

WILLOW: (as Ray, singing) I hate you, you hate me, we're a dysfunctional family, with a punch and a smack, and a hit from me to you, I can't stand that purple goo. (no longer singing) Hey, what- ahhhh! Barney, no!

-A BOAT drifting on the fast sea. The words "Tower Bay" are painted on the side. Ray pulls alongside and discovers the boat is empty.

He reaches for the radio.

BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, hello? Someone? Hi, um, yes, I found an empty boat that needs help, stat!

-Ray - (into radio)

Come in...This is Summer Breeze

BUFFY: (fake laughing) Oh, ha ha, another in-joke. The song Summer Breeze was in the first movie, and on the soundtrack. Get it? Get it?

OTHERS: (laugh pathetically)

-requesting emergency assistance for Tower Bay island. I repeat...This is Summer Breeze...

Ray guns the boat away.

WILLOW: (as Ray) Ooo, look, shiny things!

-SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL FOYER - NIGHT

Julie, Karla, and Nancy run into the lobby.

SPIKE: ...and then, after recovering from multiple contusions and concussions, they open the doors and run through them instead.

-The storm is WAILING outside the front doors.

BUFFY: (as storm) WAAAH! I don't wanna be in this movie! WAAAH!

-They pause for a second. Behind them we hear the rapid THUD-THUD-THUD of Ben's boots.

XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, hell, hold on a sec, guys, I need to tie my boots.

-Nancy goes straight to a desk and pulls out a flashlight. She points to the main staircase.

Nancy -

I know where we can hide.

BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...there are some beds upstairs, we can huddle under them. Come on, let's go!

-INT. HOTEL STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS

The women run up the stairs. Behind them, we hear Ben's FOOTFALLS

echoing.

XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, Christ, these stupid laces! Be right with you guys. Don't go too far.

-INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

On the top floor, they race toward the end of a dark hallway.

WILLOW: ...and run smack into it.

SPIKE: (as Julie) Ow.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ouch.

XANDER: (as Nancy) Damn that hurt.

-At the far end of the hall, Nancy illuminates a section of the

ceiling.

BUFFY: ...with her handy-dandy laser eyes.

XANDER: (pouts) I still want some of those.

-Nancy -

Give me a boost up -

Julie helps Nancy reach a pull cord in the ceiling.

A WOODEN LADDER pulls down.

XANDER: ...smacking her in the head.

WILLOW: (as Nancy) Ow.

-Nancy quickly climbs up.

SPIKE: ...pulling the ladder up with her, stranding the others downstairs.

BUFFY: Sounds like something you'd do, Spike.

SPIKE: (innocently) Me? Never.

-BEN WILLIS enters the hallway and continues toward them.

XANDER: (as Ben) Ah, there you are. Thought I'd never get these stupid laces tied... I almost lost you. Now, where were we? Oh, right, the killing. Die, Julie! Die!

-ON THE LADDER Karla slips, nearly knocking Julie to the floor. They both scramble upwards -

Ben hits the ladder -

WILLOW: ...with a piece of silly string and a feather.

-Just as Julie reaches the top rung she SCREAMS -

ALL: AHHH!

BUFFY: (yelling) Why are we screaming? AHHH!

WILLOW: I don't know! AHHH!

BUFFY: Ok! AHHH!

-BEN'S HOOK IS ON HER FOOT!

ALL: AHHH!

SPIKE: Oh, wait, that's a good thing.

XANDER: You're right, Martha Stewart, it _is_ a good thing.

SPIKE: (to Xander) Call me Martha Stewart again, and I will withstand however much pain I need to withstand to kill you.

WILLOW: And I'll help.

BUFFY: Ditto. Martha's way evil-er than Spike.

-Nancy appears in the opening and throws a brick down at Ben.

XANDER: Um, show of hands, how many people have bricks in their attics?

OTHERS: ...

XANDER: That's what I thought.

-It hits him in the chest and knocks him back.

WILLOW: Well of course, plot contrivances usually do.

-Julie makes it into the attic.

WILLOW: I hope so, otherwise that whole plot contrivance was for nothing.

-They pull the ladder up behind them like a drawbridge.

XANDER: Halt! Who goes there?

INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT

Julie, Karla, and Nancy surround the hatch they've just shut. They fumble with it -

WILLOW: (as announcer) It's the first and ten, not much time left in this game. Can our heroes pull off a miracle, or will they dash their hopes on the field along with so many other losers?

-Julie -

There's no way to lock it.

XANDER: Well, damn the builders for not realizing serial killers could be attacking poor, helpless, defenseless women in there.

BUFFY: (to Xander) You like saying that don't you? The helpless thing?

XANDER: Makes me feel all manly.

-Karla -

What do we do?

BUFFY: (as Julie) Guess we die.

-From below comes LAUGHTER. There's a tug on the hatch, cracking it open. The girls pull it back shut, but it's hard to get a grip.

There's more tugging, the hatch bending down; they can see Ben. Then, the rope SNAPS. The hatch slams shut.

Nancy -

There's no way to grip this thing.

Suddenly the STEEL TIP of the HOOK pokes through the crack...

SPIKE: (as Ben) Here, let me help you with that.

-It wriggles around...Turning...And begins to pull the hatch down.

They try to hold it...But it's no use. They let go and jump away.

The attic is lit by a cathedral window. It's crosshatched with wooden beams and pink insulation.

XANDER: (as Julie) Damn you, Pink Panther! You have foiled me for the last time!

-Nancy -

Watch your step...

THUNK!

BUFFY: (as Nancy, exasperated) I told you to watch your step, Julie!

WILLOW: (as Julie) I did. I watched as I tripped and went flying into that wooden beam.

-Karla's foot goes through a gap between two beams.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT

KARLA'S FOOT dangles through the ceiling.

SMASH BACK TO:

INT. HOTEL ATTIC - NIGHT

XANDER: Ahh! Rapid scene change. Make it stop!

-Julie helps Karla back up onto a beam.

Nancy - (cont'd)

Stay on the beams!

SPIKE: (as Karla) Gee, thanks, Nancy, I was planning on stepping off again... whew! Thank God you were here to set me straight.

-Karla and Julie follow her precarious progress.

Ben climbs off the ladder to a beam. He watches them leap from beam to beam. His hook glints in the light.

Julie, Karla, and Nancy move toward the cathedral window. They turn. They are cut off. They spread out against the wall

XANDER: (as Julie) Quick! Press back against the wall, and close your eyes! If you can't see him, he can't see you!

-looking for an opening to get back to the hatch.

Ben feints toward Nancy then swipes at Julie -

He misses. She leaps away. She looks down. Instead of insulation, she sees a WINDOW INTO THE HONEYMOON SUITE. She sees her bed through a one-way mirror. Julie stares, momentarily transfixed.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, look at that couple going at it like wild- Will? Ray?

-Karla is edging her way around the side of Ben.

Ben - (re: the mirror)

You'd be amazed by what you'd see. My wife with every man on the

island, for example. (to Julie) And you, sexy...I loved watching you.

XANDER: (as Ben) ...as you scratched you butt, and picked your nose.

-Julie -

You sick freak.

XANDER: (as Ben) Me? Hey, I'm not the one who danced around the room singing Britney Spears songs... you freak!

-Ben suddenly whirls and lunges at Karla. He grabs her, but they both lose their balance, teetering for a moment on one of the beams, before falling -

ALL: Yay!

-They CRASH through the mirror -

ALL: Yay!

-INT. HOTEL - KARLA AND TYRELL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Karla and Ben hit the bed in a rain of glass.

Karla bounces to her feet and dives out of the way as Ben swings his hook.

ALL: Boo! Hiss!

-EXT. ROOM BALCONY - NIGHT

Karla backs onto the porch. She backs up against the railing.

SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.

-CUT TO:

EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT

Julie and Nancy reach the CATHEDRAL WINDOW. They open it and look out.

SPIKE: (chanting) Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.

-EXT. ROOM BALCONY - JULIE'S POV - NIGHT

and Ben advancing toward Karla, whose back is against the railing.

Karla looks behind her, sees THE GLASS ROOF OF THE ORCHID HOUSE which doesn't look nealy strong enough to suppor her.

WILLOW: (laughs, then falls silent)

XANDER: (to Buffy) We've lost her.

BUFFY: (reaches past Spike to pat Willow's knee) She'll be fine in a bit. I hope.

SPIKE: (laughs at Willow)

-Ben advances, swining the hook.

WILLOW: (giggling) Swining...

-Karla leaps over the railing and onto the glass.

ALL BUT WILLOW: Yay!

-EXT. GREENHOUSE ROOF - NIGHT

Karla keeps a wary eye on Ben as she gingerly backs up on the glass.

SPIKE: Damn, can't this girl die?

WILLOW: (giggles) Supergirl.

SPIKE: O_O

-The GLASS begins CRACKING, subtle crack lines splintering out from her footsteps.

Ben lunges and swipes at her with his hook.

Karla leans away from the attack and loses her balance, slipping onto her back on the glass.

She lifts her head. Starts to move...CRACK.

SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...

-The glass is fracuring

WILLOW: (sniggers) I fracured my arm when I was five.

-beneath her. She looks through the glass.

KARLA'S POV - THE ORCHIDS BELOW

She tries to slide toward a support...The glass CREAKS and MOANS as she moves across the room.

SPIKE: (anticipating) Yes...

-Karla - (to herself)

Oh, god, no -

XANDER: (as Karla) ...please don't let that be Ray I see down there. Anyone but Ray.

-She's almost to the support when

THE ROOF EXPLODES taking Karla down into the orchid house.

SPIKE: Yes!

WILLOW: Scoooore!

-INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT

The roof shatters in an explosion of flying glass. Karla land

BUFFY: Karla land... is that like Disneyland?

-on her back.

She's unconsious -

SPIKE: One would hope so. Unconscious with death preferably.

WILLOW: It'd probably be better if she was unconscious, rather than unconsious... probably.

-CUT TO:

INT. ATTIC WINDOW - NIGHT

Julie and Nancy look at the empty space which once was a roof

supporting Karla -

Julie - (screaming)

Karla!

Ben turns and looks up at Nancy and Julie. Then, he sprints from the balcony.

XANDER: ...winning first place in the fifty-yard dash.

-Julie and Nancy duck back into the attic.

WILLOW: Quack.

BUFFY: (frowns) Willow, you ok?

WILLOW: (nods) Uh-huh. Peachy keen.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Julie and Nancy climb down into the hallway. They are cautious,

expecting Ben at every turn.

XANDER: ...not realizing that Ben has a short attention span. Not to mention, he's already left the island to go kill more interesting people.

-INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

They hurry across the lobby.

CUT TO:

INT. ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT

A sprawling, steam-filled room, dense with vegetation of all sorts and shelf after shelf of beautiful orchids.

Karla lies unconscious. Slowly, she opens her eyes.

SPIKE: What is she, immortal or something? Die already, Christ.

-There's a rustling in the flowers. She tries to get up, but can't yet. She waits in terror as BIRDS fly up and out of the hole she's made in the roof.

WILLOW: Ahh! The Birds! Alfred Hitchcock, no!

-Karla tries to stand and her leg gives way. She tests her knee -

BUFFY: (as Karla) Now, knee... what is two times two? Who's the president? How many fingers am I holding up?

-Karla -

Oww...

Karla starts hobbling. She reaches the door - it's locked from the other side.

There is a thick glass window set in the middle of the door.

XANDER: ...so it's a glass door? And that was hard to say, why?

-The cranes startle again, something upsetting them. Karla spins to look. Nothing.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT

Julie and Nancy arrive at the door. Karla pounds on the other side - points to the lock.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Look, shiiiiiny!

-Karla -

It's locked!

Nancy sees a KEY RING by the door.

XANDER: The hotel just leaves key rings all over for anyone to pick up and use?

SPIKE: Sure.

-Nancy -

It's gotta be one of these.

Nancy tries the first of many keys. Something catches Julie's eye. She moves in for a closer look. Her eyes go wide -

ORCHID HOUSE - JULIE'S POV

A powerful BOLT OF LIGHTNING cracks. Fills the room with a pulse

WILLOW: It's alive! Alive!

-of bright light. BEN IS STANDING INSIDE AND HE'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR KARLA.

XANDER: Ok, ok! No need to yell it.

-Julie - (terrified)

He's inside.

WILLOW: (singing) The lunatic is in my head.

-Karla spins. Sees him. Her terrified scream blends with the cranes, now SHRIEKING VIOLENTLY.

Karla -

Please! Hurry!

SPIKE: (as Nancy, laughs) Nope, sorry, gonna pretty much take my time.

-INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT

Nancy fumbles with the keys. Drops them. Julie tries to keep calm.

BUFFY: (as Julie, muttering to herself) Calm down... find inner peace. Breathe in... breathe out... scream in... scream out...

-Julie -

Come on...

INT. HOTEL/ORCHID HOUSE - NIGHT

Ben closes fast, slicing the tops off orchids as he goes. He skewers a bud on the tip of his hook.

XANDER: (as Ben) Die, flowers! Die!

WILLOW: (as Karla) Oh, my, God! He's massacring the flowers... I think I'm gonna puke.

-Karla pounds on the door.

Karla - (frantic)

Hurry!

SPIKE: If she doesn't die this time-

XANDER: Yeah, she's got more lives than a house full of cats.

-Nancy fumbles for the right key but the lock is old.

Julie -

Nancy...

BUFFY: (as Julie) ...while Karla's stuck in there with the killer, and we're trying to free her, but probably won't be able to get her out... I just wanted to tell you... I really don't like you.

-Nancy - (crying)

It's jammed!

The key is stuck.

XANDER: Hey, writer guy, could you possibly drag this out any longer?

-Karla - (through glass)

Come on!

XANDER: We know how you feel, Karla.

-She's running out of time. Julie sees a FIRE AXE encased in the glass safety box.

Julie - (determined)

No way!

WILLOW: No way? No way, what? Can she just plain not believe the whole stupid situation? No way is she going to use the axe? What?

SPIKE: No way is she going to let Ben get Karla, Julie's going to kill her first.

BUFFY: I think it means, no way is she going to let this movie end.

WILLOW: (shudders) The Neverending I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

XANDER: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

-Julie smashes the glass with her elbow. Grabs the axe.

Julie - (to Nancy)

Move!

SPIKE: (as Julie) THUNK! Um, never mind. Sorry, Nancy.

-Julie hammers the door with the axe. Wood splinters. Glass cracks.

Ben is almost on top of Karla now.

XANDER: (as Ben) Gimme a kiss, baby!

-Julie swings. The axe breaks the glass, pulls the frame out. Julie drops the axe. They grab Karla. Pull her through.

SPIKE: (growls)

-Ben swings. The hook rips Karla's shoe, but Julie and Nancy pull her through.

Julie and Ben are face to face. Julie has the axe in her hands. She stares him down.

BUFFY: (as Julie) You look like you need a shave, Ben, come a little closer.

-Julie -

Come on, gimme a shot -

Ben rips off his hook, eyeing Julie.

Karla - (shouting)

Julie, come on.

XANDER: They save her butt for, what? The twentieth time, and she thanks them by yelling at them and ordering them around? How rude.

-They flee. Ben tries the door, realizes it had locked behind him. He can't fit through the circular window. He throws his shoulder against the door. And again. And again.

The door frame starts to give -

WILLOW: ...in to the pathetic-ness that is this movie.

-CUT TO:

EXT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT

Julie, Karla, and Nancy approach the iron door to the underground

storm cellar. Julie carries the axe.

SPIKE: Feeling a little power happy, Julie proceeds to axe murder Karla and Nancy, then herself. The end!

-Nancy -

It's over there.

They struggle together to open the heavy door.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Unh! Nancy put your back into it... heave.  
BUFFY: (as Nancy) I am! Julie's not helping at all.  
XANDER: (as Julie) What, and break a nail? No thank you!

-INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT

Stairs lead down into darkness. Karla hesitates -

Karla -

I don't know...

WILLOW: (as Karla) ...there might be spiders.  
SPIKE: (as Julie) You're right. THUNK! Now you don't have to worry about it. Nancy, you coming or staying?  
XANDER: (as Nancy) I'm going! I'm going!

-Julie -

Come on, you can make it.

Julie gets in, pulling Karla in behind her. They pull the door closed behind them.

Nancy -

There's a light somewhere.

BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...somewhere in the world, there's light. I just know it.

-INT. STORM SHELTER - NIGHT

The darkness is complete.

SPIKE: Too bad this movie isn't.

-We hear MOVEMENT.

XANDER: They turn the lights on, and are shocked to find themselves surrounded by legions of zombies. As they're ripped apart and torn to shreds, Julie manages to gasp out, 'I can't die... I'm the Perky Pest of Persia...' then, tragically, the movie ends and we all get out of this house.  
OTHERS: (wait expectantly)  
XANDER: (shrugs) It was worth a try.

-Karla -

Julie?

Julie -

I'm right here. Grab my hand.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! People might get the wrong idea.

-Nancy -

This place has emergency power. Just ease you way down the stairs

and I'll find the light.

Julie -

Okay. I'm at the bottom. Karla, just get my hand.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Ew, no! It's all sweaty and gross feeling.

-Karla -

I'm holding your hand!

Julie -

No, you're not.

Karla -

...Nancy?

WILLOW: (as Nancy) Present!

-Nancy pulls the chain on an overhead bulb. The lights go on,

illuminating THE DEAD CORPSES of Brooks, Derrick, Olga, and Titus - whose hand Karla is holding.

XANDER: (as Julie) Ewww, you and Titus are dating? Like, nasty, he's so oogie.

-The women SCREAM!

WILLOW/BUFFY: AHHH!

-They muddle together, trying to collect themselves.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Karla, I'll trade you a Tyrell for a Brooks.  
SPIKE: (as Karla) Hell, no. I want an Olga and a Brooks for Tyrell.  
WILLOW: (as Nancy) All I've got is a Will... don't suppose either of you want him?  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Most definitely not.  
SPIKE: (as Karla) Not on your life.

-Suddenly, there is a POUNDING on the iron door. They SCREAM.

ALL: AHHH!

-Then, Julie remembers the axe. She motions the others to stay back -

XANDER: (as Julie) It's all right... I've got an axe, and I'm prepared to hold it aloft, and threaten with it. Stay back.

-Julie -

All right -

The iron hatch is slowly opening. Julie gets the axe into possition -

WILLOW: (shakes her head) It's a sad day in the world when a good spell checker goes unused.

-WILL pokes his head through. He's clutching a piece of wood

BUFFY: (as Julie) Hey, Will, who's your friend?

-as a weapon.

XANDER: (as Will) Hey, Julie, trade ya.

-Will -

It's you guys, thank god. Is everyone okay?

They are ecstatic to see him. They bound up the concrete stairs -

Karla -

Help's here. Help's here.

BUFFY: (as Karla) Admittedly it's only Will, and he's only got a piece of wood, probably crumbling driftwood, as a weapon, and he's a big, huge wimp... but he's a man. And men are always much stronger than girls. Yay, help's here.

-EXT. HOTEL WALKWAY - NIGHT

Will is already on the move toward the hotel.

XANDER: (as Will) No, I'm not trying to lose you guys, you just, um, need to walk faster. That's all.

-Will -

Come on. We're gonna be okay.

Julie -

Did you get help?

Will shakes his head. He's walking woozily.

WILLOW: (as ad guy) The new Walking Woozily doll! It walks, it talks, it falls down and bleeds. Kids love it, and you will too! Available at stores that don't carry Martha Stewart stuff. Blood sold separately.

-Julie - (cont'd)

What happened?

Will -

Estes came after me with a gaffing hook.

XANDER: (as director) Cut! Cut! Where's that damn Gaffer? That's the third time this week he's let one of the actors use his tools to try to kill the other actors. He's fired!

-Julie -

He's in it with Willis?

Will -

I guess so.

SPIKE: (as Will) Sixty-year old porters are stronger than they look these days.

-Julie points out that his chest and stomach are covered in blood, too.

Julie -

Your stomach, you're hurt -

Will looks down, clutches himself, and keeps moving.

XANDER: (as Will) Oh, yeah, I forgot for a second. Um, wait... what's my motivation?

-Will -

When I was coming back I saw your slicker friend looking for you guys down by the water.

SPIKE: Why would he look down by the water? That makes no sense.  
WILLOW: Yeah, what's up with that?  
XANDER: Stupid killer.

BUFFY: ...

-(beat) Let's hurry and get inside...

BUFFY: (as Will) ...so we can dance the Macarena. I _love_ that dance!

-CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Ray guns the boat straight up onto the beach. He leaps from the boat.

XANDER: ...trips, falls, hits his head on the boat, knocking himself out, and landing face down in the water, where he drowns.  
WILLOW: That was beautiful, Xander.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

Will slumps down on the bar floor. He's floating in and out of

consciousness. Julie leans over him, concerned.

BUFFY: (as Julie) Will, don't you live on me! You've never given up on anything before in your life... you can do this! Die, Will! Die! Don't you give up and live! Don't you do it!

-Julie -

Oh, my god, you're bleeding to death.

ALL: Yay!

-She looks back towards Nancy -

WILLOW: (as Julie) Nancy, could you hurry him along a bit?

-Julie - (cont'd)

We need a first-aid kit.

SPIKE: (as Julie) Not a problem anymore. I just chopped off his head.  
BUFFY: (as Karla) Cool.

-Nancy - (already moving)

I saw one in the lobby.

Karla starts, then hesitates. Will moans, looks at her.

XANDER: (as Will, whines like a puppy) Woof?

-Nancy - (cont'd)

I'll come with you.

Will -

You'll be okay. It's over.

WILLOW: How is it over? The killer's still out there, all they have is Will for protection, and he's half dead.  
SPIKE: I guess it's over in the sense that... (shrugs) I got nothin'.

-Karla and Nancy rush from the bar. Julie looks tenderly at Will. He looks back at her. She pulls some hair off his forehead. He smiles weakly.

ALL: (make gagging noises)

-Julie -

Will, just hold on. We'll get you fixed up.

XANDER: (as Julie) If worse comes to worst, I can thread that fishing hook of Ben's and sew you right up.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

Karla and Nancy go to the area near the check-in and behind the desk.

Nancy -

Look up

BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...look down, look all around. Tee hee, I just love doing that.

-there. I'll look over here.

Karla looks behind the desk. Nancy is searching the shelves.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

Julie tenderly searches the area around Will's stomach. She's fussing with the clothes, looking for the wound.

Julie -

You've got blood everywhere, but I can't find the wound.

XANDER: (as Will) Yeah, that's 'cause I just smeared a bunch of blood on myself to make it look like I hadn't gone running off like a chicken. Actually, I hid, crying like a baby, then Estes came and tried to get me to leave, but I didn't want to-there's a serial killer out there, duh!-so, I beat him to death. Realizing how you might see that, I smeared his blood all over me, and came here to get pity, and play the hero.  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: (chuckles) The end?

OTHERS: (applaud)

-Will takes her head in his hands, looks her in the eye.

Will -

That's because it's not my blood.

XANDER: Ha! I was actually right? Will's a pansy.  
WILLOW: Well we always knew that.  
SPIKE: But now it's official.  
BUFFY: ...

-The slow change in Julie as she realizes...

BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh, my God! I left the stove on at home!

-She starts to run. Will roughly grabs her.

Will - (cont'd)

It's time you woke up, Julie.

SPIKE: Oh... oh... he's got balls after all?

-His voice switches to that of a familiar radio disk jockey.

Will - (cont'd) (as Mark in the Morning)

AND START CONTEMPLATING THE ULTIMATE MAGIC GETAWAY!

SPIKE: Will's a killer... well I'll be.

XANDER: Be what? (imitates a rim shot)

OTHERS: (roll their eyes)

-He drags her out of the bar.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

Nancy sees a white metal box sitting on a shelf. She reaches for it...It's a first aid kit.

ANOTHER HAND reaches over and lands on top of her hand.

WILLOW: (soft, hushed voice) Watch as the wild hand flits about, landing on other hands, and feeding off of flowers... it's beauty in it's most basic form.  
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) But the wild hand is being stalked by a South African grizzly... oh, crikey! The hand's spotted the grizzly, and is on the move. Now watch as the grizzly gives chase...  
SPIKE: Uh-huh.  
BUFFY: And we're moving on.

-She jumps and sees Estes right behind her. Karla SCREAMS.

Estes -

Will...He's in on it. He's -

BUFFY: (as Estes) ...currently dragging the Perky Pest somewhere to kill her. Quick, run for your lives in the opposite direction... anything, but for the love of God, don't save her!

-Suddenly Estes's expression changes to surprise, and A SPEAR TIP appears in the front of his chest.

XANDER: I hear spontaneous spear tips can hurt.

-Nancy screams and looks over Estes's shoulder to see BEN WILLIS standing there holding a spear gun.

Estes topples over on top of Nancy, pinning her underneath his dying, convulsing body. Nancy struggles to get loose.

Nancy -

Help me.

BUFFY: (as Nancy) ...take Estes clothes off and put make-up on him. When he wakes up, he'll be so embarrassed.

-Karla rushes to Nancy. She tugs on her arm,

XANDER: ...hoping she'll say one of her trademark phrases... but Nancy seems to be broken. (as Karla) Oh, well, guess I'll have to buy another Nancy Doll.

-trying to pull her free.

The fisherman strides toward them. He raises his hook. He swings at Karla's head.

SPIKE: Ok, this is it. Karla finally gets it. Die. Die.

-THE HOOK CATCHES on a beam. Karla struggle with Nancy.

SPIKE: Oh, come _on_! How many times can she escape death?  
WILLOW: How many times have you escaped with your... un-life?  
SPIKE: I'm a vampire. She's human.  
WILLOW: Buffy, how many times have you escaped death?  
BUFFY: I'm a Slayer. Stronger than the average Karla.  
WILLOW: (sighs) Xander?  
XANDER: (shrugs)  
WILLOW: Fine. No one gets my point... I'm not going to keep trying to prove it. But! I've escaped numerous times... a few at Spike's hands... even once from you Xander.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Xander tried to kill you?  
XANDER: (defensively) I was possessed by a hyena!  
SPIKE: (laughs) What, the bunnies refused to possess you?  
BUFFY: (sighs) Reading...

-Karla -

Come on, come on.

Ben tries to free his hook hand. Karla looks up at him. He calmly puts his foot onto Estes's back and steps down with all of his weight, driving THE SPEAR TIP deep into Nancy

XANDER: Oh, now that was just mean.  
SPIKE: Favorite character number-three?-gone.

-who expires with a sigh.

WILLOW: Well, her expiration date was up... says so right there on the bottom of her foot; 07-04-98

-Karla - (cont'd)

Damn you.

ALL: O_O  
BUFFY: Karla, watch your mouth! Those are some strong words.

-Karla, blind with rage, attacks the fisherman.

XANDER: (as Karla) Damn you, Gorton's! I hate you and your stupid fish sticks!

-He kicks out with a boot and sends Karla fying onto A GLASS TABLE in the lobby area. The table explodes. Karla is finished.

SPIKE: YES! Hallelujah! She is gone! Dead! Finished! Kaput!  
OTHERS: O_O

-The fisherman works his hook free from the post. Karla is unmoving and looks quite dead.

SPIKE: (almost giddy) Well, yeah, what with her _being_ dead and all.

-CUT TO:

EXT. WOOD TRAIL - NIGHT

Will pulls Julie along a muddy path in the rain. He's got her by the hair.

XANDER: (as caveman) Ugh! You my woman. Come to my cave... clean for me.

-She's slipping and falling.

Will -

Look at the bright side, Jules. We finally get to spend some quality time together.

WILLOW: (as Julie) Just what I've always wanted! More quality time with a serial killer. Oh, wait. I had that last year.

-Julie's trying to get to the knife she's stashed in her back pocket.

Julie -

Why are you doing this to me?

BUFFY: Yeah, why are you doing this to _her_? She's the only one left alive, everyone else on the island is dead, but why are you doing this to _her_?  
WILLOW: Yeah, what is the body count up to now?  
XANDER: Um, eight, I think. Derrick, Titus, Olga, Brooks, Tyrell, Estes, Nancy, Karla... that about right?  
BUFFY: Close enough.

-Will -

Me, me, me. It's always about you. I'm having bad dreams. I can't

sleep. I'm not doing well in school. I'm having trouble with my boyfriend.

BUFFY: I just said that. In different words, but close enough.

-Julie -

I trusted you.

SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes, and that's the immediate problem right now. Your broken trust.

-Will -

We had a connection, didn't we? I can tell you one thing, though. Ray didn't trust me. He was right. He's dead, but he was right.

XANDER: Hate to tell you this, Will, but... Ray's still crawling around some place.

-They come into the orchard. They are covered in mud. Julie stumbles again. Goes to her knees. Works the knife free and slashes up at Will. She slices him across the face.

He steps back, feels the blood.

Will - (cont'd)

What'd you have to do that for?

WILLOW: Probably because you're a killer, and she's your next victim? I could be wrong.  
BUFFY: I think she just likes men with scars.

-There is a creepy pause. Will stares at his own blood. She catches her breath...Then suddenly, Will knocks the knife from her hand. He lifts her by the hair. Enraged, he puches her

WILLOW: Oh, I hate being puched. It hurts.

-in the face. She goes down.

CUT TO:

EXT. ORCHARD - NIGHT

Will has Julie in a choke hold.

XANDER: Do you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what The Rock is cookin'?  
SPIKE: Hopefully Julie.  
WILLOW: Mmm, stewed Julie.  
BUFFY: Sounds nummy.

-He drags her toward the open graves. Julie is losing energy, slowly giving up.

SPIKE: And this is a bad thing, why?

-Julie -

...Why?

SPIKE: See? Even she doesn't know.

-Will -

Why?

XANDER: Ok, someone get these people some clues, or a script.

-Come on, Julie. Think. You'll get it. Will Benson - Ben's son.

ALL BUT BUFFY: Ooo!

XANDER: I didn't see that coming.  
WILLOW: Total surprise to me.  
SPIKE: Had no idea.  
BUFFY: ...saw the movie, remember?

-He shoves her. She falls backward into the arms of Ben Willis.

Will - (cont'd)

Hi, Dad.

XANDER: And I thought my family was dysfunctional.

-Julie WAILS, struggling wildly in Ben's grasp.

Julie -

OMIGOD -

BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, you two totally look like each other! If I didn't know better, I'd think you were twins. And you're both eligible, huh? I could _so_ go for a father/son thing.  
WILLOW Buffy. That was worthy of Spike.  
BUFFY: I think it's contagious.  
XANDER: (to Buffy) Save yourself, Buffy, save yourself before it's too late.

-Ben -

That's my boy.

Ben holds her back to look at her.

SPIKE: (as Ben) Well... you're not too homely, and you do have those big breasts... maybe we could work something out.

-He throws back the hood of his slicker. We see his face clearly for the first time.

Julie -

No, no, no -

XANDER: (as Julie) I've changed my mind... you're hideous. I can't do this, not with you, maybe just with your son though?

-Ben pulls off his hook and strokes Julie's cheek with his stump.

WILLOW: (as Ben) Nah, I think I want a piece of the Perky Pest. (as herself) Ack! Help me, guys! I'm turning into a pervert.  
SPIKE: (laughs) You've climbed down here enough times, why don't you stay this time?  
WILLOW: No.

-Ben -

Shush, now. No more screaming...No more running. Time to die.

Ray - (v.o.)

Let go of her! Now!

BUFFY: (as Julie, deadpan) Oh, yay, Ray's here. My hero.

-Ben and Will spin to see RAY like the hero from a western, step out from behind a tree.

SPIKE: ...where he'd been watching them torment and torture Julie for a full hour before stepping in to save her.

-Ben starts to laugh. Will joins him.

WILLOW: (as Will) Ha hahaha ha! Hahaha ha... why are we laughing, Dad? Hahaha ha. Hahahah haha ha.  
XANDER: (as Ben) Hahaha haha haha! I have no idea! Hahahahahaha haha. Haha. Ha.

-Will -

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Ben -

What're you gonna do, boy? Call us names?

BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, well... yeah. That was my plan. Why? You don't think it'll work? Should I maybe use this gun or something? But... it makes such a loud boom.

-Ray -

Let her go. Now.

Ray raises the .38 caliber handgun. He COCKS the hammer.

Ben doesn't let go of Julie. Lightning fast, he slaps his hook back on and gets the point to Julie's neck.

Ben -

Think about it, boy. You're no killer. (beat) That's my job.

XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, but you underestimate how much I hate Julie... I'll kill her! I will! Back off!  
WILLOW: (as Ben) Ok! Ok! Just don't kill her... wait a second! D'oh!

-Ray hesitates, his finger on the trigger. He does look scared.

Ben takes a step toward Ray. Then another, pushing Julie in front of him. Will moves closer, too.

Ray -

Stop right there.

BUFFY: (as Ben) Nope. We're going to walk you to death.

-Ray's finger squeezing down the trigger.

XANDER: (as Ray's finger) If you ain't got the guts, I'll do it! Wimp!

-Ben -

You don't have it in you.

XANDER: (as Ray) No, but my finger does!

-Suddenly, Will dives for Ray. Ray gets a shot off, tagging Ben in the shoulder. The gun goes flying.

Julie spins and hits Ben in the face. He knocks her into her own

grave...Mud begins to slide in on her. She tries to scramble out.

Will and Ray wrestle, punching each other repeatedly in the face.

SPIKE: What is this? Mud wrestling? Pictures... that's all I'm saying.  
XANDER: (eyes Spike) Of Will and Ray?  
SPIKE: (smacks Xander in the back of his head)  
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was stupid.  
SPIKE: (groans, in pain from the chip) Of Julie, you stupid-  
BUFFY: (helpfully) Bint?  
SPIKE: (sighs heavily) Git. I was going to say, 'git', as one does when talking about a man... well, a male anyway. Definitely not a man.

-Will has Ray down and his hands around his kneck.

WILLOW: Ow! My neck hurts just thinking about his kneck.

-He looks him in the eye.

Will -

We haven't missed you down here, Ray boy. I got to know Julie real well.

XANDER: (as Will) Yessiree... I whined and moaned about everything... moped, and stuff... she was totally digging me. Jealous yet?  
BUFFY: (as Ray, laughs and points)  
XANDER: (as Will) What? What's so funny? Dad, he's laughing at me! Make him stop!

-Will gets the better of Ray. He's stronger. He yanks him up - choking him. Ray is begging to check out.

WILLOW: (as Ray) Please, I just stayed a five extra minutes... I didn't mean to. Don't charge me for an extra day. That's the last time I stay at a Motel 6.

-Will - (cont'd)

Think of all the things I'm gonna do to her. (beat) Dad, finish him.

Ben charges toward Ray's back. He pulls back the hook for a roundhouse slashing -

At the last second, Ray dips,

SPIKE: ...Will, does a pirouette, a _plié_, and skips away on his tiptoes.  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: That was scary.  
SPIKE: (shrugs)

-elbows Will.

THE HOOK goes straight into Will's chest. The fisherman has hooked his own son. Father and son make final eye contact, the son's eyes go blank. Ben stares in shock as Will expires, falling back into the mud.

WILLOW: Oh, yep, now I see it. There's Will's expiration date, same as Nancy's. 07-04-98

-Ben SCREAMS in rage. Ray is tired.

BUFFY: (eyes alight) Random sentences!  
SPIKE: (groans) Do we have to?  
BUFFY: Yes!  
SPIKE: (grumbles some more) Fine. Will GASPS as he dies. Julie is a brunette.  
WILLOW: Nancy TALKS as she tends bar. Tyrell is bald.  
BUFFY: Olga SINGS as she cleans. Brooks is annoying.  
XANDER: Titus SMOKES weed. Estes is into voodoo.  
BUFFY: (sighs) It's just not the same anymore. We need to try harder next time!  
SPIKE: You were a cheerleader in a previous life, weren't you?  
XANDER: Yeah, as in before she came to Sunnydale.  
SPIKE: (shakes his head as if he isn't surprised)

-THWACK. Ben begins beating Ray. He puches him.

WILLOW: Again with the puching.

-He straight-arms him with the hook. He knocks him again and again

XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?  
XANDER: (as Ben) Knock-knock.  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Who's there?  
WILLOW: Ok, we get it. Ha ha. Funny.

-and Ray is beaten, giving up...

Ben has Ray against a tombstone. The hook slowly inches toward his eye.

Ben -

Gonna blind you first.

XANDER: Any particular reason...?  
SPIKE: Nah, sometimes it's just fun.  
XANDER: (leans away from Spike) Oh. Neat.

-The hook is touching the eyelid -

A GUNSHOT rings out. A look of wonder crosses Ben's face.

WILLOW: (as Ben, wonderingly) Wow... what was that loud booming noise and that pain in my back? I should've been using one of those isntead of this stupid hook all this time.

-He slowly turns away from Ray.

JULIE stands behind him holding the gun.

Julie -

Just...Die.

BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. She empties the gun

BUFFY: (as Ray) Um, ow, honey. That hurt... could you try to hit Ben only? Thanks.

-into Ben, who flies backward into Julie's grave.

As he tumbles, Ben releases the dirt stacked beside the grave...

A MUDDY LANDSLIDE slowly covers Ben up.

Ben's face is covering over. His mouth starting to fill with dirt -

Ben -

You can't kill me.

WILLOW: But, since his mouth was full of mud, all they heard was, 'oo an ill ee'.

-His face is completely covered. His mouth still moving.

Ben - (cont'd)

I'll always be with you.

WILLOW: (as Ben) 'I awl ays ee it oo'.

-The dirt covers him. It continues to fill, until just the

GLEAMING METAL HOOK waves futilely out of the dirt. Then, is stops wiggling.

WILLOW: (giggles)

-Julie goes to Ray.

XANDER: It's over? It's finally over? Oh, thank God!

-CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

Ray and Julie limp across the grounds of the hotel. They are moving past some shrubbery when A DARK FIGURE jumps out. Julie yells. She and Ray jump back.

XANDER: Nooooooo! No more. I can't take any more of this. It's more awful than anything I've ever read, please just make it stop.

-KARLA

SPIKE: Oh, son of a bitch! Why won't she die?

-stops in the middle of her kamikaze attack, knife held out.

Karla -

Oh, god, it's you -

BUFFY: (as Karla) I thought it was this big purple dinosaur that's been following me around trying to hug me and sing to me.

-Julie -

You're okay. Thank god.

Karla -

Is he?

XANDER: (as Ray) He, meaning me? Or Ben? Will perhaps? Who the hell are you talking about?

-They nod. They go to her - jubilant group hug time. They compose themselves.

SPIKE: ...then have group sex.

-Karla - (cont'd)

You know, it's true what they say about package vacations...

BUFFY: (as Karla) ...it'll rain the whole time, everyone will die except the most annoying character, and then you end up pregnant.  
XANDER: Good to see that randomness hasn't left us completely.

-You get what you pay for. (beat) Now, how about we get off this piece of crap island.

The first rays of the morning sun appear. Ray looks adoringly at Julie as the beautific light catches her face. Ray kisses her. She kisses him back. They are silhouetted against a beautiful orange sunrise.

ALL: (make gagging noises)

-Julie - (smiling)

We don't have to tell anyone it rained the whole time. It can just be our little secret.

WILLOW: (as Karla) Ok, but can we tell them about the killing? That part has bragging potential.

-The three of them throw their arms around each other's shoulders and they start walking for the beach as...

XANDER: ...a huge wave crashes into the island, drowning them. The end.

-A COAST GUARD HELICOPTER rises into view.

MATCH CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Establish. The sun setting over a quaint street in a college town.

SUPERTITLE: FOUR MONTHS LATER

ALL: Noooo!

-Julie pedals her bicycle down the street.

BUFFY: In the movie she ha a truck.  
WILLOW: Could've warned us this was coming up.  
BUFFY: Um, I forgot?

-She has a book bag over her shoulder. It feels like one of the first days of school.

XANDER: Really. And that feels how? More importantly, how was that translated to film?

-She rides the bike up to a small house on the perfect street. She rolls the bike right up to the front door.

WILLOW: Right up to the front door? (gasps) How dare she? (as butler) Perky Pests in the back! Use the service entrance.

-CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE - DAY

Julie lets herself into the house. She leans her bike against another bike in the hallway.

XANDER: Oh, those slutty bikes. Get a shed!

-It's a perfect day.

SPIKE: Ok, we get it. Everything is perfect. Move past it.

-Birds CHIRPING. WIND in the willows. There's another NOISE...from inside her house.

BUFFY: Was there a first noise to lead to this other noise?  
WILLOW: Not that I saw, heard, or know of.

-She goes perfectly still. And listens. Behind her, by the kitchen, the shadow of a FIGURE moves. She whirls.

NOTHING

She creeps down the hallway toward her kitchen. She pauses -

The dark figure almost knocks into her. She SCREAMS.

ALL: AHHH! Get us out of here!

-It's Ray. He's holding a disemboweled toaster.

XANDER: (as Julie) Oh, Ray, are you practicing killing people with the appliances again? You're so silly.

-Julie -

Ray...what are you doing?

Ray - (toaster)

Oh...it's not working right. You're home early. (sees she's shaken) Did I scare you?

Julie -

Never do that again.

WILLOW: She's not very nice. Like he's supposed to know she's there? I mean, after all that non-noise she made, he should've known right?  
OTHERS: Right.

-Ray - (tender)

Hey - I didn't know you were here. It's okay. (beat) We got the refrigerator in. Come see.

She sees the love in his eyes.

XANDER: ...for the appliances. (as Julie) Aww, you're so doofy.

-She hugs him.

Julie -

I love it here.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...in the insane asylum. I like how they let us imagine we're out in the real world still. I imagined riding a bike. It was fun!

-Ray -

It's gonna be great.

SPIKE: (as Ray) ...when I imagine killing you for real.

-DISSOLVE TO:

XANDER: Does it ever stop? Or is it just going to keep on going forever.

-INT. STAIRWAY - NIGHT

Julie climbs to the top of the stairs.

SPIKE: ...slips, falls down, and dies.

-She passes Ray in the bathroom. She pauses in the doorway -

XANDER: Ew! That is something we most definitely don't wanna see, do _not_ go there.

-INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ray is at the sink in boxer shorts. He's using an electric Waterpic devicice that has just been opened, a gift from the party.

BUFFY: Party? What party? Who had a party? I'm confused.  
WILLOW: No party in the movie?  
BUFFY: No party in the movie.

-It makes a low WHIRRING sound.

Ray - (seeing her)

Checking the locks again?

Julie -

You know me to well.

WILLOW: (as Julie) ...up and cry at the littlest things. (as herself) Now, the proper spelling would be...?  
OTHERS: T-O-O.  
WILLOW: (chuckles) Thank you, class.

-Julie smile and walks to the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Julie climbs into bed with a book. The bedroom is clean and orderly. The windows are closed. The closet door is shut.

The room is decorated simply: a high antique bed; unopened boxes; a highboy; an antique mirror leaning against the wall. A stuffed bear sits in a chair.

ALL: Who cares?

-There is a CLATTER from another room. Julie freezes. She waits. She hears it again. She climbs out of bed.

WILLOW: She dies. The end.

-CUT TO:

INT. SECOND BEDROOM - NIGHT

WILLOW: Argh.

-Julie walks into the dark spare bedroom. The CLATTERING SOUND comes from the open window. The wind is blowing the blinds.

Julie relaxes. She shuts the window. As she leaves the room, we notice the dirty imprint of a boot below the window.

SPIKE: Yes. Death to Julie. Die, Julie! Die.

-INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Julie passes Ray who is still absorbed with the new toy.

XANDER: What a geek.

-Behind him, the door softly closes. The lock twists. Ray is oblivious, happy being the dental-hygene pacesetter of the household.

BUFFY: Uh, ok.

-INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julie enters the room. She looks at the closet door. It is open a

crack. She hesitates, trying to remember if it was open before - it wasn't.

Julie approaches the closet. She catches her refelction in the mirror next to the closet. She peers into the crack of the closet. She can't see anything. She throws open the closet door.

NOTHING

She looks around the room.

Julie -

What is my problem?

SPIKE: Got a few hours?

-She sits down on the bed.

We see her bare feet from under the bed. She smiles, relaxes. She looks in the mirror leaning against the wall. Something has caught her eye. She freezes.

BUFFY: (as director) Fine. That's it. Go at it, Mr Freeze... freeze Julie, freeze Ray, freeze-  
WILLOW: (chuckles) Freeze Ray?  
BUFFY: (to Willow) Quiet, you.

-She turns slowly back to the reflection in the mirror. She sees the glint of steel -

A HOOK - CRASH ZOOM INTO REFLECTION -

THE FISHERMAN CROUCHING UNDER HER BED. Julie turns too late -

The fisherman lunges out and grabs her legs. Julie screams. She goes down - her nails scrape into the wooden floor as she is dragged under the bed.

ALL: Yes!

-CUT TO BLACK:

THE END

ALL: ...  
XANDER: Really? This isn't a joke? We're... free from this horrible script?  
SPIKE: Looks like. (jumps up)  
ALL: Yay!

* * *

They all got to their feet, and went over to sit on the couch, as if needing to get as far away from the script as possible.

Xander shook himself wildly. "We have got to get out of here, and fast, because I can't take another one of those." He flopped down on the couch, rubbing his temples.

"I know," Buffy agreed, glaring at the offending script, "but how? We've tried spells. Willow tried to find a weakness in the barrier... what else can we do?"

Willow raised her head suddenly, a thought occurring to her. "Has anyone actually tried asking whoever has us here, what they want? Or anything for that matter?"

Spike took a drag off his newly lit cigarette, and leaned back against the wall across from the couch. He shook his head, not much caring anymore it looked like. Xander shrugged, and Buffy sighed. This was what they were reduced to.

"I feel like we're being tested for something, but why?" she muttered to herself. And she seemed to be the only one who actively wanted out of this place... and even her desire to do so was waning. They all spoke of leaving, and being free, but they never did anything drastic to try to get out. Maybe their host was dampening their need to be free. Shrugging, she left the room, heading to her own.

Spike watched Willow go, wondering why she was so worried about their situation. It wasn't a big deal. She should lighten up... and he'd tell her that himself. Later.

Buffy sighed again, wanting to go to her friend, to talk to her, but she just didn't feel like it. In fact, she didn't feel like doing much of anything suddenly. She'd do it later.

Xander yawned, and fell asleep, thinking he should go chat with Willow, maybe try to cheer her up. Later.

The End


End file.
